Berkeley Fables Par Excellence

The Man And The Lion At Strada

A man and a lion had been friends for a long time. One day, while they were relaxing at Cafe Strada, the man confessed he was envious of his friend. “Lion,” he said, “I wish that I had strength and claws such as yours.” The lion asked him why he felt this way, and the man replied, “Because I would feel safe and fearless every day, no matter where I go.”

But the lion threw his paws to the sky and said, “Such irony! How I wish I had hands such as yours rather than these large, clumsy paws.” “But why would you want that?” asked the man. “So I could masturbate.”

_Moral: It is the duty of all men to give handjobs to lions. _

The Boy Who Cried “Ding”

Once there lived an ASUC senator who liked to lead his flock of sheep far away from the safety of the other ASUC senators. This boy liked to play a very clever prank on his fellow senators: he would pretend as though he and his sheep were being mauled by Executive Vice President Alex Ding. “Ding! Ding!” he would cry out to get help.

So all the other ASUC senators leapt to their feet and ran to the microwave. But their popcorn was not done.

Moral: Popcorn takes a full three minutes before it is finished cooking.

The Fox and the Crows

A fox was walking near the Greek Theatre when he spied Adam Duritz and his bandmates lunching on some cheese. “That cheese looks delicious,” thought the hungry fox. “Perhaps I can find some way to trick the Counting Crows into leaving me some of that marvelous cheese.”

“Oh, Mr. Duritz,” the fox called. “Your voice is so beautiful, and your lyrics so profound. Perhaps you can sing one of your lovely songs for me.”

Adam Duritz paused, mouth full of brie, and mumbled, “OK.”

“Oh joy!” said the fox. The band then dropped their brie, picked up their instruments, and launched into a rambling, disjointed version of “Round Here.” Though initially delighted at the bounty of cheese available to him, the fox soon became nauseated by Duritz’s wailing vocals, and slunk away, leaving the brie uneaten. Counting Crows closed with a 12-minute version of “Mr. Jones,” featuring an accordion and two tambourines.

Moral: When everybody loves you, that’s just about as funky as you can be.

The Bear on Sproul

Bear was once walking through Sproul on a day the Golden Overtones happened to be performing. As it had nowhere in particular to go, it stopped to listen. “What a sweet siren song they play,” said Bear. “Oh, sweet maiden,” he said under his breath, gesticulating towards the fairest of all the Overtones, “how I long to make tender love to you, to caress your sweet, supple skin and with my every breath sing your praises to the earth and sky.”

The student next to it leaned over and said, “Well why don’t you?”

So it raped her.

Moral: Bears are really goddamned dangerous.

The Fable Writer and the Overtones

One brisk November morning, the fable-smith found himself drugged and bound, dangling upside down from Sather Gate. “What in God’s name is going on here?” he asked himself. Peering down through blurred eyes, he saw the Golden Overtones gathered below and most visibly angered. “Oh,” said he. “That is why.” The fable-smith pleaded his case:

“But ladies,” he began, “don’t you see? The bear, clearly, represents all of Cal. And the bear is smitten with the Overtones as surely as all of Cal is. You’re taking the rape the wrong way, you see? It’s not about cheap laughs through shock value. It’s about caring. Rape is nothing but a manifestation of love and appreciation, and … oh dear, I’ve just gotten myself in more trouble, haven’t I?”

Yes, fable-smith, you certainly have.