Athens vs. Sparta
When: 491 B.C. to 412 B.C. However, doubts have recently been cast upon these dates by an excavation in Northern Greece and the fact that I’m just making shit up.
Where: See title of fight, tough guy.… Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Killing The Neighbor’s Dog In Five Easy Drafts
For the second time in a week, my lawn has dog poop on it. I will remedy this, the only way I know how.
One
I have heard that chocolate is like poison to dogs. I do have a lot … Read More
Disney Babes
While Disney tries to hide phallic symbols in the back of its cutesy animated features, no one needs to slow down the tape to realize that the Disney princesses are really fucking hot. Think about it: what turns us guys … Read More
Words from the Top
Thongs: Wrong!
Ladies: it’s enough with the thongs already. Time was, thongs were a magical fantasy garment that existed only in the realm of the imagination–the underwear so buttock-revealing that it could scarcely be considered clothing at all. Just a few years … Read More
An Anti-Pot Message from A Responsible Berkeley Alum
I used to be one of you, a college student who liked to smoke pot or was considering trying it. I have some important advice. Don’t smoke pot. I don’t want to sound preachy, old and out of touch, but … Read More
How Do I Get Rid of This Gun?
They say you just can’t get rid of a gun anymore. Used to be, disposing of a gun was easy. But nowadays, it’s all difficult and stuff. To test this theory, I have purchased a gun.
Trial 1: I throw … Read More
Scenes From Quentin Tarantino’s 1994 Hit Pulp Fiction
If It Were Rewritten As An Educational Film About Dinosaurs
Vincent: You know what the funniest thing about Europe is?
Jules: What?
Vincent: It’s the little differences. A lotta the same dinosaur shit we got here, they got there, but there they’re a little different.
Jules: Examples?
Vincent: Well, you … Read More
Escape Plans
Sometimes, I think of ways to escape my horrible dead-end life. First, I’d fashion a shiv from a piece of a shattered dream. Then, I’d use it to stab an inner demon and make a break for it. I’d have … Read More
Revenge is Sweet
Kill ’em with Kindness
My mother always told me, “If someone crosses you, don’t for a second let that fucker think he can get away with it.”
Snide Remarks from Passers-by
Him: “Oh, I didn’t realize today was Dress Like a Blind Hooker in … Read More
Best of Berkeley
Best > place to get beaten up
For getting a trampling, the best place to go is the corner of Ashby and Sacramento. Busy enough for easy access yet remote enough for privacy, this bustling neighborhood is home to a … Read More
