Revenge is Sweet

Kill ’em with Kindness

My mother always told me, “If someone crosses you, don’t for a second let that fucker think he can get away with it.”

Snide Remarks from Passers-by

Him: “Oh, I didn’t realize today was Dress Like a Blind Hooker in a Brothel Day. Slizzut.”
You: “I love you.” Result: Remark-man is left momentarily disoriented. Your comment stuns him, and for the rest of the day he is unable to concentrate on studying for his Econ midterm. He gets a D on the midterm and never gets into business school. His torment is assuaged by the thought that you, random girl, love him. But he’s wrong. Dead wrong.

Stabbed in the Back by Your Best Friend

Her: Oh I’m sorry, is this your boyfriend? Whose hand is that in his pants? Oh, it’s mine.
You: Would you like to go to Florida with me for spring break?
Result: Unbeknownst to your best “friend,” (yet somehow beknownst to you) she has a lethal peanut allergy, and peanuts are served on the plane. The simultaneous opening of all those delicious peanut bags sends her glands a-swelling. Luckily there is medical help readily available, but it sure is scary. She may not die now, but she will die eventually.

Your Roommate Eats All the Cookies Your Mom Sent You

Her: So you mean THESE were the cookies that your mom spent hours baking from scratch just the way you like them. I’m sure there’s a couple of crumbs left.
You: [Smile like it ain’t no thang.]
Result: While said roommate may feel as though your blase attitude reflects further permission to eat your loved ones’ baked goods, what she doesn’t know is that just yesterday her parents sold her dog and used the money to take a booze cruise on a riverboat casino where they will further squander the money they’d set aside for college. Those cookies might taste good now, but let me tell you those student loans are just going to get bigger and bigger! And then she dies.

War With Iraq

Saddam Hussein: Kill them all!
Us: Why you gotta be hatin’? We here in America would like to show you a little of where we come from. Please accept our gifts of digital cable, a fo-ty of O.E. and some delicious Philly cheesesteaks.
Saddam Hussein: No, no. I don’t believe you understand. You see, your imperialist attitude and morally bankrupt cultural exports are a large reason for our hate towards you.
Us: Actually, I don’t believe you understand the slyly self-aware, pan-ethnic appeal of hunky action superstar Vin Diesel, and the subtle, refreshing flavor of new Vanilla Coke.
Saddam Hussein: Well, I did enjoy the raw thrills, old-school stunt work, and quaint B-movie feel of The Fast and the Furious…
Result: Lethargy towards world politics and chronic national obesity slowly set in. The royal palaces become vulnerable to surprise weapons inspections every week during Monday Night Football, and the newly heavyset populace become winded thirty seconds into any attempted escape from ballistic missile strikes. Ordinarily this would be a perfect opportunity to invade, but we’ll let them die like Americans: With complacent hearts fattened to the bursting point by the greasy, yet tasty fruits (fries) of capitalist democracy. U.S.A.!