Whomever it May Concern:
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “I, George Washington Carver, didn’t commit suicide.” Well I did. Life is full of surprises.
I decided to end my life because I foresaw being known as “the Peanut Guy,” … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Words From The Top
Spring Fever
There’s a lot about this campus that’s unique. It’s a public institution with a private school pedigree. It’s a collection of bright young Californians surrounded by hepatitis-riddled street people and arrogant, ugly, frigid, self-hating, pretentious, quasi-hippie…
…pseudo-intellectual, bad-driving, sarong-wearing, think-they’re-worldly-and-spiritual-but-actually-just-obnoxious-and-superficial, … Read More
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_Coming from a comfortable home in Orange County, I caught a lot of flak from my family and friends when I decided to attend Berkeley. They were concerned about the “urban environment,” the sub-par buildings, and the other common reservations. … Read More
King of Berkeley
Reasons I should be your Ruler:
Divine Right
GOD: Kevin, you rule.
KEVIN: I rule? Wow, I rule the town! I am the King! Thanks, God.
GOD: No, no. That wasn’t in the imperative form. I used it in an … Read More
God, Middle School Teacher
Coach God
Teammates: Job, Coach God has kept you on the bench all year! You’re never going to get to play!
Job: Hey, I have faith in Coach God. He’ll play me if I keep faith.
GOD: JOB.
Job: [Excited] … Read More
Words from the Top
The Tomato
There are few living things in this world more controversial, and I say this without hyperbole, than the tomato (Lycopersicon lycopersicum and Lycopersicon esculentum).
It is interesting to note that the tomato’s closest relatives in the plant kingdom … Read More
Forbes Presents: 2003’s Most Ill-conceived Business Ventures
Welsh Speak-n-Spell Finally, Fisher Price has made a toy that can be enjoyed by dirty Welshmen. This new Speak-n-Spell is a great way for Welsh kids and their no doubt illiterate parents to learn the most insane language ever that’s … Read More
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Recently uncovered and collected by the National Archives are personal journals kept by everyday citizens in the days following September 11, 2001. It is an attempt to preserve for all time these raw, incisive, and emotional accounts of what people … Read More
Take off that fucking trucker hat
Dear posers,
Take off that fucking trucker hat.
I hate all of you wannabe skater punks who think it’s cool to get paid $16K a year to drive across country with only your CB radio and a half gallon of … Read More
A Berkeley Homecoming
What if all of Berkeley’s heroes came to visit their adoring campus? Well, they’d probably like Top Dog, for starters.
Prologue
STEVE: Hey, you know what’d be awesome? If we got all of our heroes to come to Berkeley.
JOSH:… Read More
