Forbes Presents: 2003’s Most Ill-conceived Business Ventures

Welsh Speak-n-Spell Finally, Fisher Price has made a toy that can be enjoyed by dirty Welshmen. This new Speak-n-Spell is a great way for Welsh kids and their no doubt illiterate parents to learn the most insane language ever that’s not spoken by an alien race on Star Trek. Just listen: -“K” is for “Kyw.” The Kyw goes myyw. -“D” is for “Dywge.” Dywges are for eating. -“P” is for “Pywr.” Your parents are pywr because they are filthy Welshmen. Glenn S. Buttplug’s chain of Christian bookstores Glenn Buttplug, pious son of a Baptist preacher from the Deep South, chose to praise the Lord this year by opening a sixteen-store chain of Christian bookstores. The only problem is, nobody seems to know what to make of a store called “Buttplug’s.” “Oh, I’ll stay out of that one altogether. No sir,” replied Doris, an elderly parishioner in Omaha, Nebraska. When asked about the bookstore, her husband Gerry responded similarly. “It goes where now? No, that sounds like a whole lot of no good.” Glenn remains confused by the attitude Christians seem to hold toward his establishments. “They would love our store! We’ve got discount bibles, and songbooks about God, and oh! Look! I’ve got these great new prayer beads!” Guinness Book of Non-World Record Improbabilities How do you further capitalize on the definitive collection of world records? For Guinness, the answer is simple: assemble a follow-up collection of not quite world records. You’ll witness such amazing acts of coincidence that you just might exclaim, “That’s not very likely!” -Read about the man who flipped a quarter and it came up tails… EIGHT TIMES IN A ROW! -See the medicine man from West Africa whose fingernails were so long, his friends TOLD HIM HE SHOULD CUT THEM! -Check out this time that Eric totally killed that beer bong! That was awesome.

Senor Taco’s to expand into American Southwest Senor Taco’s, a chain of 12 Mexican restaurants based out of Minnesota, recently announced their plan to expand into the Phoenix and Flagstaff area. “We think the Phoenix area is bound to love our authentic Mexican flavor,” said expansion manager Steve Lindholm. “From our Mexi-fries to our brand-new extra-spicy Taco Burrito with extra pepper, there’s something for everyone at Senor Tacos.” Other Senor Tacos menu items include their sausage burritos, served with either nachos or Doritos. “We just know that Phoenix will go ‘loco’ for our restaurants,” said Lindholm. Women’s Sports League formed Women’s sports fans cheered recently as four major Women’s sports split off from their male counterparts to form a separate sports league. The sports are National Women’s Soccer, the WNBA, LPGA, and Women’s Bowling Association. New Commissioner Kendrick Liu announced the changes as “a way for women to band together. When the WNBA is struggling, the LPGA can help out. And vice versa. We women work together.” The new League negotiated low prices from the prior owners, sometimes as low as several dollars. “Darn, we’re sure going to miss funding — I mean running — the WNBA,” said Commissioner Daniel Stern. For Liu, the next stop is to get down to the books. “It might be rough for a few years, but so long as at least one of these leagues is profitable, I know we’ll be okay.” When approached by the Women’s Sports League about joining, the Women’s Tennis Association and Pro Beach Volleyball League declined the offer and went off to get tans and try on even shorter skirts.