Coach God
Teammates: Job, Coach God has kept you on the bench all year! You’re never going to get to play!
Job: Hey, I have faith in Coach God. He’ll play me if I keep faith.
GOD: JOB.
Job: [Excited] Yes, Coach God?
GOD: JOB I KILLED YOUR DOG. [Awkward silence]
GOD: JESUS, YOU’RE IN.
Teammates: Wish I was the Coach’s kid.
Sex Ed Teacher
GOD: SO THEN SHE KNEW JUDAH, IN A WAY THAT ALL WOMEN KNEW MEN.
Sophie: Mr. God, when you say “knew,” are you saying that they had sex?
GOD: I’M BEING PURPOSEFULLY VAGUE.
Chaperoning the School Dance
GOD: HEY, BREAK IT UP, YOU TWO. WE WON’T BE HAVING ACTIVITY LIKE THAT HERE.
Brian: [Confused] But… why God? We were just doing a swing dance.
Sophie: We were barely even touching.
GOD: SOPHIE IS HAVING HER PERIOD. [Awkward silence]
GOD: SHE IS UNCLEAN AND IS NOT TO BE TOUCHED.
Sophie: But I…
GOD: YOU’RE BLEEDING.
Home Economics
GOD: VERY NICE, SUZIE. THOSE MUFFINS ARE LOOKING GOOD, ERICA. OH, SOPHIE, YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!
Sophie: What? I thought…
GOD: THAT FISH ONLY HAD FINS, NOT SCALES. SCALES, SOPHIE.
SOPHIE: But…
GOD: LOOK SOPHIE, THIS IS NOT HARD. AND ANOTHER THING, CHEWS ITS CUD, DON’T TOUCH ITS’ BLOOD. VERY EASY TO REMEMBER.
Sophie: Mr. God, let me–
GOD: YOU’RE HAVING YOUR PERIOD.
_Union Negotiator _
Principal: Look, I’m sorry, God, but the District just doesn’t have the money for a ten percent raise. We’re in a crunch.
GOD: PRINCIPAL WORTHS, LET MY PEOPLE GO TO TAHOE.
Principal: The retreat will just have to be local this year. And why have all the teachers put goat’s blood on their doors?
GOD: NO REASON. INCIDENTALLY, HOW’S YOUR FIRST BORN SON STEVEN?
Principal: My first born son? He’s fine, I guess. Why?
GOD: RING RING. [Phone rings]
GOD: BE SEEING YOU SOON, WORTHS. REAL SOON.
