Guy Falls Off Tom Sawyer Raft and Dies
Chances are, if you fall off a slow-moving simulated raft ride into a shallow mock river and die, you just weren’t meant to be here in the first place. The “river” that … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Words from the Top
Godspeed
In this, my final Words from the Top as your beloved Editor-in-Chief, I’d like to now take this opportunity to run down a list of as many terms for female genitalia as possible:
Pussy. Vagina. Labia. Murderer’s Row. Twat. Pudendum. … Read More
The 1944 Olympics
DANFORTH: Welcome to the 1944 Olympics! We’re coming to you live from the Olympics that no one thought would ever happen. While most of the World’s more impressive atheletes are currently vaulting over landmines, kayaking past enemy positions, and Greco-Roman … Read More
Hobbit Losers
Name: Hobo
Problem: Homelessness
GANDALF: Hurry Hobo, the Ringwraiths are coming! You must leave the Shire at once! Take the ring and go to the town of Bree. I will meet you there.
HOBO: Ring? Man, I done traded it … Read More
The Ultimate Guide To Cal
All the Rules You’ll Ever Need Here
2004 is here, and my graduation is near. As I look back at my four fantastical years here at Cal, I think about all the important li’l bits of knowledge I’ve picked up that served me so well in my … Read More
Adventures in Laundry
Quarters, Detergent, and Crazies–The True Story
On a lonely and mildly pathetic Saturday in Berkeley, I decided to embark on a mini-adventure to the local laundromat. The following is a true recounting of my experience that night, a tale that I offer with a warning label: … Read More
The Several Lost Diaries of Kaiser Wilhelm II
King of Prussia and Emperor of the Federated German States
January 19, 1871
Grandpa Wilhelm was crowned Emperor yesterday. I’ve spent the last fourteen hours crossing “Prussia” off his royal letterhead and replacing it with “Germany.” He told me it builds character. Unified German character.
November 18, 1890
After firing … Read More
Road to Heterosexuality
Many “credited” scientists have “tried” to tell people that sexuality is created through a mix of genetics and conditioning. But scientists are stupid. If there were no scientists I wouldn’t’ve had to put up with my idiot big brother, because … Read More
Tech Support Through History
Caveman Times
[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support. What can I do for you?
Caveman: I’ve got some problems with the sticks.
T.S.: Like what? Did you remember to break the stick off the tree first? Are you holding a branch?… Read More
An Open Letter to My Fellow Americans
From: President Gore
Four years ago I defeated Republican candidate Bush in a hard-fought contest of my imagination. A battle that sharply divided America was decided only when thousands of uncounted “me” votes magically appeared in a warehouse in Pahokee, Florida. Since then … Read More
