After watching the fallout of the 2004 election, the _Squelch editorial staff realized that the opinions of the California voters just don’t matter. So, in the spirit of meaningless political dribble, here are the Squelch‘s endorsements for state referenda … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
From the Desk of Michael Spaden III
Dear Heirs and Heiresses,
Thank you for coming to the reading of my will. My lawyer, Bill Edmonds, will be conducting the reading, and is legally obliged to read every word. Since I never liked Bill: shitsucker! I, Bill Edmonds, … Read More
A Day in the Life of Ma-ti
Planeteer with the Power of Heart
Power Assignment Meeting
Captain Planet: So we’ve got the four main elements covered and assigned to the proper ethnic stereotype, but what is it that Indians do again?
Gaia: Dot Indian or Feather Indian?
Captain Planet: Umm, dot, I guess.… Read More
I Get Arrested. A Lot.
Of all the things to get, arrested certainly isn’t at the top of most people’s lists. For me, I’ve been told it’s not so much a personal shortcoming as it is an error of method. But no matter what angle … Read More
Pen Pals
221B Factory Way
Shoe Factory District 4
Shoe Distribution Province 8
Malaysia 91423
9/15/2004
Dear 13-year-old Malaysian girl who made my sneakers,
I’ve never considered myself a romantic, but I’ve always believed that true love can find us anywhere. You … Read More
The Continuing Adventures of Bi-curious Frankenstein
WOLFMAN: OK. I never…accidentally drowned a little girl while picking flowers.
FRANKENSTEIN: Arrgh! Frankenstein have to drink AGAIN!
THE MUMMY: OK, my turn. I never…made out with someone of the same sex. [Drinks]
FRANKENSTEIN: Frankenstein not know GAA does cuddling … Read More
Intelligent Life?
A Report from SETI Institute
Since the dawn of time in 1943, we at the SETI Institute have scoured the depths of the universe in hopes of finding life outside our solar system. So far we have been unsuccessful, prompting many critics to call our … Read More
Scenes from a World Where Everyone Has Extra Lives
In Iraq
SOLDIER: Dave! Dave! Stay with us! Evac is coming in GAA Dave! Shit!
[Corpse disappears]
[Five seconds later]
DAVE: Alright, I’m back. What’s going on?
SOLDIER: Oh, hey Dave. Saddam is starting to flash red, and his face … Read More
Magical Realism from the Point of View of an Oppressive Misogynist Culture
IN THE HARD LAND OF MONTERREY there lived a pretty young girl named Ana de la Cocina. In her family’s hut by the edge of the pueblo, Ana slaved day in and day out to provide food for the men … Read More
The University of California at Berkeley and Vista Community College: A Study in Dichotomy
Last year, I went to Cal. This year, I am going to Vista. You can guess why. These are some of the differences I have noticed. Most of the following accounts are based on true stories.
Questions in Class
Cal… Read More
