I’m at my little brother’s bar mitzvah, and looking around at the life-size ice-sculpture recreations of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, I begin to get the sneaking suspicion that our mom likes him better than me. Okay sure, I … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
A New, Old-school Workplace
In my job search, I’ve found there to be certain unnecessary equalities arbitrarily built into our legal system. The Civil Rights Act, Americans with Disabilities Act, and U.S. Constitution are way too progressive for my liking. I mean, how can … Read More
The Future According to the ’70s
1979: Overpopulation leads to water shortage and rampant cannibalism. Also, pastel pants fashionable.
1980: All vehicles now legally required to have doors that open vertically.
1982: New lethal strain of Saturday Night Fever discovered.
1983: First moon colony in which … Read More
Pirate Battle
Pirates ended the careers of many a brave seaman, even those who survived the tumultuous waters south of Cape Horn, the monsters of the great Atlantic, and the pleasant oases of the Pacific. Pirates were feared for their unforgiving tactics, … Read More
AssistedSuicideGirls.com
Assisted Suicide Girl: Wheels
Looking For: Someone who can really take my breath away
Location: Bakersfield, CA
Sign: Cancer
Occupation: Model/actress/invalid (triple threat!)
Why I Did ASG: Voice-to-text program makes blogging a snap. Also, cystic fibrosis creates thick sticky mucus … Read More
We Are Very Angry
Dear person whose first name is an initial,
Who the fuck are you kidding? No one here believes that when you were born your parents decided to give you an initial for a first name. What, they named you after … Read More
Paid Advertisement
I knew something had to be done the morning1 the button popped off my jeans2. Shocked and appalled, I realized that I could no longer ignore the cold, hard truth reflected3 in the mirror on the wall4. I was fat5.… Read More
After-drinking Games
Many people give up and call it a night when the party ends, but what if your pussy doesn’t hurt? What if you need at least another strong belt of scotch to calm the DTs? Well, the fun doesn’t end … Read More
My Virtual Girl
As I gaze into my Microsoft SPOT watch and listen to my iPod Mini, I now realize that the digitized and specular-lit bump-mapped wheels of technology have spun their blue-LED-laser-guided gears to a new epoch. My virtual girlfriend is now … Read More
Island Etiquette
Dear Kyle,
It has been seven days since I decided to eat you. It has also been seven days since you shot me in the leg and ran away from the plane with our only canteen.
It’s important to me … Read More
