STUDENTS ISSUED OBEDIENT HELPER MONKEYS
by Spencer Gilbert
In a thinly veiled attempt to divert funds from Berkeley’s unwanted stepchild, the Gender Studies Department, every currently enrolled student has been issued a live “helper monkey” to assist with day-to-day tasks. … Read More
Thanks to an extreme statistical improbability and several lucrative cross-licensing agreements,
twelve superheroes were called to serve as jurors in the murder case of State of New York vs. Lorenthal Smith.
Jury Selection
Judge: Okay, you’re now officially on the… Read More
In the 24th century, a new chapter in the history
of civil rights was written. And it was written in binary.
1963 to 2304: And as it is written in the robot Bible, “…and ROBBIE begat AIBO, and AIBO
begat … Read More
I’m at my little brother’s bar mitzvah, and looking around at the life-size ice-sculpture recreations of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, I begin to get the sneaking suspicion that our mom likes him better than me. Okay sure, I … Read More
In my job search, I’ve found there to be certain unnecessary equalities arbitrarily built into our legal system. The Civil Rights Act, Americans with Disabilities Act, and U.S. Constitution are way too progressive for my liking. I mean, how can … Read More
Energy
Imagine you’re making popcorn. Each kernel is like a molecule. The microwave or the stovetop or the burning trashcan you use to pop the corn is adding energy to the molecules, which makes them dance and play and bounce … Read More
Sometimes I forget why I love America. Sometimes I forget all that fancy freedom talk and democracy speak and just need to get to the roots of why I’m so darn proud of living here.
In my musings, I’ve found … Read More
In honor of Super Bowl XXXIX, we recap some of the great moments in Super Bowl history as best we can remember.
1966–The Just-OK Bowl is deemed uninspired and boring when the Scranton Haymakers beat the A-1 Hardware Wildcats in … Read More
Dear person whose first name is an initial,
Who the fuck are you kidding? No one here believes that when you were born your parents decided to give you an initial for a first name. What, they named you after … Read More
I knew something had to be done the morning1 the button popped off my jeans2. Shocked and appalled, I realized that I could no longer ignore the cold, hard truth reflected3 in the mirror on the wall4. I was fat5.… Read More
