You: Honey, I’m home–what are you doing with that letter?
Her: [reading from letter] THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
You: What the fuck? I put all this time into it and all I get is a lousy note?
Her: PRODUCER – … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Getting Away With It
How to Make Excuses Like the Pros!
I AM an expert excuse maker. I can squirm out of things better than the seed of a seventeen year old with a bright future and a punctured condom. Here are some tricks of the trade.
Avoid Cliches
Your excuses … Read More
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit Christmas
Detectives Stabler and Benson walked
into the cold morgue, glad they were
still wearing their trench coats from the
morning’s crime scene. The Medical Examiner pulled back the sheet covering
the victim’s body. The little boy’s cheerful red santa hat … Read More
How Drunk Were You?
To quote every freshman in the history of ever: “I
was SOOOO drunk!” Problem is, there is no
objectivity to this claim. There are no gold
medals and no Jeopardy champions in the game of
Drunk. So how close can … Read More
To All Incoming UC Extension Students
Welcome Almost Berkeley Students.
Congratulations
on your “legitimate” acceptance. Looks like all
that hard work finally made up for you being at
least a semester dumber than your peers! I mean
sure, you were president of your graduating class
and … Read More
What If George Lucas Wrote Shakespeare
Romeo and Juliet
Act II, Scene 2
Romeo: But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is one of the suns of Tattoine’s binary star
system. And therefore I love her.
Hamlet
Act 3, … Read More
Douglas Unger’s Roommate Questionnaire
(1) SEX
Male
Female
First one, then the other
Both (specify/draw a picture) ________
(2) OCCUPATION
Quiet, Reflective, Full-Time Student
Professional Whisperer
Tiptoeologist
Drummer with Access to Prescription Sleep Aids
(3) COOKING EXPERIENCE
Confectionary Major
Watched enough Iron Chef to … Read More
Satan Comes to Berkeley
In English R1B Class
Satan: The mortal Jay Gatsby, like all other men before him, finds solace from the trials of his world in the path of sin!
GSI: Excellent, Satan! Class, see how he juxtaposes Judeo-Christian elements with the … Read More
The Secret Diary of Margot Frank
Anne Frank is considered by many to be the Lance Armstrong of hiding
from Nazi oppressors. Her secret diary made her one of World War II’s
most beloved personalities. But while Anne wrote away, the goofier and
more optically-challenged Margot … Read More
MapQuest Version 2.0
When you’re not sure how to get somewhere, a quick visit to MapQuest.com can save you lots of time and give you clear, precise directions.
If you have a good car.
But what if you don’t drive one of those … Read More
