The Secret Diary of Margot Frank

Anne Frank is considered by many to be the Lance Armstrong of hiding
from Nazi oppressors. Her secret diary made her one of World War II’s
most beloved personalities. But while Anne wrote away, the goofier and
more optically-challenged Margot Frank also kept a secret journal.
Recently uncovered by historians, her brief but courageous chronicle
allows us to experience the horror that is being trapped in a Secret
Annex with an annoying Jew-sister that won’t stop writing in her
journal. I bring you now the resolute and triumphant voice of Margot
-Compiled By Danny Marshall

Wednesday, December 22, 1943

Family and I have been in hiding for almost one
year and six months now. Have decided that
Anne’s not going to be the only Frank keeping
a secret journal. Why can’t she just stare at the
maple tree outside our window like the rest of us?
I too have interesting things to write about. Yesterday,
stared at the maple tree out our window,
wondered if it could grow roast beef sandwiches.
So hungry, so tired of eating potatoes.
I wonder what Anne’s journal tastes like?


Wednesday, January 5, 1944

Anne writing constantly in journal. UUURGH!!! What does potato-hoarding
bitch have to write about all day? I mean, we’re just eight run-away
Jews hiding in an annex behind a bookshelf to avoid falling victim to the
horrors and mass genocide that Hitler and his German Gestapo followers
are wrongfully trying to inflict upon my people just because of our choice
of worship. How uninteresting is that? No one will ever read Anne’s journal…
except for me! I’m going to sneak into her room and read it tomorrow!
HAHAHAHAHA!!! Can’t laugh anymore, Nazis below.


PS Anne’s journal tastes like potatoes.

Thursday, January 6, 1944

Investigatory work was success. Was able to sneak into Anne’s room and
read some of her journal. Guess what I discovered? Anne’s a big Lesbo!!
Hahahaha!! She kissed one of her friends and tried grabbing her boobies.
I bet her whole journal is a bunch of lesbian adventure stories that
contain nothing about all the Jewish hardships of World War II, and I
guarantee you Anne’s journal won’t be what The New York Times calls
“an eloquent testament to the human spirit” like mine is. Also, she calls
it “Kitty.” Her journal I mean, not girlsex. How stupid is that? That’s the
kind of thing a homosexual would name his cat. Oh. Guess that makes
sense then. Sure hope Hitler gets rid of them before we get out of here.
Anyway, I think you need a name, journal. Was thinking “Cuddle Bear,”
“Huggle Bear,” “Fuck You Anne’s Journal,” or “Sunflower.” Keep you
posted! Oh, and send food.


Saturday, January 8, 1944

Dear Huggle Bear (Anne is a cunt),

Being tucked away from world in secret annex is making
me feel uncomfortable. Reminds me of the time I
found out that Anne kisses other girls. Hahaha, still can’t
get over that. Hope Papa publishes her journal after the
war is over and subsequently has it translated into over
30 different languages. In fact, I hope every eighth-grade
student is required to read it. Might be wishful thinking,
but I also hope they adapt her journal into plays, television
shows and films starring some shit actress like Millie
Perkins so everyone can see how stupid and pointless her
lesbian journal is.