MapQuest Version 2.0

When you’re not sure how to get somewhere, a quick visit to can save you lots of time and give you clear, precise directions.
If you have a good car.
But what if you don’t drive one of those brand-new, fancy-pants imports that can pass a smog test? What if your car, you know, has a door held on by a seatbelt? MapQuest is here for you too, and it’ll even tell you how to get from point A to point B and not go over any bridges with toll booths because you can’t roll your windows down and the driver’s side door doesn’t open.

Start: Long Beach
End: San Diego
Problem: Registration expired for two years.

Ideal Route: Take the 5 South and stay in the far right lane of traffic. Look for an ’89 minivan going 45
with a bumper sticker for “89.1 El Sol!” or something like that. Get in front of that minivan for the rest
of the trip. Invariably, that minivan will have expired tags that far outstrip yours. The lesser of two evils
rarely gets registration tickets.

Start: Your parents’ house
End: 76 Station a mile away
Problem: Have to get more oil, because you always have to get that shit.

Ideal Route: Take Orange Avenue all the way up to sixth. Then stall, and start smoking. Call your car a
“piece of shit, you’re such a piece of shit.” Dial a friend and tell him it happened again. Walk home.

Start: Your friend’s apartment
End: Your weed dealer’s house
Problem: You’re out of weed.

Ideal Route: Take the 5 freeway North and exit at Broadway. Stop at the Bank of America there and open a goddamned checking account. Deposit the money wadded up in the pocket of your wrinkled cargos. Now save up and buy a car that costs more than three hundred dollars next time.

Start: Your friend’s parents house
End: A house party in Pacific Beach
Problem: There are a lot of hills in Pacific Beach. Hills that stop ’84 Corollas with a bum clutch.

Ideal Route: Exit at Garnet Avenue and take the first left. When you come to the Safeway, turn into the
parking lot and get high. (Note: MapQuest does not endorse the use of illegal drugs, but rather, knows you were going to do
that anyway.) Go two blocks south and take a right at Citrus. Stop to look for the piece of paper with the
address on it. Fail to find it, call a bunch of people, then give up and go get rolled tacos at El Pastor.

Start: Your parents’ house
End: Your job
Problem: Job?

Ideal Route: Exit the 805 freeway South at H Street, then continue on the road for 3.5 miles. Take a
right into the first parking lot. Congratulations, you’re back at Southwestern college. Take eight units
and your parents will start giving you money again.