Rusty, a local homeless dog, has recently indicated his desire to split from his homeless owner. “I used to be a guide dog,” Rusty explained, “but that ended when my last owner grew new eyes.” Rusty’s current owner, Albert Wurster, … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
Attn: Harry Berman, Dean
Arthur Horn, Department Chair
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
Dear Sirs,
As much as it pains me to speak ill of a fellow professor, I simply cannot remain silent any longer about Professor Jones’ abhorrent behavior and … Read More
Brad and Angelina Give Birth to Blindingly Perfect Being
The epitome of physical creation was born in an African hospital yesterday to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The child, whom one doctor described as “a hallelujah chorus giving my soul a blowjob at the center of God,” is so … Read More
White People Jokes!
How many white people does it take to invent the lightbulb?
Just one!
What did one white guy say to the other white guy?
“I got into Yale.”
Why did the white man throw the clock out the window?
Because … Read More
What If…Everything in Life Was Like Your First Time Having Sex?
Watching a TV Show
You: [Sits down.]
TV: [Plays theme song.]
[Beat.]
TV: [Credits roll.]
Going to the Movies
You: How did you like the movie?
Girl: [Bursts into tears.]
Studying
[… Read More
<i>Other</i> New Baby Einstein Videos
Baby Einstein videos are supposed to make your infant son or daughter smarter just by watching them. This from the same company that brought you Learn Korean While You Sleep, Study for the LSATS While You Watch Rocky II, and … Read More
The Diary of Judas
Recently, National Geographic released the Gospel of Judas, a contradictory explanation of Jesus’s demise where Jesus asked Judas to betray him. The Gospel of Judas, while entertaining, is a long stretch from this totally historically accurate, Diary of Judas, which … Read More
Nerd Rehab
When did nerds get the idea that it’s okay to be nerdy? I don’t recall seeing any Nerd Pride parades on the streets of Silicon Valley. But I guess if they tried that, they’d get wedgied and slammed into a … Read More
Would You Rather Be Hung-Over or Over-Hung?
Scenario One:
Using the English Language
Hung-over: When hung-over, complex words like “uhhhhhhnng” are often hard to pronounce. You are light-headed. You feel like you might vomit. You do vomit. You try to tell one of the workers at Jack-in-the-Box … Read More
The Many Lives of That Douche
Everyone who’s taken a humanities class knows That Douche. He’s the budding Rousseau in the front row who raises his hand in lecture to spout delightfully insipid pseudo-intellectual drivel. He’s so vociferous with his impromptu philosophizing that we all recognize … Read More
