My life is pretty much da bomb. I’m not only wealthy, but I have plenty of money and am not poor. Yes, you could say I have absolutely everything a human being could ever possibly need for a lifetime of … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Cool Diseases
The difference between being a cool guy with herpes and a loser with herpes is all in the transmission. This guide will help explain the cool and uncool ways to get a disease.
Mono
Uncool way to get it: Sharing … Read More
My Christmas With Cobra
Since my parents were recently killed by wolves in a tragic boating accident, I didn’t have anywhere to go for the holidays. I didn’t want to do retail or customer service, so I entered a winter internship program for the … Read More
Excerpts from The Bible’s DVD Commentary Track
[opening credits]
Producer: Of course in retrospect it seems totally obvious, but I remember we agonized for a while about casting God.
Director: And then–it was our casting director Jerry, I think–he brought up the idea of just … Read More
Handling the Homeless
Berkeley attracts homeless people like sluts attract Chlamydia, only sluts can treat Chlamydia, while we are left to deal with the itchy discharge that is the homeless. Every homeless man, woman or dog uses some weep-story tragedy to try to … Read More
If The Actors Really Were President
Since the time when that first primeval man first climbed down from the first trees, literally hundreds of years ago, our most beloved actors have depicted the President. But what if roles were switched and the actors really were President…… Read More
Words From the Top
s
Dearest Readers,
I have some bad news for you. Are you sitting down? Good. OK. Brace yourself.
I’m graduating.
For those of you who didn’t just have a three-way heart attack, embolism, and third degree pants-crapping, you probably don’t know … Read More
Nickelodeon Solutions to Everyday Problems
PROBLEM: Your rent is due tomorrow and you don’t get paid until next week.
LIKELY RESULT: Another long night in the apartment manager’s office. At least you remember to bring your kneepads this time. Listerine may wash away the night’s … Read More
Upwardly Mobile Dog Seeks Less Homeless Owner
Rusty, a local homeless dog, has recently indicated his desire to split from his homeless owner. “I used to be a guide dog,” Rusty explained, “but that ended when my last owner grew new eyes.” Rusty’s current owner, Albert Wurster, … Read More
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
Attn: Harry Berman, Dean
Arthur Horn, Department Chair
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
Dear Sirs,
As much as it pains me to speak ill of a fellow professor, I simply cannot remain silent any longer about Professor Jones’ abhorrent behavior and … Read More
