Dearest Readers,
I have some bad news for you. Are you sitting down? Good. OK. Brace yourself.
I’m graduating.
For those of you who didn’t just have a three-way heart attack, embolism, and third degree pants-crapping, you probably don’t know … Read More
PROBLEM: Your rent is due tomorrow and you don’t get paid until next week.
LIKELY RESULT: Another long night in the apartment manager’s office. At least you remember to bring your kneepads this time. Listerine may wash away the night’s … Read More
Rusty, a local homeless dog, has recently indicated his desire to split from his homeless owner. “I used to be a guide dog,” Rusty explained, “but that ended when my last owner grew new eyes.” Rusty’s current owner, Albert Wurster, … Read More
Attn: Harry Berman, Dean
Arthur Horn, Department Chair
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
Dear Sirs,
As much as it pains me to speak ill of a fellow professor, I simply cannot remain silent any longer about Professor Jones’ abhorrent behavior and … Read More
The epitome of physical creation was born in an African hospital yesterday to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The child, whom one doctor described as “a hallelujah chorus giving my soul a blowjob at the center of God,” is so … Read More
How many white people does it take to invent the lightbulb?
Just one!
What did one white guy say to the other white guy?
“I got into Yale.”
Why did the white man throw the clock out the window?
Because … Read More
You: [Sits down.]
TV: [Plays theme song.]
[Beat.]
TV: [Credits roll.]
You: How did you like the movie?
Girl: [Bursts into tears.]
[… Read More
Baby Einstein videos are supposed to make your infant son or daughter smarter just by watching them. This from the same company that brought you Learn Korean While You Sleep, Study for the LSATS While You Watch Rocky II, and … Read More
Recently, National Geographic released the Gospel of Judas, a contradictory explanation of Jesus’s demise where Jesus asked Judas to betray him. The Gospel of Judas, while entertaining, is a long stretch from this totally historically accurate, Diary of Judas, which … Read More
When did nerds get the idea that it’s okay to be nerdy? I don’t recall seeing any Nerd Pride parades on the streets of Silicon Valley. But I guess if they tried that, they’d get wedgied and slammed into a … Read More
