Berkeley attracts homeless people like sluts attract Chlamydia, only sluts can treat Chlamydia, while we are left to deal with the itchy discharge that is the homeless. Every homeless man, woman or dog uses some weep-story tragedy to try to … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
If The Actors Really Were President
Since the time when that first primeval man first climbed down from the first trees, literally hundreds of years ago, our most beloved actors have depicted the President. But what if roles were switched and the actors really were President…… Read More
Words From the Top
s
Dearest Readers,
I have some bad news for you. Are you sitting down? Good. OK. Brace yourself.
I’m graduating.
For those of you who didn’t just have a three-way heart attack, embolism, and third degree pants-crapping, you probably don’t know … Read More
Nickelodeon Solutions to Everyday Problems
PROBLEM: Your rent is due tomorrow and you don’t get paid until next week.
LIKELY RESULT: Another long night in the apartment manager’s office. At least you remember to bring your kneepads this time. Listerine may wash away the night’s … Read More
Upwardly Mobile Dog Seeks Less Homeless Owner
Rusty, a local homeless dog, has recently indicated his desire to split from his homeless owner. “I used to be a guide dog,” Rusty explained, “but that ended when my last owner grew new eyes.” Rusty’s current owner, Albert Wurster, … Read More
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
Attn: Harry Berman, Dean
Arthur Horn, Department Chair
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
Dear Sirs,
As much as it pains me to speak ill of a fellow professor, I simply cannot remain silent any longer about Professor Jones’ abhorrent behavior and … Read More
Brad and Angelina Give Birth to Blindingly Perfect Being
The epitome of physical creation was born in an African hospital yesterday to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The child, whom one doctor described as “a hallelujah chorus giving my soul a blowjob at the center of God,” is so … Read More
White People Jokes!
How many white people does it take to invent the lightbulb?
Just one!
What did one white guy say to the other white guy?
“I got into Yale.”
Why did the white man throw the clock out the window?
Because … Read More
What If…Everything in Life Was Like Your First Time Having Sex?
Watching a TV Show
You: [Sits down.]
TV: [Plays theme song.]
[Beat.]
TV: [Credits roll.]
Going to the Movies
You: How did you like the movie?
Girl: [Bursts into tears.]
Studying
[… Read More
<i>Other</i> New Baby Einstein Videos
Baby Einstein videos are supposed to make your infant son or daughter smarter just by watching them. This from the same company that brought you Learn Korean While You Sleep, Study for the LSATS While You Watch Rocky II, and … Read More
