113-year old John McMorran lives a quiet life, having long since lost the powers of sight and hearing, as well as being bedridden since the age of 100. McMorran spends his days in a world of unfathomable boredom, except for the twenty minutes a day when caregivers open his window and allow him to enjoy the sensation of wind on his face. His one remaining purpose in life: to outlast Mary Christian, the recently-crowned holder of the title Oldest American, seven days his senior.
“We’re all so proud of him,” said McMorran’s thirty-year old great-grandson, Peter McMorran. “Or at least, we’re going to be, just as soon as this Mary Christian hag drops off.”
“We were so close to winning it,” lamented McMorran’s sixty-four year old niece Agnes Toffler. Then Mary Christian’s people had to go and dig up her proof of age just before the deadline. Man, that pissed me off. I really want Uncle John to win the title so we can finally let him die.”
McMorran himself is equally enthusiastic about outlasting Christian. “My family says they won’t pay for a proper burial unless I give this my all,” he shouted to reporters wildly, his deafness making it difficult for him to properly modulate his voice. “Otherwise I would have given up long ago.”
A lot of people think it would be cool to be able to change into a sports car whenever they get hot, and back into a human whenever they get cold, but I’m here to tell you, it’s no picnic. My life changed a lot the day I crashed my bright red sports car into Dr. Chase’s lab on the very day he was testing a transference ray, causing an accident that fused my body with my car forever. Heck, I thought it was tough enough trying to fight crime and be a normal teenager, but things have only gotten tougher as I’ve gotten older.
Do you realize even a kiss from my friend Pattie was enough to turn me into a car? Sure, that was great when we were on an adventure and needed a quick way out of a jam, but did you ever consider that I might want to be kissed and stay human once in awhile? Whenever I’m with a girl and things get hot and heavy, I always run the risk of getting hot and too heavy, if you know what I mean. I mean I turn into a car, which is heavy. Even if I manage not to crush her, you know things will get awkward when she opens her eyes and realizes she’s tonguing the grille of a Firebird. Basically the only way to get around that is if we suck on ice cubes together, or if we break every fifteen minutes to chew a stick of ice gum. And for some reason, girls always want to know why I have such specific needs. Why, they ask, can we only have sex in a cold shower, a swimming pool, or a bathtub full of ice? Pity me, Bret Matthews, for the least terrifying answer possible is: “I am a sick man with perverse temperature fetishes.” One time, I forgot myself when a group of unknowing college friends invited me to join them in a hot tub. Needless to say, I was not invited back.
Prurient topics aside, things have only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I gained a reputation for laziness in college, as the slightest workout would have treated the entire gym to the sight of a sports car on a treadmill. I couldn’t even blame drugs for my sloth–the warm smoke of burning marijuana filling my lungs would only have resulted in me exhaling via an exhaust pipe.
Don’t even get me started on the mockery my disability has made of my law practice. Sweating in my tailored suit, under pressure to cross-examine a witness during a particularly stressful case, in a stifling courtroom full of people, the urge to transform overwhelms me suddenly, and often. Usually I can make it to my pitcher of ice water before becoming a sports car and losing the trust of the jury, but even if I do make it in time, everyone always looks strangely at the guy who cuts off midsentence to run across the courtroom and soak himself in water.
I would like to settle down and raise a family, but I cannot, for fear that my car-transforming ability has become part of my genetic makeup, to be passed on to my children. I cannot risk my child’s fetus transforming into a car in the warmth of the womb, harming the hypothetical mother of my child and potentially causing a miscarriage. The fetus might change into a Micro Machine or Hot Wheels sized car at first, but I have no doubt it would grow well into Power Wheels size by the third trimester, and anyone would agree that this is unacceptable.
On the plus side, I have a spoiler, which is totally dope.
Turbo-Teen ran for 12 episodes during the 1984-5 season, Saturday mornings on ABC.
Yeah, ’cause that’s really fucking cool. Oh wow. Bubbles. Wow. Never seen that before. Whoop-dee-freakin’-doo.
In a stunning move that senior White House correspondent James Wellton could only describe as “stunning,” the Bush administration turned to the “dredges of the earth” to help stimulate the lackluster economy of recent months.
“I ask you, the criminal elements of this great nation, to do your part to ensure a bright America, not only for your illegitimate children, but for your children everywhere, illegitimate or not,” Bush said during his midmorning speech in front of the U.S. Treasury building. “Every car window you break in search of crappy $40 CD players and $1.37 in change not only helps you score your next hit of smack, but also stimulates numerous other sectors of the economy. From the insurance broker who handles the claim, to the auto glass manufacturer, to even the auto glass installer who conveniently replaces glass on site a mere six days after the petty burglary has been committed, everyone has something to gain.”
When asked how the victims of the crime spree Bush is proposing would benefit, he promised “increased spending on prison budgets to expand our capacity to deal with the wave of criminals that cause everyday Americans to have to drive with a piece of cardboard taped over their windows.” Public reaction to this new policy has been met with mixed reviews. Said one passerby, who wished to remain anonymous, “Well, I guess it’s better than going to war, because that seemed to be the only plan this administration had so far to get out of this recession.”
Parent and child alike will glean endless hours of fun the SquelchCo way with this fully guaranteed glow-in-the-dark enema kit. Power outages and spooky Halloween sleepovers have never before been this exciting (or this purifying).
#65422. Also available: Wacky Whistlin’ Douche Kit! #65919
Help Kweise Mfume and the Reverend Jesse Jackson duel it out against oppression, discrimination and your SquelchCo Heroes of the WWE action figures (#14783-98) with these fully posable, 100% pissed-off 8″ dolls.
#16732-47 Coming soon: Rev. Al Sharpton with Kung-Fu Grip!
“I’ll give you a Series II Orin Hatch for your Tom Daschle rookie!” The fun is never filibustered with these full-color cards. Each comes complete with 2000-02 voting records and exciting bio-pics like “Enjoys playing catch with his son Cody and Accepted $40,000 from tobacco lobbyists in Aug. ’98.” Keep an eye out for the rare Russell Feingold hologram collectors’ card.
#78331
Time to be one of the bad boys on your block with this righteously gnarly hog-busting headpiece. Made from 100% genuine American cardstock.
#64536. Note: Contains no foam padding. Sharp edges. Not suitable for head protection or wearing.
Let’s face it, your first-grader has no talent, no marketable skills, and the mental capacity of a six year-old, so better to dash his idealism early. Our “essence of whiskey” mouthwash and clothes-rending SquelchCo scissors turn any happy child into a disheveled gutter-dweller. Playset includes used syringe and a moldy refrigerator box.
#56732
What do Gary Condit and Monica Lewinsky have in common? Who cares?! That hasn’t been funny for 1-3 years. Keep on top of the late-nite monologues with repeated references to Dennis Rodman and Britney Spears’ fake breasts. Each joke in this collection from the last half-decade has been ripened to mediocrity.
#33243 Also available: Vol. 1: “So Milli Vanilli and Clarence Thomas are Trapped in a Life Boat.” #33876. Coming soon: Vol. 3: “So I Heard Martha Stewart is Working for Enron…” #33545
Can’t decide if you want your child to grow up to be a Penthouse Pet or to just take pictures of them? This SquelchCo kit has all the accessories necessary for any aspiring model or photographer. Includes 2 KodakMAX disposable cameras, satin bedsheets, and merkin (please specify color). Child porn is okay when made by other children.
#47809
Are you the last kid on your block without braces? Well, are you? I’m asking you a question, son, answer me! Speak up before I knock your teeth out, otherwise you won’t be able to use this fun-filled playset! That’s better. Now you can enjoy being on the other end of the tooth-casting, braces-sticking, enamel-drilling, gum-cutting, root-canaling, molar-pulling, wire-bending terror of orthodontia. You can also save your parents tons of money by having your friends install your braces for you. Tell them that if they don’t want to buy this set for you. If they tell you they still won’t buy it because your teeth are perfect, fuck up your teeth and ask them again. Novocaine sold separately.
#92780
What child wouldn’t want to receive school supplies on this most magical day of the year? And what school supplies are cooler then pencils? The only thing cooler would be that thing he really wanted, or a rock.
#12945. Sharpener not included.
The most powerful battery-powered toy on the market! Takes 6 AA batteries, 4 C and 8 D batteries. Lasts 5 full minutes before all batteries must be replaced. Electricity from batteries is used to power the PowerBoxxGA$A3’s incredible internal battery-consuming engine PowerTronnGA$A3, which consumes battery power at an astronomical rate. PowerBoxxGA$A3 does not do anything else aside from draining battery power, as this would divert resources from the battery-consuming engine (PowerTronnGA$A3). Batteries not included.
#34678
