A group of workers picketed the Port of Oakland today to protest organized labor. The workers, fed up with the special treatment given to Union members, joined together in a self-proclaimed “show of solidarity” and let loose cries of “United against Unions! We are Workers, Too!”
“Organized labor is an outdated concept that is harming the economy and taking jobs away from honest, hard-working people,” said Joe Johnson, a 32 year old construction worker from Concord. “We felt the only way to fight such an entrenched institution was to join together and show the strength of our numbers.” Lucy Trackton, an electrician from Berkeley had similar sentiments, “individually what can each of us do? Not much. But if we gang together we can show them we mean business.”
Collective bargaining and frequent strikes greatly harm the economy while providing nominal improvement to the well being of the workers, many in attendance believed. “We are here to bring the free-market system back to the workplace, like good Americans.”
Also in attendance was Brent Larder, a minister at Fresh Morning Baptist Church, who says he was so inspired by the actions of this group that he’s decided to organize a nude protest against pornography.
While the Squelch is known for it’s off-kilter slightly irregular comedy, I’d like to take this chance to inform Berkeley and the public at large of one fundamental fact: I am a great boyfriend.
Sometimes I’ll be walking around town with my wonderful but still humble girlfriend and we’ll come across a couple whose love isn’t nearly as perfect as ours. We can’t help but laugh, for you see, I’m just that good. I’ll pull out a breath mint and then, coyly looking at her in that way that she really likes, we get out of that horrible imperfect-love-infected area. That’s the Sciortino difference.
Some other boyfriends have problems. Do you remember that time that you spent all that time on that thing for your boyfriend, and then when you showed that thing to him he was like, “Oh, a thing. Ho-hum.”? Not me. I’m like, “Why dear, I can tell through my keen and observant eyes that this took a lot of time and effort on your part. Here, I made you this tiny ship in a bottle for you over the course of two years and I decided to give it to you right now. Also, you just got a haircut didn’t you? I love it.”
When I’m not listening intently to my girlfriend recount her day at work, I’m off performing tasks to show off how sensitive I am. I paint watercolor, cook, keep my room clean, and write and draw my own on-going series of comic books based on how great of a boyfriend I am. It’s called, “The Adventures of Incredible Boyfriend Man.” In last week’s issue, I successfully negotiated a strike that was preventing my girlfriend from buying all organic produce. She’s into that kind of stuff. Of course, I understand the importance of organically grown foods to ecosystems and personal health and safety. Mostly, however, I care about the happiness and well-being of my girlfriend: the greatest boyfriend-having person in the whole world ever. Possibly in the whole history of ever.
Because really, why be in a relationship at all unless it is completely and totally perfect?
I’d also like to address those who may question the extent of my boyfriendular abilities. My extreme wonderfulness does not stop at the doors of the bedroom. I am woefully adequate. I don’t want to be crass (it would be unseemly) but lets just say that there’s plenty of “channels” on the “TV.” Don’t get it? Ok let me try this one: There’re “five birds” in the “window” and they’re all “thinking about Jimmy Carter.” No? Well, my penis is large and can bring great pleasure. Also, I give a very passable massage.
Of course, all of this wouldn’t matter if I didn’t have a wonderful and compassionate person to share my immediately foreseeable future with. My girlfriend is gifted in many ways. The main way is in myself. Because really, aren’t I a gift?
Think about it, won’t you?
Last week, after a bitter defeat to the University of Arizona’s number one bas-ketball team, UC Berkeley’s star forward/center was seen at Kingpin Donuts eating apple fritters.
According to witnesses, Tamir consumed eight of the delicious pastries consectutively without so much as a breath.
“One, [num nurm chomp] two, [slobber bite bite] three,” said Tamir. “[nibble] mmm four [chew smack] five….” he later added. When he reached his last donut, Tamir exclaimed “[num nurm chomp] eight.”
In a move that may have implications far beyond Shellmound Street, the Emeryville IKEA has declared itself an independent republic. Speaking from the newly established capital next to the lighting aisle, Assistant Customs Manager/President-Elect Sven Nielsen spoke at length about freedom from tyranny, the natural rights of retail employees, and the success of the recent Winter Sale.
UC Berkeley professor Wilber Chaffee was not surprised by the decision. “IKEA is almost as big as the rest of Emeryville combined. With abundant natural resources, plentiful strudel, and a small, hex-wrench-wielding militia, IKEA should find great success on its own.” Chaffee then purchased a set of knives for $4.
The Emeryville government, still weakened from its efforts to put down the Best Buy revolt in November, is expected to offer only token resistance. Primary exports of the new nation are expected to be prefabricated bookshelves and traffic.
Greetings fellow young adults! Many of you are like myself, holding down a part-time office job in order to finance your necessary collegiate expenditures. Whether they be fees and housing or booze and hookers, having a well-paying part-time job makes any college experience more enjoyable. Many more of you will be graduating into a soft job market and are either too stupid for graduate school or too proud to teach a classroom full of our futures and will find yourselves spending years pushing paper in an office and masturbating to the dreams of that second dot-com explosion that will leave you with nothing but a broken spirit and a fistful of your own wasted seed. Or you can move back home with your parents, which will also leave you with nothing but a broken spirit and (this time) a bedsheet full of your own wasted seed.
But I digress…. I now humbly offer unto you, my classmates, my Most Courteous Guide to Office Efficacy GAA Advisement for the Junior Clerk:
My best to all of you and my warmest regards!
Art history degree holder Stephen “Stevie” Wilson put his degree to good use this weekend when he jury-rigged it for use as a dust pan.
“These Oreo crumbs spilled every-where and Julie’s been hassling me about being such a slob,” said an apathetic Wilson. “I was looking for something to pick them up with when I saw my degree and I thought, ‘Why not?'”
This marks the fourth time the degree has been used by Wilson. Other uses include: a prop to help solicit funds from parents; a potholder; and, in a rolled up form, a metephorical telescope used to scan the horizon for nonexistent jobs.
Last Saturday, Vanity Fair magazine held a fashion show featuring the latest styles for spring. Several stars flocked to the occasion, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Donatella Versace, Britney Spears, and all those other people whose names are always in bold in these kinds of articles. You know, the people you aren’t but pathetically dream you could be, you fat ugly loser.
Natalie Portman was seen laughing her precious laugh as she shelled out $20,000 for the latest, cutting-edge thong (Dolce and Gabbana, available at Neiman-Marcus). Patricia Arquette and Thomas Jane (at whom Liz Taylor sniffed, “no one even knew who these people were until they got famous just for getting engaged”) admired a carpet imported from Afghanistan (Christian Dior, $550,000). Jennifer Love Hewitt remarked that the rug was so delicately hand-stitched that it “could only have been made by the emaciated hands of starving five-year-olds.”
No mention was made of the fact that, ironically, the event was a perfect example of conspicuous consumption as demonstrated in The Great Gatsby, nor was there mention of the impending war on Iraq.
Carrie Bartlett, a UC Berkeley student facing thousands of dollars of debt in student loans, could not be reached for comment.
