Beautiful, Rich People Attend Beautiful, Rich Event

Last Saturday, Vanity Fair magazine held a fashion show featuring the latest styles for spring. Several stars flocked to the occasion, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Donatella Versace, Britney Spears, and all those other people whose names are always in bold in these kinds of articles. You know, the people you aren’t but pathetically dream you could be, you fat ugly loser.

Natalie Portman was seen laughing her precious laugh as she shelled out $20,000 for the latest, cutting-edge thong (Dolce and Gabbana, available at Neiman-Marcus). Patricia Arquette and Thomas Jane (at whom Liz Taylor sniffed, “no one even knew who these people were until they got famous just for getting engaged”) admired a carpet imported from Afghanistan (Christian Dior, $550,000). Jennifer Love Hewitt remarked that the rug was so delicately hand-stitched that it “could only have been made by the emaciated hands of starving five-year-olds.”

No mention was made of the fact that, ironically, the event was a perfect example of conspicuous consumption as demonstrated in The Great Gatsby, nor was there mention of the impending war on Iraq.

Carrie Bartlett, a UC Berkeley student facing thousands of dollars of debt in student loans, could not be reached for comment.