- Perhaps… perhaps…
- No
- Yes
Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Squelch M.D.
Latest Issue
Top Ten Least Effective Study Strategies
- Run the book over your naked body
- Write an equal sign, take a shot
- Pull the Fire Alarm of Knowledge
- Scrape ink off books, snort ink
- Watch Billy Madison 12 times
- Take Grampa’s advice to “wisen up” to heart
- Eat books, call it brain food
- Turn on the History Channel, hope it’s what your class is about
- Kaplan
- Highlight all words longer than 4 letters
Top Ten Nice Things to Say to Someone with a Terminal Disease
- Don’t worry… you’re gonna be
just… f-f-fine! [Sob] - Not many people get to make
TWO wishes. - Don’t worry. We’ll bury it with you
eventually. - Now you won’t have to see your
hamster eventually die - Don’t be sad! Hey, give me a high
three. - No ovaries means no need for
uncomfortable contraception. - Just think, in two years you can
drive yourself to the hospital - Hey, Lou Gehrig is my favorite
baseball player! - It’s so funny, your name is Luke
and you have leukemia - I’ve never known a MISS Baldy
before.
Top Ten Euphemisms for Sex with a Horse
- Doing a Horse
- Making Glue
- Horse Whispering
- Red Bulling
- Getting Neigh’d
- Shafting the Shetland
- Underjockey
- Playing Stud
- Trigger Happy
- Seabiscuitting
Ostensible Fun Fact Turns Out to Be Terrifying Omen
On Wednesday evening, shortly after consuming his fourth banana of the day, Cal junior Bryan Dempsey opened a bottle of Snapple only to find the short but harrowing factoid “Eating bananas makes you more attractive to mosquitoes” staring up at him from the underside of the cap.
Moments later, a tremendous cloud of mosquitoes descended upon Dempsey and drank three pints of his banana-rich blood.
Snapple Spokesperson Amber Horowitz remarked, “Snapple is not liable when God uses its enjoyable ‘fun fact’ feature in ironic ways.”
“I don’t know what was worse GAA almost being eaten alive by a swarm of mosquitoes, or being slapped in the face seconds beforehand with the inevitability of it,” Dempsey told the Squelch from his bed at Alta Bates Medical Center, where he remains in stable condition. “Thanks for the fun fact, Snapple.”
A Berkeley Homecoming
What if all of Berkeley’s heroes came to visit their adoring campus? Well, they’d probably like Top Dog, for starters.
Prologue
STEVE: Hey, you know what’d be awesome? If we got all of our heroes to come to Berkeley.
JOSH: You mean, like, Gandhi? Or Marx?
STEVE: Or Che Guevara! I saw him on a shirt once.
JOSH: Wow, a shirt?
STEVE: You know, I still have that magic lamp with one wish left in it, and I’m kinda over the idea of a car made of hot women. I wish for all our heroes to magically–
JORDAN: Dude, Dave Matthews!
STEVE: Goddamit Jordan, you’re so high right now.
At the Airport
CHE GUEVARA: Power of Che Guevara!
KARL MARX: Power of Karl Marx!
MAHATMA GANDHI: Power of Mahatma Gandhi!
DAVE MATTHEWS: Power of the Beatles!
KARL MARX: You’re not the Beatles.
DAVE MATTHEWS: Part of me knows that.
Friendly Chatting
GANDHI: So Che, how was your flight in?
CHE: You know, coming from hell and all, I flew in on the burning vapor trails of a screeching cacodemon.
DAVE MATTHEWS: Guess you shouldn’t have flown Southwest! Zing!! [Silence]
DAVE MATTHEWS: C’mon, that was totally a zing! [Silence]
MARX: Oh look, they’re selling hemp jewelry.
_In the Dorms _
CHE: Hey, look at all these posters of me!
GANDHI: And me!
DAVE MATTHEWS: And me! [Pause]
MARX: Yeah, screw you guys. I’m going to the DC to get tacos.
_At a City Council Meeting _
GANDHI: Leaders of Berkeley, we come here from across time and space to solve all the problems of your fair city! We will bring a new age of civility, and development, and–
KRISS WORTHINGTON: We’ve got to stop construction of this cell phone antenna!
TOM BATES: What is it about the antenna?
WORTHINGTON: Well, for starters, it’s an eyesore–
MARX: Excuse me, we’re here to get rid of homelessness, traffic–
BATES: But what of the antenna?
WORTHINGTON: Yes, the antenna!
MARX: Forget the antenna. We’ve got bigger–
WORTHINGTON: I’m sorry, did you file a speaker card ten minutes prior to the meeting?
MARX: Well, no….
GANDHI: But we’ve crossed the very fabric of existence to…
BATES: No card, no speak. Now back to this antenna.
Leaving Berkeley
CHE: You know, for having miraculously come back to life to visit a thriving college campus, I feel like we really didn’t do much.
DAVE MATTHEWS: Didn’t do much… like a poli sci major! [Silence]
DAVE MATTHEWS: I’m going to go the bathroom. [Dave Matthews walks away]
MARX: Quick, let’s go to the DC… and get more tacos.
Women’s Sexuality De-Cal Walked in On
The Women’s Sexuality De-Cal class was deeply embarrassed last weekend when its Mother walked in on them, unaware.
The class, both famed and controversial for its explicit exploration of female sexual topics, was in the middle of a hot and heavy discussion of the implications of the clitoris.
“Mom! Get out!” the class reportedly yelled, gathering a blanket around itself.
The Mother, Karen Gronsky, 45, muttered an apology and walked out, cheeks red.
“She totally doesn’t respect our privacy,” said the De-Cal class, which was suspended two years ago over accusations of inappropriate behavior. “I can’t believe she didn’t knock or something.”
The class then helped the Male Sexuality De-Cal out the back window before going downstairs.
Bum Saves Woman From CIA
At 7:00 PM exactly, Berkeley student Amy Delacruz was walking down Telegraph Avenue when she narrowly missed being incinerated by an orbiting satellite. She was saved by local street person Amos Terwuggen, who was nearby and dove on her just as, in his own words, “beams made all out of lasers” were about to strike her down. The beam disintegrated half the street and a storefront before mysteriously disappearing.
Ms. Delacruz shrieked at Mr. Terwuggen and beat him senseless, walking away without looking behind to view the utter destruction.
Mr. Terwuggen explained that the beam was fired from a CIA satellite being controlled by “Rick the Smick.”
“Smick always doin’ stuff for the CIA,” said Terwuggen. “They’re mad because I keep the air from moving too quickly. Look, Rick got his CIA remote control out now!”
Unfortunately, Rick had apparently hidden his remote before this reporter could look at him.
Fortress of Solitude Too Solitudinous
Antarctica’s population grew by one yesterday when local resident Superman purchased a hamster in order to alleviate the crippling loneliness of living in an ice cave at the South Pole. Along with cage, wheel, and hamster ball, the icy Fortress of Solitude is now equipped with a portable area heater because, according to Superman, “no one wants a repeat of the goldfish incident.”
Superman told reporters that he just couldn’t take the Fortress’ solitude anymore. “I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately,” said Superman, “but last week, I finally hit rock bottom.” The Man of Steel admitted to taking an entire bottle of Xanax last Thursday, in an attempt to end his life. “But since it wasn’t Kryptonite Xanax, I was pretty okay.”
The Last Son of Krypton’s special friend came in the form of a brown and white dwarf hamster. “His name is Mr. Huggles,” Superman told reporters, “and he’s my bestest friend.” Superman then tenderly put a small cape around Mr. Huggles’ tiny neck.
Gotham City’s Batman, once believed to be Superman’s best friend, was unavailable for comment.
In unrelated news, billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne spent the day alone on a park bench, eating a pint of H+A+-agen-Dazs and casting wistful gazes at Gotham’s empty skyline.
Words from the Top
The Tomato
There are few living things in this world more controversial, and I say this without hyperbole, than the tomato (Lycopersicon lycopersicum and Lycopersicon esculentum).
It is interesting to note that the tomato’s closest relatives in the plant kingdom are the oft-poisonous members of the Solanum, or nightshade, family, as well as the poisonously delicious tobacco plant . The tomato’s closest relatives in the animal kingdom are the monarch butterfly and Earl the One-Balled Ferris Wheel Operator.
While a rich source of the heart-healthy antioxidant lycopene, there are many people who feel that the tomato, when not served in ketchup or marinara form, should be relegated to the purpose of being loaded in a time machine and sent back to 1923 so as to be then thrown at hack comedians.
Others like tomatoes becauses of their sweet yet tart taste and the fact that they look like the breasts of a pubescent girl.
Regardless of your feelings about tomatoes or pubescent girls, we can all agree that it took one sick sick bastard to wake up one morning and say, “Hey, you know what’ll make this tomato taste extra-great? WE SHOULD MIX IT WITH CLAM JUICE AND SERVE IT CHILLED IN THE BEVERAGE SECTION OF THE LOCAL CONVENIENCE STORE.”
Why? What the fuck? Clamato? IT’S CLAM JUICE AND TOMATO JUICE. Who was sitting there in the Q.A. department watching all these bottles go by and asking: “Hey, we sure are making a swell product. Thank God Randy in the front office WON ALL THAT FUCKING CLAM JUICE IN THAT POKER GAME!”
Or maybe they never even bothered to ask what it was:
“Hey Curt, what is this shit anyway?”
“I dunno. Didja get your paycheck?”
“Yup.”
“Word.”
Oh, I know what gave rise to Clamato, it took place after a Jules Verne-esque race around the world wherein the Duke of Bloomsbury defeated Lord Shipshobbington and then cast him away off the coast of the Outer Hebrides with nothing but the will to live to keep him afloat.
If only that were true. If only.
And then there’s the name. When the SS decided to commit genocide, they didn’t call it “The Kill All the Jews (and other people we don’t like) Plan.” They came up with “The Final Solution to the Jewish Question,” a subtle and marketable euphemism. Take note, Mott’s Corp. The folks at Clamato did just the opposite. They celebrated this abomination of nature and their first-degree palette assault by jamming the two words together as if it were just another everyday broccoflower.
What else will grace the beverage market in the coming millenia? Orange Marmalamb Smoothie? Pork Peppermint Patties (in beverage form), YooHoocestershire Sauce?
Have I ever actually tasted Clamato? Well, no. But you don’t need to inhale Zyklon-B to know that it’s bad.
