Ostensible Fun Fact Turns Out to Be Terrifying Omen

On Wednesday evening, shortly after consuming his fourth banana of the day, Cal junior Bryan Dempsey opened a bottle of Snapple only to find the short but harrowing factoid “Eating bananas makes you more attractive to mosquitoes” staring up at him from the underside of the cap.

Moments later, a tremendous cloud of mosquitoes descended upon Dempsey and drank three pints of his banana-rich blood.

Snapple Spokesperson Amber Horowitz remarked, “Snapple is not liable when God uses its enjoyable ‘fun fact’ feature in ironic ways.”

“I don’t know what was worse GAA almost being eaten alive by a swarm of mosquitoes, or being slapped in the face seconds beforehand with the inevitability of it,” Dempsey told the Squelch from his bed at Alta Bates Medical Center, where he remains in stable condition. “Thanks for the fun fact, Snapple.”