Whenever I’m feeling down, I like to boost my self-esteem by comparing myself to other people. Perhaps that’s why I like alcoholics, the elderly, and people who play Counterstrike. Recently, however, I chose someone who would prove to … Read More
LeVar Burton is a lonely, lonely man. For years, I watched him enrich the lives and minds of young and old alike as host of Reading Rainbow. He traveled to the farthest reaches of fantasy and… Read More
There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus Christ is the most popular guy around, even though he’s been dead for millions of years. And I’m not the only one because there are a lot of people … Read More
A brief interruption of Playboy TV’s Night Calls by Nickelodeon’s Spongebob Squarepants has challenged the morals of a small community outside Saginaw,Michigan. Though the cable company has taken responsibility for the electrical glitch, parents and children … Read More
Scientists at the Center for Urban Tree Exploration released their findings last week that squirrels are, in fact, extremely cute. Head researcher Earl Askew explained, “When we examine the past few months’ data, there’s a… Read More
Newly elected Berkeley Mayor Tom Bates has admitted responsiblity for the murders of 200 Berkeley citizens who had voted against him in the November election, along with the entire staff of the Daily Californian.
“There is no question… Read More
It is the briny deck of the buccaneer galleon, “The Blackart.” The dread Jolly Roger is flying atop the mizzenmast. In the background can be seen the swells of the treacherous deep. A rowboat approaches the vessel … Read More
Despite repeatedly informing new aquaintences that “Frank is my name. Don’t wear it out” the name belonging to the UC student formerly known as Frank Galvan has deteriorated to a point where it can no longer be … Read More
My ’63 Convertible slowed to a stop in the eerie woods. There were no streetlights or signs of civilization for miles. You think I was scared? HA! Not with my date in the passenger seat. That night, … Read More
The first time I pooped myself, I was 6 hours old. At least that sounds about right. I’m pretty sure that when it happened, it got on both my butt-cheeks and needless to say was a disturbing mess for… Read More
