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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 14- Issue 1

Health Care for the Streets

August 1, 2004
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If you’re like most poor people, you’re probably having some problems finding decent health coverage, but you probably aren’t having any problems finding diseases. When shopping for back-alley physicians, always remember the back-alley Hippocratic Oath: “If it’s an unlimited supply of tainted needles you’re looking for, come and talk to my buddy over here.”

How to Choose
When approaching your back-alley physician, make sure he is accredited. Signs of accreditation usually include more than one kind of blood type in some jars and a thick, lustrous mustache. Make sure the jars have labels.

Know the Basics
Don’t let him trick you into fancy procedures you don’t need like tumor removal or antibiotics. Always take note of whether or not his scalpels are clean; if they are, then he’s obviously inexperienced and hasn’t used them yet that day. You should come back later when he’s gotten into a good rhythm.

Understanding Your Diagnosis
Years of back-alley coursework and bloody urban turf wars have altered your physician’s lingo to fit his more streetwise clientele. If he says you have leprosy, you really have hepatitis C. Head wound? Hep C. And if he says you have consumption, then part of your leg is stuck in the jaws of a giant sewer-dwelling alligator, who is likewise afflicted with hepatitis.

Referrals to Specialists
Need a specialist? There’s one on every corner. Always remember, though, that when your physician refers you to a common street pimp billing himself as “the Doctor of Desire” he can cure only one ailment: a broken heart.

Paying the Bill
Most starting physicians will accept “thrills” as appropriate compensation. Others accept food stamps. Most will be content with a quid pro quo arrangement, provided you’re a back-alley medical school professor.

Volume 14- Issue 1

O! The Perils of Democracy…Throughout Time.

August 1, 2004
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Bureaucracy. Though we may have trouble spelling the word, the features that embody the concept are all too familiar: paperwork, red tape, waiting periods, committees, paperwork. But this condition is not unique to tax and spend commies or those fast-talking Washington fat cats of the post-industrial period. No, bureaucracy has been plaguing civilization since long before Father of Sociology Max Weber first delineated its characteristics in his devastating book Wirtschaft und Gesellschaft, published posthumously in 1924. Observe:

Modern-day Dusseldorf, Germany. 205,000 B.C.E.
Chief Blorg: Vice Chief Thog, I instruct you to spear that hoofed creature and prepare his flesh for the feast.
Vice Chief Thog: Why do I always have to do it? Why can’t you do it?
Chief Blorg: Because I’m the Chief. I tell you what to do.
Vice Chief Thog: But you’re closer.
Chief Blorg: [Spears Thog]
Vice Chief Thog: Only now, with my death, do I realize that an automatic compliance with all rules would best ensure my career advancement and securityarghghghgh.
Chief Blorg: Let this be a lesson to all Germans!

Cairo. 1998 B.C.E.
King Mentuhotep III: Here are the plans for the pyramid tomb of my immortal soul for submission to the Bureau of Planning.
Secretary: Looks good, except you filled out the wrong form. Tomb of immortal soul plans need to be submitted on papyrus 12-B. You used stone tablet 12-B, which is used to reserve sarcophagus cleanings. Sorry.
King Mentuhotep III: But I’m going to die on Tuesday! What will become of my soul?
Secretary: Here’s some clay and a stylus; write a hieroglyphic message to someone who cares.

Rome. 81 C.E.
Emperor Domitian: All right, what’s next on the agenda…a lobby group from Gaul is pressuring us to adopt a numerical representation of the concept of zero.
Senator Marianus: Hold on…zero? I concede that lacking an iconic and conceptual understanding of an empty set is stifling our technological advancement, but do we really have the capital for zero right now?
Emperor Domitian: You are wise beyond your years, senator. Developing the infrastructure to accommodate zero would devastate the imperial fund. Jesus, just think of all the facades we’d have to recarve!
Senator Valerius: However, Emperor, the zero constituency has been very vocal, and this is an election year.
Emperor Domitian: Hmm, also a compelling argument.
Nubile, rose-lipped Senate intern Cornelius: If I may speak out of turn, Emperor, my estimates show that we can afford either zero or twelve additional public executions of disobedient Vestal Virgins per annum, but not both.
Emperor Domitian: Zero denied.

Tenochtitlan (modern-day Mexico City). 1519 C.E.
Doctor Tzitzimime: Glorious news, Moctezuma the Second, I’ve fashioned out of available roots and herbs a medicine that can cure all disease, including ones that we have no knowledge of!
Moctezuma: That’s fantastic! I’ll spread the news as soon as… Hold on. I forgot.
Doctor Tzitzimime: Forgot about what?
Moctezuma: Well, we’ve got the Aztec Drug Administration to contend with. ADA approval can take up to fifteen years. First there’s the animal testing, then the Augury Board, then the Medicine Man Union Committee…could be decades.
Doctor Tzitzimime: But our cities could fall prey to heretofore unknown pale-faced cowards, whom we have no reason to expect.
Moctezuma: Never fear. Any white intruders (of which we to date have no knowledge) would never get into our walls. Unless, of course, they have large exploding metal sticks, which, again, we don’t know about.

Washington, D.C. March 4, 1841.
Anna Harrison: How will you celebrate your inauguration, my love?
William Henry Harrison: All of my life I’ve wanted a mail-order stereoscope. I hear Charles Wheatstone’s newest invention is knocking the Yankees’ socks off up north. I just couldn’t justify the expense until now. All I need to do is fill out this form and…aw, horseradish. It can take up to 31 days for my order to be processed and mailed to the White House! I can’t wait that long.
Anna Harrison: Stop your complaining. You’ll live.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Man Successfully Programs VCR

August 1, 2004
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Home Depot assistant manager Steven Tepper called a press conference yesterday to announce that he had succeeded in programming his VCR to display the correct time instead of blinking “12:00” over and over.

When told by reporters that VCRs have been around for twenty years now, and that by this point anyone who doesn’t know how to program them should be legally restrained from members of the opposite sex on the off chance that they might manage to copulate and injure society at large by creating offspring who are as retarded as they are, and that any one of the assembled members of the international press could bitch-slap him without spilling his or her beer, Mr. Tepper asked, “What kind of beer?” and was promptly bitch-slapped by CNN’s Paula Zahn, whose King Cobra remained daintily in its 24-ounce can.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Student Literally Has Mind Blown

August 1, 2004
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In a stunning turn of events, Cal political science student David Lee literally had his mind blown on Friday by a live Radiohead performance that his roommate downloaded from Kazaa.

When asked whether he actually meant that his mind had only figuratively been blown, Lee responded, “No.”

Volume 14- Issue 1

If Every Problem at Cal Could Be Solved with a Form Letter

August 1, 2004

September 24, 2004

University of California, Berkeley
Billing and Payment Services
192 University Hall #1110
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear UC Regents:

Thank you for your interest in receiving the money we owe you. We are always pleased to hear from school departments that wish to collect payment for services rendered.

Although we welcome your invoices, we are obliged to inform you that you will not be seeing a red cent from us at any point in the foreseeable future. The reasons for this are various, and include the fact that we are permanently broke and that those laundry machines are a total rip, but please rest assured that we wish you success in your endeavors, however futile.

Sincerely,

Eamon Doyle
Bill Avoidance Division

P.S. It is our policy that late fees are bullshit. Please retain the enclosed photograph of us giving you the finger for your records.

September 28, 2004

Guy Sitting Behind Us
100 Latimer Hall
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear Guy Sitting Behind Us,

It has recently come to our attention that you have been tapping your foot on the back of our chair for the last forty-seven minutes of this fifty-minute astronomy lecture. Given that it is currently nine o’clock in the morning, and we at Mark Thomas only stopped binge drinking four hours ago when we lost consciousness in a puddle of our own vomit and urine, the incessant tap-tap-tapping of your foot on our chair is evocative of Gilbert Gottfried jackhammering a colicky baby into our face.

As we have already made two cease-and-desist requests regarding this issue, this will be our final correspondence before we follow you out of class and into the restroom, where we will give you a swirlie.

Have a nice day,

Mark Thomas
Executive in Charge of Giving You a Swirlie

September 20, 2004

Ball-hogging Guys
c/o Recreational Sporting Facility
2301 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear Ball-hogging Guys,

It has recently come to our attention that we at Sean Keane have been open for the majority of this afternoon’s basketball competition. We believe that your decision to entrust the coveted position of point guard to us was a wise one; however, we feel that you have not fully recognized and taken advantage of the numerous opportunities we have provided for the team GAA specifically, the opportunities for scoring and competitive demoralization (i.e. “trash talking”).

We recognize that we at Sean Keane are neither tall nor dexterous, but feel that we could be a tactical addition to your portfolio.

Regards,

Sean Keane

P.S. We remain currently, as before, open. Please get back to us with the ball before the close of business today.

September 21, 2004

Ms. XXXX Doyle
23XX XXXX Avenue
XXXX, CA 94XXX

Dear Ms. Doyle:

Thank you for your recent communication of Friday, September 17th. We appreciate your taking the time to share your opinions and concerns regarding the personal affairs of your first-born son.

Regretfully, we must inform you that at this time we have to plans to attain an occupation and support ourselves a little for a change, per your stated request. Moreover, we are presently unable to apply more effort to our political science class, as this would not be conducive to our current strategy of going to that one concert with our friend Steve-o.

Ms. Doyle, please know that we consider you a valued parent, and are always any open to any further comments or suggestions you may have.

Best wishes,

Eamon Doyle
Department of Family Affairs

September 23, 2004

Girl in Suite 2B51H
Foothill-LaLoma Dormitory
Berkeley, CA 94720

To Whom It May Concern:

We at Mark Thomas, in light of the recent dismissal of our proposal to rock your world, have unanimously elected to reject your conciliatory offer of friendship, as it was decidedly devoid of all desired amenities outlined in the original contract GAA most notably, blowjobs. The refusal on your part to participate in negotiations regarding addition of any key benefits to the tabled offer has led us to question the integrity of your intentions and reputation as a pincushion for dicks.

It is thusly concordant with our current vision that all company resources will be diverted to watching ourselves weep silently in a mirror.

We wish you much success in your attempts to spread your sloppy vagina all over Slutsville, though we are certain that in this endeavor, success is inevitable.

Regards,

Mark Thomas
Director of Waiting for You to Call, You Fucking Bitch

September 21, 2004

Bearded Homeless Man
Between Top Dog and Smart Alec’s
Durant Avenue
Berkeley, CA 94708

Dear Bearded Homeless Man,

We appreciate the inquiry as to the financial health of Sean Keane. Unfortunately, Sean Keane is not at liberty at this time to discuss the issue of whether or not he possesses change, much less the larger question of whether such hypothetical change is indeed “spare.” As such, the objective of the requested funds, be it food, alcohol, or some baser, as-yet-unimaginable-to-Sean Keane homeless-person vice, is currently irrelevant.

We wish you the best of success in your future solicitations. However, we regret that this new policy in regards to change reporting will be in place until further notice, and that any further inquiries will be met with a blank stare or a hearty “Sorry, man.”

Respectfully yours,

Sean Keane

Volume 14- Issue 1

Top Ten Signs You Aren’t in Oscar Contention

August 1, 2004
  1. You played a retarded guy, but it was a documentary
  2. Your credit: “Assistant to Mr. Top”
  3. The title of your movie replaces a word that sounds like “monkey” with the word “monkey”
  4. “Man’s Head Exploding” flipbook not technically a movie
  5. Despite the widespread popularity of your movie, you’re still R. Kelly
  6. There is more than one X in the title of your movie
  7. Any films in which you’ve appeared have been recorded by convenience store surveillance cameras
  8. Your last name ends in “-ayans”
  9. Reviews describe you as “acne-scarred”
  10. Your production company is named “Miramaxish”
Volume 14- Issue 1

Top Ten Most Important Questions Answered by the Internet

August 1, 2004
  1. Where did the last four hours go?
  2. Could somebody really get aroused by this?
  3. How can I harness the awesome power of Immortality Cubes?
  4. Is “analfisting” one word or two?
  5. How would Sonic’s marriage to Princess Toadstool really go?
  6. What do ninjas do when they’re not cutting off heads or flipping out?
  7. When will you finally go out of business, Jeeves?
  8. How much peanut butter does it take to get a lesbian dog to blow a moose?
  9. Can she really fit all those in there?
  10. Who would win in a fight between a pirate, Chuck Norris, and a robot Legolas?