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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 14- Issue 1

Health Care for the Streets

August 1, 2004
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If you’re like most poor people, you’re probably having some problems finding decent health coverage, but you probably aren’t having any problems finding diseases. When shopping for back-alley physicians, always remember the back-alley Hippocratic Oath: “If it’s an unlimited supply of tainted needles you’re looking for, come and talk to my buddy over here.”

How to Choose
When approaching your back-alley physician, make sure he is accredited. Signs of accreditation usually include more than one kind of blood type in some jars and a thick, lustrous mustache. Make sure the jars have labels.

Know the Basics
Don’t let him trick you into fancy procedures you don’t need like tumor removal or antibiotics. Always take note of whether or not his scalpels are clean; if they are, then he’s obviously inexperienced and hasn’t used them yet that day. You should come back later when he’s gotten into a good rhythm.

Understanding Your Diagnosis
Years of back-alley coursework and bloody urban turf wars have altered your physician’s lingo to fit his more streetwise clientele. If he says you have leprosy, you really have hepatitis C. Head wound? Hep C. And if he says you have consumption, then part of your leg is stuck in the jaws of a giant sewer-dwelling alligator, who is likewise afflicted with hepatitis.

Referrals to Specialists
Need a specialist? There’s one on every corner. Always remember, though, that when your physician refers you to a common street pimp billing himself as “the Doctor of Desire” he can cure only one ailment: a broken heart.

Paying the Bill
Most starting physicians will accept “thrills” as appropriate compensation. Others accept food stamps. Most will be content with a quid pro quo arrangement, provided you’re a back-alley medical school professor.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Man Successfully Programs VCR

August 1, 2004
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Home Depot assistant manager Steven Tepper called a press conference yesterday to announce that he had succeeded in programming his VCR to display the correct time instead of blinking “12:00” over and over.

When told by reporters that VCRs have been around for twenty years now, and that by this point anyone who doesn’t know how to program them should be legally restrained from members of the opposite sex on the off chance that they might manage to copulate and injure society at large by creating offspring who are as retarded as they are, and that any one of the assembled members of the international press could bitch-slap him without spilling his or her beer, Mr. Tepper asked, “What kind of beer?” and was promptly bitch-slapped by CNN’s Paula Zahn, whose King Cobra remained daintily in its 24-ounce can.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Kerry Went to Vietnam to Kill Babies

August 1, 2004
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According to a group of Vietnam veterans who claim to have served with John Kerry, Kerry’s initial motivation for joining the military was to kill defenseless babies. While none of the veterans have accused Kerry of killing any babies, most agree that they suspect that he would have if given the opportunity.

“I don’t think he ever saw any Communist babies to kill, but I think if he did, he would have stabbed them,” said one member of the group “Veterans for Truth.”

While there is no clear evidence that baby-stabbing was Kerry’s intent for going to Vietnam, the veterans are standing firm.

Said one, “He was gonna kill babies, I’m sure of it! Bush wouldn’t have. That’s all that really matters. If he becomes president, he may stab your baby!”

Volume 14- Issue 1

Students Rewarded for Showing Up

August 1, 2004
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After much deliberation, the California Department of Education has announced that it will administer the first High School Exit Exam in 2006. If a student fails to pass the test, he or she will not receive a diploma, but will instead receive a “Certificate of Attendance,” a Datsun, two ounces of methamphetamine, and a triple beam scale. “They’re going to need it,” remarked State Secretary of Education Richard Riordan.

Through implementation of this test, the Board of Education hopes to further reward stupid, dirty students so that they can continue working at Starbucks. Students who receive the Certificate of Attendance need not worry, though, as such respected universities as DeVry and ITT Tech will still consider them for admission.

DeVry-Turlock campus administrators confirmed that they will be scheduling a Fall 2006 course entitled “Putting Your Pants On Before Your Shoes.”

Those who fail the test will also be given the option of a menial job as an assembly-line worker in a windowless factory in Bakersfield. Ironically, this factory builds nothing but machines that score standardized tests. Asked about the cosmic turn of events, factory night shift manager Josh DeSigly mused, “Want to buy some meth?”

Volume 14- Issue 1

Top Ten Most Important Questions Answered by the Internet

August 1, 2004
  1. Where did the last four hours go?
  2. Could somebody really get aroused by this?
  3. How can I harness the awesome power of Immortality Cubes?
  4. Is “analfisting” one word or two?
  5. How would Sonic’s marriage to Princess Toadstool really go?
  6. What do ninjas do when they’re not cutting off heads or flipping out?
  7. When will you finally go out of business, Jeeves?
  8. How much peanut butter does it take to get a lesbian dog to blow a moose?
  9. Can she really fit all those in there?
  10. Who would win in a fight between a pirate, Chuck Norris, and a robot Legolas?
Volume 14- Issue 1

O! The Perils of Democracy…Throughout Time.

August 1, 2004
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Bureaucracy. Though we may have trouble spelling the word, the features that embody the concept are all too familiar: paperwork, red tape, waiting periods, committees, paperwork. But this condition is not unique to tax and spend commies or those fast-talking Washington fat cats of the post-industrial period. No, bureaucracy has been plaguing civilization since long before Father of Sociology Max Weber first delineated its characteristics in his devastating book Wirtschaft und Gesellschaft, published posthumously in 1924. Observe:

Modern-day Dusseldorf, Germany. 205,000 B.C.E.
Chief Blorg: Vice Chief Thog, I instruct you to spear that hoofed creature and prepare his flesh for the feast.
Vice Chief Thog: Why do I always have to do it? Why can’t you do it?
Chief Blorg: Because I’m the Chief. I tell you what to do.
Vice Chief Thog: But you’re closer.
Chief Blorg: [Spears Thog]
Vice Chief Thog: Only now, with my death, do I realize that an automatic compliance with all rules would best ensure my career advancement and securityarghghghgh.
Chief Blorg: Let this be a lesson to all Germans!

Cairo. 1998 B.C.E.
King Mentuhotep III: Here are the plans for the pyramid tomb of my immortal soul for submission to the Bureau of Planning.
Secretary: Looks good, except you filled out the wrong form. Tomb of immortal soul plans need to be submitted on papyrus 12-B. You used stone tablet 12-B, which is used to reserve sarcophagus cleanings. Sorry.
King Mentuhotep III: But I’m going to die on Tuesday! What will become of my soul?
Secretary: Here’s some clay and a stylus; write a hieroglyphic message to someone who cares.

Rome. 81 C.E.
Emperor Domitian: All right, what’s next on the agenda…a lobby group from Gaul is pressuring us to adopt a numerical representation of the concept of zero.
Senator Marianus: Hold on…zero? I concede that lacking an iconic and conceptual understanding of an empty set is stifling our technological advancement, but do we really have the capital for zero right now?
Emperor Domitian: You are wise beyond your years, senator. Developing the infrastructure to accommodate zero would devastate the imperial fund. Jesus, just think of all the facades we’d have to recarve!
Senator Valerius: However, Emperor, the zero constituency has been very vocal, and this is an election year.
Emperor Domitian: Hmm, also a compelling argument.
Nubile, rose-lipped Senate intern Cornelius: If I may speak out of turn, Emperor, my estimates show that we can afford either zero or twelve additional public executions of disobedient Vestal Virgins per annum, but not both.
Emperor Domitian: Zero denied.

Tenochtitlan (modern-day Mexico City). 1519 C.E.
Doctor Tzitzimime: Glorious news, Moctezuma the Second, I’ve fashioned out of available roots and herbs a medicine that can cure all disease, including ones that we have no knowledge of!
Moctezuma: That’s fantastic! I’ll spread the news as soon as… Hold on. I forgot.
Doctor Tzitzimime: Forgot about what?
Moctezuma: Well, we’ve got the Aztec Drug Administration to contend with. ADA approval can take up to fifteen years. First there’s the animal testing, then the Augury Board, then the Medicine Man Union Committee…could be decades.
Doctor Tzitzimime: But our cities could fall prey to heretofore unknown pale-faced cowards, whom we have no reason to expect.
Moctezuma: Never fear. Any white intruders (of which we to date have no knowledge) would never get into our walls. Unless, of course, they have large exploding metal sticks, which, again, we don’t know about.

Washington, D.C. March 4, 1841.
Anna Harrison: How will you celebrate your inauguration, my love?
William Henry Harrison: All of my life I’ve wanted a mail-order stereoscope. I hear Charles Wheatstone’s newest invention is knocking the Yankees’ socks off up north. I just couldn’t justify the expense until now. All I need to do is fill out this form and…aw, horseradish. It can take up to 31 days for my order to be processed and mailed to the White House! I can’t wait that long.
Anna Harrison: Stop your complaining. You’ll live.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Michael Moore Decides to Run

August 1, 2004
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In a move that will certainly shake things up a bit in the upcoming presidential election, documentary filmmaker and left-wing activist Michael Moore has finally decided to go for a much-needed jog.

The incident comes as a surprise to many of the nation’s top Democrats. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) commented, “Shit, I didn’t even know Michael Moore had legs.”

Republicans such as Hell’s very own Bill O’Reilly applauded the event, hilariously noting, “It will be nice to have less of Moore.” A man in Feldspar, Ohio then laughed.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Top Ten Signs You Aren’t in Oscar Contention

August 1, 2004
  1. You played a retarded guy, but it was a documentary
  2. Your credit: “Assistant to Mr. Top”
  3. The title of your movie replaces a word that sounds like “monkey” with the word “monkey”
  4. “Man’s Head Exploding” flipbook not technically a movie
  5. Despite the widespread popularity of your movie, you’re still R. Kelly
  6. There is more than one X in the title of your movie
  7. Any films in which you’ve appeared have been recorded by convenience store surveillance cameras
  8. Your last name ends in “-ayans”
  9. Reviews describe you as “acne-scarred”
  10. Your production company is named “Miramaxish”