Eric Hill, a gay Berkeley freshman, is planning to pretend to pass out at a fraternity party in the hope that he will be teabagged.
Fraternity members are infamous for pranking people who pass out from alcohol intoxication by doing something degrading to them, usually of a homosexual nature. Conveniently, Hill loves the taste of scrotum.
Hill’s last attempt at getting some nuts in his mouth ended in failure. He was left with nothing but a crude penis drawn on his face with a Sharpie, a mocking testament to his failure.
After watching the fallout of the 2004 election, the _Squelch editorial staff realized that the opinions of the California voters just don’t matter. So, in the spirit of meaningless political dribble, here are the Squelch‘s endorsements for state referenda of the future._
Year: 2006
Proposition 104: Fair Share for Indians GAA YES
This bill is that one what gives them lousy red-faced dice-rolling firewater drinkers a fair share of my fist.
Year: 2008
Proposition 35: Extend Sports Metaphors Further Into the Criminal Justice System GAA YES
This will extend the Three Strikes law into other areas, creating the infield fly rule for corporate governance, the hat-trick rule for abortion rights, and the 40-love rule for stem cell harvesting.
Year: 2010
Proposition 94: Re-re-re-re-re-legalize Gay Marriage GAA YES
We feel that gay citizens should enjoy the same legal rights and protections as their straight counterparts, at least for the 36 hours before this proposition is overturned.
Year: 2012
Proposition 228B: Indecent Proposition GAA NO, to save our relationship.
California needed the money, but how low would the state go to get it? He said it would be for one night only. He said he’d never come back.
He lied.
Year: 2014
Proposition 45: Stop Using Humans to Cure Stem Cells GAA NO
Year: 2016
Proposition 36: Outlaw Gaelic Marriage GAA YES
The Jesus-thumping conservatives might have gone a little too far on this one, but who are we to put them in their place?
Year: 2020
Proposition 79: Stop Resurrecting Reagan with Stem Cells GAA NO
Year: Jesus2 + 3
Proposition 117: Allocate $48 Billion to Treat Victims of Cell Phone Cancer GAA YES
Dear Heirs and Heiresses,
Thank you for coming to the reading of my will. My lawyer, Bill Edmonds, will be conducting the reading, and is legally obliged to read every word. Since I never liked Bill: shitsucker! I, Bill Edmonds, suck my own nipples! Jshsdnfw8sdffs!
I am unaware as to how I have died. If all has gone according to plan, I died in church, along with hundreds of other parishioners and much of the surrounding neighborhood. I hope to enter heaven in the ensuing confusion. If this fails and I cling to life, I intend to blow myself up after collecting all my family, creditors, and friends into a single room. If this is the case: go ahead and push the button, Bill.
No doubt you are wondering who will receive my $50 million fortune. I won’t leave you in suspense. I am leaving my entire fortune to Bill Edmonds…is a faggy fag. Ha ha! Suck it again, Edmonds! No, in fact my fortune will be left to whoever can multiply 34 by 98 the fastest. Go!
The answer is indeed 3,332. No doubt it’s my nerdy brother who answered first. Richard, you do not receive my money. You receive my collection of rare poisons and expensive wines. Unfortunately, you do not receive the labels. Please leave in the next few minutes or you will also receive my scary ghost collection.
On the subject of my funeral. I like the idea of a viking funeral: a longboat set on fire and pushed down the river. I would also like to be simultaneously cryogenically frozen. Get a shitload of priests for the ceremony, too. Have them fight it out. The winner probably has the right god. I’ve always been partial to Methodists, so slip him a blackjack and a wink. There should also be a choir of golden-voiced eunuchs, freshly gelded only.
My funeral should not be a sad affair. Smiles, all the time! Cameras will be monitoring! And wear clown suits! Smiles even when you’re eating the stuffed canapes, which are stuffed with chili powder and my ashes. I would like the priest to read from the Book of Genesis, only with my name inserted for God. Please applaud at appropriate points. And everyone better give my rotting corpse a big fat kiss, if they want a shot at the Picassos I haven’t already used as toilet paper.
In reality, my vast fortune will go to whoever completes a long series of mental and physical tests, each designed to everyone raise their hand now! Last one up has to leave! Now switch seats, touch your toes, jumping jacks, touch your nose! Last five to finish, leave. However, you all have the option of receiving a pound of solid gold GAA solid gold cast in the shape of violent child pornography. Your call.
A few specific bequests: to my wife, Linda, all the money you want, provided that all the implants I paid for are buried with me. They’re mine. To each of my feuding sons, Harold and Gerald, I bequeath half of a check for fifteen million dollars. However, they are not halves to each other. To Bill, a video of me doing either a very well-made-up actress or his wife. Who is it, Bill, who is it?
The rest of my fabulous fortune I leave to my beloved friend. He or she will know who he or she is, and can claim the fortune as his or her own.
Thank you, and Bill bones dogs,
Michael Spaden III
11/15/04
Most people think of Dr. Seuss as the lovable children’s author. Because of this, we’ve put together a collection of his most famous works and annotated them with informative notes writen by scholars named me. Also included in this exclusive look at Dr. Seuss’s greatest accomplishments is an excerpt from a rough draft of his most popular work, The Cat in the Hat. Enjoy!
The Cat in the Hat
This a chilling tale exploring the utter isolation and disillusionment of a generation of fatherless latch-key kids raised by imaginary cats.
And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street
Seuss’s first published children’s novel captivated readers with an imaginative romp, covering everything incredible, from zebras to airplanes to Chinese men eating with sticks.
The Sneetches
Everybody remembers the fantastical, star-studded shenanigans of the Sneetches. What they don’t remember is the Holocaust. This story was written to remind people of that.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
This classic tale of how a stone-hearted curmudgeon was turned through the magical Christmas spirit of the less-fortunate is the most original story ever written.
Green Eggs and Ham
A little-known fact: Dr. Seuss never did get around to eating green eggs and ham himself. He did eat potatoes and sausage, though he never fully enjoyed them.
The Cat in the Hat Goes to Jail
“Hooray!” said the Cat.
“Let’s do something new!”
And with a snap and a clap
Out popped Thing One
And Thing Two.
What zany, what crazy,
What lazy good fun!
Thing One was a bag
Thing Two was a gun!
“Clickity-clack, ” said he,
“Bringity-ding-ding!
Watch what I do
With your mother’s ear-rings!”
And with that he dropped
Into his great sack
My mother’s great treasures
And my father’s great plaque.
“So there, fair children,
I bid you Adieu!”
And out the door
Went he, Thing One
And Thing Two!
That’s when he got arrested.
A growing problem among young girls in the U.S. is their tendency to set low goals for themselves. The seeds of underachievement can take root in little girls as young as three or four and can often be seen in their games of pretend. We’ve provided you with a few sample scenarios to be on the lookout for.
Princess
Suzy: Okay, you’re gonna be the beautiful princess that everybody loves, and I get to be her maid, who wears stinky, ugly dresses and sweeps all day long and cries because no one loves her.
Becky: Not again! Why do I gotta be the princess!?!
Suzy: ‘Cause it’s my house and Mommy says I can do whatever I want. Now you go wait for Prince Charming while I go wash the King’s socks. In the moat. Filled with my tears.
Girlfriend
Suzy: Happy Valentine’s Day, Johnny! I baked you a dozen cookies!
Johnny: [Looks in heart-shaped tin] Oatmeal raisin?
Suzy: I’m so sorry! I’m a terrible girlfriend!
Johnny: Becky always made me snickerdoodles.
[Pause]
Suzy: Want me to touch your foo-foo?
Mommy
Suzy: [Holds doll, shakes finger furiously at it] I can’t believe you, Baby! If it wasn’t for you, Daddy would have loved me and married me and we’d have lived happily ever after! [Sits doll in high chair] Well Missy, whaddaya have to say for yourself?
Doll: [Remains motionless]
Suzy: [Under breath] Mommy needs another Camel Wight.
Superwoman
Suzy: Oh no! There’s a big fire in Kalamazoo and everyone’s going to die unless I go right now and save the day!
Becky: Too late. My boyfriend already took care of it.
Suzy: [Sighs] Can I be Lois now?
House
Suzy: How was your day, honey?
Johnny: Great! I made 23 cents more than you did!
Suzy: Wow! How can I make more money?
Johnny: You can’t.
Suzy: …
Johnny: [Hands Suzy a quarter] Here, go treat yourself to a pretty pink gumball.
Suzy: Johnny, you know I’m watching my carbs!
Doctor
Suzy: My turn!
Johnny: Girls can’t be doctors!
Suzy: Why not?
Johnny: ‘Cause you have to know math and science and stuff.
Suzy: That sounds hard. [Pause] But I can marry a doctor!
Johnny: Suzy, you and I are just friends. Now get back on the gurney.
Hopefully after reading this guide, you do not recall seeing your own daughter playing any similar games. But in the case that you have, understand that starting a college fund may not necessarily be your top priority. In fact, it’s probably a better idea to simply cash in those savings bonds now and buy yourself something nice. Like a Colt .45. Or a son.
I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This qualifies me for registration with the Disabled Students Program (DSP), which is the office that organizes academic accommodations like Extended Time Testing (ETT) and Note Taking Assistance (NTA) for students with Documented Learning Disabilities (TARDS). Because of my involvement with this program, I have often been persecuted by the students and faculty of this university by being granted accommodations I don’t deserve. Observe:
Taking Attendance
GSI: Brown, Joseph.
Joseph: Here.
GSI: Brownstein, Aaron.
Me: Here.
GSI: Oh, this says you’re DSP. Do you want extra time on the exams?
Me: I qualify for some extended time, yes.
GSI: What about a note taker? Do you need a note taker?
Me: I don’t really need that, but thanks.
GSI: Would you like a backrub?
Me: Uh, I don’t think that’s GAA
GSI: Can I titty-fuck you?
Keys I
DSP Counselor: Okay, I’m going to be giving you keys to all the special facilities you’ll need to access.
Me: Okay.
DSP Counselor: Here’s the key to your distraction-free private testing room. It’s brand new and totally soundproof. The only downside is that there wasn’t anything available on campus. You’ll find it on Durant.
Me: This key says “Porsche.”
DSP Counselor: And here’s another key for the Club on the steering wheel.
In Theater Class
Professor: Okay Aaron, what monologue are you going to do for us today?
Me: I’m playing Hamlet.
Professor: I think that’s a bit advanced for you.
Me: Then I’ll do Biff from Death of a Salesman.
Professor: Look, you’re DSP…
Me: [Sighs] Okay, I’ll do the big-cock scene from Boogie Nights, again.
Professor: Attaboy.
Keys II
DSP Counselor: And here’s your key to the Disabled Washroom.
Me: Wait, aren’t there wheelchair-accessible restrooms all over campus?
DSP Counselor: Yeah, but this one has quilted toilet paper.
Me: What learning disability is that for?
DSP Counselor: Hemophilia.
Me: Eew.
Swim Team Tryouts
Me: I’m here to try out for the team.
Coach: Well, you’re DSP, and it’s pretty hard to swim in a wheelchair…
Me: I don’t have a wheelchair.
Coach: Also, this is the women’s team. Men’s tryouts are tomorrow.
Me: Oh. Okay.
Team Member: Oh my god! You’re disabled and trying out for the swim team? That’s SOOO brave! Can I titty-fuck you?
Me: Actually, I just have ADD.
Team Member: Oh, okay. Never mind.
Me: …ADD of the spine.
Keys III
DSP Counselor: This last key is for GAA
Me: No, wait, let me guess. It’s for a hidden room in the Asian-American Studies building that serves as a free dry cleaner’s and opium den.
DSP Counselor: Actually GAA
Me: Or maybe it’s the top secret Department of Glory Hole Studies.
DSP Counselor: Well GAA
Me: Or maybe it unlocks the secret of eternal life! That’s it, isn’t it? Does that key unlock the door to the fountain of youth?!
DSP Counselor: No, no, of course not. You were right the first time.
Academic Problems
Dean of Students: Okay, you’ve failed most of your classes here at Cal. I’m afraid we have no other choice. You have been expelled from the University of California, Berkeley.
Me: Wait! I’m DSP! Doesn’t that count for anything?!
Dean of Students: Oh! Why didn’t you say so before? I’m terribly sorry! YOU…HAVE…BEEN…EXPELLED…
Famed singer Morrissey, formerly of The Smiths, has written a song containing neither irony nor sarcasm. The new single, slated to kick off his forthcoming album, is called “I Actually Drive a Jaguar” and should hit radio airwaves in late November.
When asked about the track, Morrissey said, “I don’t always have to be spiteful and depressed. Sometimes it’s just nice to do something different.” Immediately after the interview was published, Smiths fans all over the world gathered together and crowded into Jaguar dealerships to mope about being all alone.
A promo copy of the song includes such lyrics as “I drive a Jaguar and I live in Malibu. I’m rich, rich, rich. Sooooooooo sad…to not be rich, rich, rich like meeee.”
For the fourth consecutive month, eight hundred anytime minutes with free calling after nine and on weekends proved too minuscule a plan for deaf-mute Keith Bagley’s gregarious lifestyle.
Though Keith cannot talk or hear, he still spends much of his free time pushing the cell phone’s buttons, throwing the phone to the ground, and kicking it up and down the street.
Keith’s mother, Meredith Bagley, has tried several times to take the phone away from Keith, but he protests by yelling “DAAAAAAP” at a deafening volume, pressing numerous buttons, and kicking his phone up and down the street.
Nancy Bagley, Keith’s grandmother, has been the victim of several of his phone calls but doesn’t mind receiving them: “The sound of the phone grinding along the ground while Keith yells ‘DAAAAAAAP’ in the background is actually quite soothing. I’m very lonely.”
Keith has incurred an extra fifty-cent fee per overtime minute for being friendless.
