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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 14- Issue 3

Top Ten Rabbinical Pickup Lines

November 1, 2004
  1. “I’m gonna make sure that your bat mitzvah is one to remember.”
  2. “Do you like bondage? By the way, I’m a rabbi.”
  3. “I like my pussy like I like my matzo: free of yeast.”
  4. “I’d take you to Palestine for our honeymoon, but it doesn’t exist.”
  5. “You’re gonna be burning for eight days when I’m done with you.”
  6. “Are you Israeli? Because your ass Israeli making me horny.”
  7. “Kosher? I barely knew her.”
  8. “Is that a shofar in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”
  9. “You remind me of my mother.”
  10. “I’ll show you why this night is different from all other nights.”
Volume 14- Issue 3

Top Ten Hobbies of Meth-addicted Grannies

November 1, 2004
  1. Chasing Bob Barker’s car
  2. After riding bus everywhere, flipping it over
  3. Driving the speed limit
  4. Pinching cheek right off baby
  5. Answering every Jeopardy! question with “Where is meth?”
  6. Buying roughly usual amount of Sudafed
  7. Remembering FDR, while taking meth
  8. Writing illegible birthday cards
  9. Clipping meth coupons
  10. Turbo knitting
Volume 14- Issue 3

Jim Caviezel Asks for It

November 1, 2004
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According to Internet rumor mills, renowned film star Jim Caviezel is in negotiations to play the title role in Warner Brothers’ upcoming Superman Returns. Caviezel, who also played the title role in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, is looking forward to being the only actor in Hollywood to have portrayed both Jesus and Superman in the span of a career.

“My dick is SO HUGE!” said Caviezel. “I mean…it’s like…okay, you know those big oil drums?”

However, some critics say that Caviezel, who was struck by lightning twice while playing the Son of God, is just asking for trouble in playing the Last Son of Krypton as well. “George Reeves played Superman GAA a hero impervious to bullets GAA in the 1952 television series, and he was shot to death,” said film historian Leonard Maltin. “And after Christopher Reeve played Superman GAA a hero impervious to horse-fall-induced spinal cord injuries GAA he died of a heart attack. Jim’s basically saying, ‘Hey Fate! Wanna do something really fucking ironic?'”

Maltin predicts that Caviezel will either be crucified by a speeding bullet but live forever, fall off a tall building and drown in a pool of water that used to be wine, or be crushed by a locomotive more powerful than he after eating five thousand poor people.

Volume 14- Issue 3

From the Desk of Michael Spaden III

November 1, 2004
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Dear Heirs and Heiresses,

Thank you for coming to the reading of my will. My lawyer, Bill Edmonds, will be conducting the reading, and is legally obliged to read every word. Since I never liked Bill: shitsucker! I, Bill Edmonds, suck my own nipples! Jshsdnfw8sdffs!

I am unaware as to how I have died. If all has gone according to plan, I died in church, along with hundreds of other parishioners and much of the surrounding neighborhood. I hope to enter heaven in the ensuing confusion. If this fails and I cling to life, I intend to blow myself up after collecting all my family, creditors, and friends into a single room. If this is the case: go ahead and push the button, Bill.

No doubt you are wondering who will receive my $50 million fortune. I won’t leave you in suspense. I am leaving my entire fortune to Bill Edmonds…is a faggy fag. Ha ha! Suck it again, Edmonds! No, in fact my fortune will be left to whoever can multiply 34 by 98 the fastest. Go!

The answer is indeed 3,332. No doubt it’s my nerdy brother who answered first. Richard, you do not receive my money. You receive my collection of rare poisons and expensive wines. Unfortunately, you do not receive the labels. Please leave in the next few minutes or you will also receive my scary ghost collection.

On the subject of my funeral. I like the idea of a viking funeral: a longboat set on fire and pushed down the river. I would also like to be simultaneously cryogenically frozen. Get a shitload of priests for the ceremony, too. Have them fight it out. The winner probably has the right god. I’ve always been partial to Methodists, so slip him a blackjack and a wink. There should also be a choir of golden-voiced eunuchs, freshly gelded only.

My funeral should not be a sad affair. Smiles, all the time! Cameras will be monitoring! And wear clown suits! Smiles even when you’re eating the stuffed canapes, which are stuffed with chili powder and my ashes. I would like the priest to read from the Book of Genesis, only with my name inserted for God. Please applaud at appropriate points. And everyone better give my rotting corpse a big fat kiss, if they want a shot at the Picassos I haven’t already used as toilet paper.

In reality, my vast fortune will go to whoever completes a long series of mental and physical tests, each designed to everyone raise their hand now! Last one up has to leave! Now switch seats, touch your toes, jumping jacks, touch your nose! Last five to finish, leave. However, you all have the option of receiving a pound of solid gold GAA solid gold cast in the shape of violent child pornography. Your call.

A few specific bequests: to my wife, Linda, all the money you want, provided that all the implants I paid for are buried with me. They’re mine. To each of my feuding sons, Harold and Gerald, I bequeath half of a check for fifteen million dollars. However, they are not halves to each other. To Bill, a video of me doing either a very well-made-up actress or his wife. Who is it, Bill, who is it?

The rest of my fabulous fortune I leave to my beloved friend. He or she will know who he or she is, and can claim the fortune as his or her own.

Thank you, and Bill bones dogs,

Michael Spaden III
11/15/04

Volume 14- Issue 3

Morrissey to Not Use Sarcasm

November 1, 2004
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Famed singer Morrissey, formerly of The Smiths, has written a song containing neither irony nor sarcasm. The new single, slated to kick off his forthcoming album, is called “I Actually Drive a Jaguar” and should hit radio airwaves in late November.

When asked about the track, Morrissey said, “I don’t always have to be spiteful and depressed. Sometimes it’s just nice to do something different.” Immediately after the interview was published, Smiths fans all over the world gathered together and crowded into Jaguar dealerships to mope about being all alone.

A promo copy of the song includes such lyrics as “I drive a Jaguar and I live in Malibu. I’m rich, rich, rich. Sooooooooo sad…to not be rich, rich, rich like meeee.”

Volume 14- Issue 3

Architecture Building Collapses

November 1, 2004
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In a shocking and ironic turn of events, Wurster Hall, famous for its training of the architects of tomorrow, collapsed today. The colossal gray building, deemed “goddamned hideous” by countless passersby, simply caved in on itself at 5:42 a.m., crushing thousands of adorable puppies and architecture students. Rescue workers cited shoddy design as a cause, and commented, “Holy shit, there’s your irony right there.”

“That building is the classical Greek tragic figure,” sobbed an English major who was present at the time of the collapse. “Once again, our hubris has destroyed us. We have made our Tower of Babel, and God has toppled it as a jarring reminder that we are flawed mortals whose pride in creating such a masterwork has led to our demise.” He then left to go write a paper about it or something.

Volume 14- Issue 3

Sports for the Deadbeat Dad

November 1, 2004
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Studies have shown and sitcoms agree that the most important thing a father can do is pressure his children to play sports. But what if you don’t have time for that shit?

72% GAA forging McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces
21% GAA hiding from son
11% GAA attempting to pay child support with forged Monopoly game pieces
2% GAA time with son
5% GAA waiting for that episode of _Walker, Texas Ranger where he fights a bear to air again_

So with only 25 hours in the day, and over 111% of those hours already committed, you see that it’s very hard to fit in time for sports, especially when those Monopoly game pieces are no longer limited to 15 per customer per day.

Don’t want to waste your time playing catch? Tell your kid you won’t play unless he takes responsibility for his sports equipment, then demand that he inflate a baseball. When he says he can’t, just shake your head in disappointment and start drinking in front of him until he goes inside.

Don’t want to play touch football? Convince him that he doesn’t exist, prompting a philosophical crisis and never-ending depression. Or hide the football.

Don’t want to shoot hoops with him? Say you’re going out for cigarettes and then leave home for six and a half years.

Now eventually, you may actually be forced to devote some time to sports with your son (thank you very much, Lower District Court of California!), but don’t worry, you can weasel out of that too.

Here are some sports activities that let you spend time with your son without having to do any work:

  • Watching other children play sports.

  • Getting Daddy a beer.

  • Reenacting famous sports moments like the 1994 World Series or the 2002 “Congressional Hearings on Steroid Abuse in Baseball and Watching Daddy Sleep.”

  • Getting Daddy another beer.

  • Taping your son’s hands to the back of the car, then driving around for a few hours.

  • Drawing pictures of imaginary sports stars with imaginary pens on imaginary paper while watching TV.

  • “Quarters.”

Tip: You can get away with having your son play uninteresting sports if you put extra pressure on him.

Son: But Dad! I don’t want to play Hungry Hungry Hippos for six more hours!
Dad: Son, I didn’t want to have to tell you this. But if your hippo doesn’t eat those marbles fast enough, I’m going to die and no one will ever love you again.
Son: Wait, but how GAA
Dad: [clutching chest] Ugggg, I don’t hear those hippos!

Dilemma: You want to wean him off more traditional sports.

Son: Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a basketball player!
Dad: Oh, so you like smoking pot and raping women, huh? Besides, you’re too short, you’re only five feet tall.
Son: But I’m only nine. I can still grow.
Dad: Not likely with all that pot stunting your hormones.
Son: But I don’t smoke!
Dad: Yeah, whatever you say, Captain McRapesAndSmokes.
Son: [sobbing] This is the worst parent-teacher conference ever!

Tip: If all else fails, think Misery and Tonya Harding.

Son: Dad! There’s a scout from the expensive high school who wants to recruit me for track and field! Help me practice.
Dad: That’s great, son. Let me just get my coat from the closet, then I’ll GAA
[Closet opens; man in ski mask emerges and breaks son’s legs with 26 lead pipe strikes]
Dad: Whoops! I forgot that guy was in there.
Son: Oh, it hurts, my legs are ruined! Well, thank God my hands are okay. At least I can still get into the school on a piano scholarship.
Dad: Let me just get my other coat…

Volume 14- Issue 3

Squelch Endorsements of the Future

November 1, 2004

After watching the fallout of the 2004 election, the _Squelch editorial staff realized that the opinions of the California voters just don’t matter. So, in the spirit of meaningless political dribble, here are the Squelch‘s endorsements for state referenda of the future._

Year: 2006

Proposition 104: Fair Share for Indians GAA YES

This bill is that one what gives them lousy red-faced dice-rolling firewater drinkers a fair share of my fist.

Year: 2008

Proposition 35: Extend Sports Metaphors Further Into the Criminal Justice System GAA YES

This will extend the Three Strikes law into other areas, creating the infield fly rule for corporate governance, the hat-trick rule for abortion rights, and the 40-love rule for stem cell harvesting.

Year: 2010

Proposition 94: Re-re-re-re-re-legalize Gay Marriage GAA YES

We feel that gay citizens should enjoy the same legal rights and protections as their straight counterparts, at least for the 36 hours before this proposition is overturned.

Year: 2012

Proposition 228B: Indecent Proposition GAA NO, to save our relationship.

California needed the money, but how low would the state go to get it? He said it would be for one night only. He said he’d never come back.

He lied.

Year: 2014

Proposition 45: Stop Using Humans to Cure Stem Cells GAA NO

Year: 2016

Proposition 36: Outlaw Gaelic Marriage GAA YES

The Jesus-thumping conservatives might have gone a little too far on this one, but who are we to put them in their place?

Year: 2020

Proposition 79: Stop Resurrecting Reagan with Stem Cells GAA NO

Year: Jesus2 + 3

Proposition 117: Allocate $48 Billion to Treat Victims of Cell Phone Cancer GAA YES