Studies have shown and sitcoms agree that the most important thing a father can do is pressure his children to play sports. But what if you don’t have time for that shit?

72% GAA forging McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces
21% GAA hiding from son
11% GAA attempting to pay child support with forged Monopoly game pieces
2% GAA time with son
5% GAA waiting for that episode of _Walker, Texas Ranger where he fights a bear to air again_

So with only 25 hours in the day, and over 111% of those hours already committed, you see that it’s very hard to fit in time for sports, especially when those Monopoly game pieces are no longer limited to 15 per customer per day.

Don’t want to waste your time playing catch? Tell your kid you won’t play unless he takes responsibility for his sports equipment, then demand that he inflate a baseball. When he says he can’t, just shake your head in disappointment and start drinking in front of him until he goes inside.

Don’t want to play touch football? Convince him that he doesn’t exist, prompting a philosophical crisis and never-ending depression. Or hide the football.

Don’t want to shoot hoops with him? Say you’re going out for cigarettes and then leave home for six and a half years.

Now eventually, you may actually be forced to devote some time to sports with your son (thank you very much, Lower District Court of California!), but don’t worry, you can weasel out of that too.

Here are some sports activities that let you spend time with your son without having to do any work:

Watching other children play sports.
Getting Daddy a beer.
Reenacting famous sports moments like the 1994 World Series or the 2002 “Congressional Hearings on Steroid Abuse in Baseball and Watching Daddy Sleep.”
Getting Daddy another beer.
Taping your son’s hands to the back of the car, then driving around for a few hours.
Drawing pictures of imaginary sports stars with imaginary pens on imaginary paper while watching TV.
“Quarters.”

Tip: You can get away with having your son play uninteresting sports if you put extra pressure on him.

Son: But Dad! I don’t want to play Hungry Hungry Hippos for six more hours!
Dad: Son, I didn’t want to have to tell you this. But if your hippo doesn’t eat those marbles fast enough, I’m going to die and no one will ever love you again.
Son: Wait, but how GAA
Dad: [clutching chest] Ugggg, I don’t hear those hippos!

Dilemma: You want to wean him off more traditional sports.

Son: Dad, when I grow up, I want to be a basketball player!
Dad: Oh, so you like smoking pot and raping women, huh? Besides, you’re too short, you’re only five feet tall.
Son: But I’m only nine. I can still grow.
Dad: Not likely with all that pot stunting your hormones.
Son: But I don’t smoke!
Dad: Yeah, whatever you say, Captain McRapesAndSmokes.
Son: [sobbing] This is the worst parent-teacher conference ever!

Tip: If all else fails, think Misery and Tonya Harding.

Son: Dad! There’s a scout from the expensive high school who wants to recruit me for track and field! Help me practice.
Dad: That’s great, son. Let me just get my coat from the closet, then I’ll GAA
[Closet opens; man in ski mask emerges and breaks son’s legs with 26 lead pipe strikes]
Dad: Whoops! I forgot that guy was in there.
Son: Oh, it hurts, my legs are ruined! Well, thank God my hands are okay. At least I can still get into the school on a piano scholarship.
Dad: Let me just get my other coat…

Volume 14- Issue 3

The Seminal Works of Dr. Seuss

November 1, 2004

feature, Mark Thomas

Most people think of Dr. Seuss as the lovable children’s author. Because of this, we’ve put together a collection of his most famous works and annotated them with informative notes writen by scholars named me. Also included in this exclusive look at Dr. Seuss’s greatest accomplishments is an excerpt from a rough draft of his most popular work, The Cat in the Hat. Enjoy!

The Cat in the Hat

This a chilling tale exploring the utter isolation and disillusionment of a generation of fatherless latch-key kids raised by imaginary cats.

And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street

Seuss’s first published children’s novel captivated readers with an imaginative romp, covering everything incredible, from zebras to airplanes to Chinese men eating with sticks.

The Sneetches

Everybody remembers the fantastical, star-studded shenanigans of the Sneetches. What they don’t remember is the Holocaust. This story was written to remind people of that.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

This classic tale of how a stone-hearted curmudgeon was turned through the magical Christmas spirit of the less-fortunate is the most original story ever written.

Green Eggs and Ham

A little-known fact: Dr. Seuss never did get around to eating green eggs and ham himself. He did eat potatoes and sausage, though he never fully enjoyed them.

The Cat in the Hat Goes to Jail

“Hooray!” said the Cat.
“Let’s do something new!”
And with a snap and a clap
Out popped Thing One
And Thing Two.

What zany, what crazy,
What lazy good fun!
Thing One was a bag
Thing Two was a gun!

“Clickity-clack, ” said he,
“Bringity-ding-ding!
Watch what I do
With your mother’s ear-rings!”

And with that he dropped
Into his great sack
My mother’s great treasures
And my father’s great plaque.

“So there, fair children,
I bid you Adieu!”
And out the door
Went he, Thing One
And Thing Two!

That’s when he got arrested.

Volume 14- Issue 3

Squelch Endorsements of the Future

November 1, 2004

feature

After watching the fallout of the 2004 election, the _Squelch editorial staff realized that the opinions of the California voters just don’t matter. So, in the spirit of meaningless political dribble, here are the Squelch‘s endorsements for state referenda of the future._

Year: 2006

Proposition 104: Fair Share for Indians GAA YES

This bill is that one what gives them lousy red-faced dice-rolling firewater drinkers a fair share of my fist.

Year: 2008

Proposition 35: Extend Sports Metaphors Further Into the Criminal Justice System GAA YES

This will extend the Three Strikes law into other areas, creating the infield fly rule for corporate governance, the hat-trick rule for abortion rights, and the 40-love rule for stem cell harvesting.

Year: 2010

Proposition 94: Re-re-re-re-re-legalize Gay Marriage GAA YES

We feel that gay citizens should enjoy the same legal rights and protections as their straight counterparts, at least for the 36 hours before this proposition is overturned.

Year: 2012

Proposition 228B: Indecent Proposition GAA NO, to save our relationship.

California needed the money, but how low would the state go to get it? He said it would be for one night only. He said he’d never come back.

He lied.

Year: 2014

Proposition 45: Stop Using Humans to Cure Stem Cells GAA NO

Year: 2016

Proposition 36: Outlaw Gaelic Marriage GAA YES

The Jesus-thumping conservatives might have gone a little too far on this one, but who are we to put them in their place?

Year: 2020

Proposition 79: Stop Resurrecting Reagan with Stem Cells GAA NO

Year: Jesus2 + 3

Proposition 117: Allocate $48 Billion to Treat Victims of Cell Phone Cancer GAA YES

Volume 14- Issue 3

A Parent’s Guide to Your Daughter’s Future

November 1, 2004

Cassie Wu, feature, Serra Bozeman

A growing problem among young girls in the U.S. is their tendency to set low goals for themselves. The seeds of underachievement can take root in little girls as young as three or four and can often be seen in their games of pretend. We’ve provided you with a few sample scenarios to be on the lookout for.

Princess

Suzy: Okay, you’re gonna be the beautiful princess that everybody loves, and I get to be her maid, who wears stinky, ugly dresses and sweeps all day long and cries because no one loves her.
Becky: Not again! Why do I gotta be the princess!?!
Suzy: ‘Cause it’s my house and Mommy says I can do whatever I want. Now you go wait for Prince Charming while I go wash the King’s socks. In the moat. Filled with my tears.

Girlfriend

Suzy: Happy Valentine’s Day, Johnny! I baked you a dozen cookies!
Johnny: [Looks in heart-shaped tin] Oatmeal raisin?
Suzy: I’m so sorry! I’m a terrible girlfriend!
Johnny: Becky always made me snickerdoodles.
[Pause]
Suzy: Want me to touch your foo-foo?

Mommy

Suzy: [Holds doll, shakes finger furiously at it] I can’t believe you, Baby! If it wasn’t for you, Daddy would have loved me and married me and we’d have lived happily ever after! [Sits doll in high chair] Well Missy, whaddaya have to say for yourself?
Doll: [Remains motionless]
Suzy: [Under breath] Mommy needs another Camel Wight.

Superwoman

Suzy: Oh no! There’s a big fire in Kalamazoo and everyone’s going to die unless I go right now and save the day!
Becky: Too late. My boyfriend already took care of it.
Suzy: [Sighs] Can I be Lois now?

House

Suzy: How was your day, honey?
Johnny: Great! I made 23 cents more than you did!
Suzy: Wow! How can I make more money?
Johnny: You can’t.
Suzy: …
Johnny: [Hands Suzy a quarter] Here, go treat yourself to a pretty pink gumball.
Suzy: Johnny, you know I’m watching my carbs!

Doctor

Suzy: My turn!
Johnny: Girls can’t be doctors!
Suzy: Why not?
Johnny: ‘Cause you have to know math and science and stuff.
Suzy: That sounds hard. [Pause] But I can marry a doctor!
Johnny: Suzy, you and I are just friends. Now get back on the gurney.

Hopefully after reading this guide, you do not recall seeing your own daughter playing any similar games. But in the case that you have, understand that starting a college fund may not necessarily be your top priority. In fact, it’s probably a better idea to simply cash in those savings bonds now and buy yourself something nice. Like a Colt .45. Or a son.

Volume 14- Issue 3

Words from the Top

An Above Average Guy

November 1, 2004

feature, Mark Thomas, Matt Loker

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty good at receiving blowjobs. I mean that in the sense that if we were both getting blowjobs, I’d not only win, I’d embarrass you in the process. I’ve always had special talents like that. When I was six I found out I was great at receiving blood transfusions. But I discovered that only after learning how much scotch and cars were in love with my dad.

Of course I’m better at receiving blowjobs: my senses are just more acute than yours. My hearing is ten times bigger and my sense of smell is three-and-a-half inches longer than yours, not to mention double-jointed. It’s a simple matter of fact, then, that while I succeed at listening to the sweet song of a summer flower, you inevitably and continuously fail.

It’s not like I’m claiming to be the greatest guy in the world; I’m just really good at everyday things. My vote counted a little bit more than yours, but only because I live in double-Florida. I can type sixty words a minute, given three minutes to type that phrase. I’m really good at knowing when people are calling me, which you’re just jealous of because I can swallow more phones than you.

I also once got oral herpes, which isn’t all that amazing, except that I got it from a handjob.

As a top-shelf kind of guy, I like the finer things in life. I like my fine imported beers ice-cold, and my ice to taste like warm Schlitz. I like to have more than anyone else, which is great when it comes to all my caviar, but not so great when you consider all the extra teeth I had surgically added just to eat it all.

Sure, a lot of people call me average, but I never pay them much mind because even though their words come in huge and clear, I’m usually too busy averaging your mom to notice.

Volume 14- Issue 3

Deaf-mute Goes Over Cell Phone Minutes

November 1, 2004

Danny Marshall, newsflash

For the fourth consecutive month, eight hundred anytime minutes with free calling after nine and on weekends proved too minuscule a plan for deaf-mute Keith Bagley’s gregarious lifestyle.

Though Keith cannot talk or hear, he still spends much of his free time pushing the cell phone’s buttons, throwing the phone to the ground, and kicking it up and down the street.

Keith’s mother, Meredith Bagley, has tried several times to take the phone away from Keith, but he protests by yelling “DAAAAAAP” at a deafening volume, pressing numerous buttons, and kicking his phone up and down the street.

Nancy Bagley, Keith’s grandmother, has been the victim of several of his phone calls but doesn’t mind receiving them: “The sound of the phone grinding along the ground while Keith yells ‘DAAAAAAAP’ in the background is actually quite soothing. I’m very lonely.”

Keith has incurred an extra fifty-cent fee per overtime minute for being friendless.

Volume 14- Issue 3

A Day in the Life of Ma-ti

Planeteer with the Power of Heart

November 1, 2004

feature, Spencer Gilbert

Power Assignment Meeting

Captain Planet: So we’ve got the four main elements covered and assigned to the proper ethnic stereotype, but what is it that Indians do again?
Gaia: Dot Indian or Feather Indian?
Captain Planet: Umm, dot, I guess.
Gaia: Oh, they can hold their breath forever.
Captain Planet: Really? Every Indian?
Gaia: Yup.

Power Assignment Meeting (continued)

Gaia: Let’s see, we’ve got an American, an African, a Russian, an Asian, and a Latino GAA
Captain Planet: Whoa, whoa, wait a sec, we can’t have two Latinos on the same team!
Gaia: But who’s the other GAA
Captain Planet: …
Gaia: …
Captain Planet: Look over there! [Returns as energy into the rings]

Break Room

Wheeler: My ring controls the power of fire. What does yours do?
Ma-ti: Well, so far I’ve found that animals will generally do my bidding.
[Goat enters]
Wheeler: Really? So, like, for example, you could make that goat sit still for two to three minutes?
Ma-ti: Sure, I guess.
Wheeler: [Unzips pants] Great! Do it or I burn you.

On the Job

Looten Plunder: I’m going to get you, do-gooder!
Ma-ti: Power of Heart, soothe my enemies!
Looten Plunder: …
Ma-ti: Wait…shit…you aren’t an animal, are you?
Looten Plunder: No, I’m from Reno…
Ma-ti: Oh, this is awkward.
Looten Plunder: So…I’m gonna mess you up now…
Ma-ti: [Sighs]

With the Boss

Ma-ti: I mean, come on, Gaia! Heart? What the fuck!!
Gaia: Well, I’m voiced by Whoopi Goldberg. How do you think that makes me feel?
Ma-ti: Fat?
Gaia: RWWWAAAARRRRR!
[They fight]
Ma-ti: Power of Heart, kill the career!
Gaia: YOU CAN’T KILL WHAT IS ALREADY DEAD!

After Hours

Captain Planet: Ma-ti geta GAA get obver herre GAA
Ma-ti: Captain, you’re drunk again.
Captain Planet: Did I evvver tell you shhh…did I evurr tell you that…
Ma-ti: Did you ever tell me what, Captain?
Captain Planet: C’mere shhhhh…didja know I’ma He-She?
Ma-ti: Ah, that explains the unitard GAA
Captain Planet: Annnd I go down on myself.
Ma-ti: What?!?
Captain Planet: What?!?