Sophomore William Hammersmith’s father was dismayed to learn yesterday that his son would be unable to “spend a semester flipping
burgers if you want a car,” because he is too un-Mexican.
“I’m a white male aged 18 to 35 GAA I can’t even get hired as a waiter,” Hammersmith lamented. “I looked all over and there was only one job
I could get.” Hammersmith then excused himself to dictate a memo to his executive assistant and put a down payment on a houseboat in Sausalito.
Pirates ended the careers of many a brave seaman, even those who survived the tumultuous waters south of Cape Horn, the monsters of the great Atlantic, and the pleasant oases of the Pacific. Pirates were feared for their unforgiving tactics, pillaging and plundering without regard for the innocence of man,
woman, or child. But when pirate met pirate, the devil himself shook, for only the most ruthless of rap battles would settle their turf war. We found a transcript of just such a trial of wills, reprinted below:
Let it be known that this lyrical fistfight and verbal dynamite may take place between our two contestants, Lil Jon Silver and Arr Kelly. Sucka emcee spits first.
Arr Kelly: [nods, takes deep breath] When I set sail to your mother’s seas I drop
anchor with rancor / I give that broad’s broad side a broadside when I pull up and flank her / ‘Cause while you just a Lil Jon, this Long John sank her.
Lil Jon Silver: When I met your mother I crept up where she was layin’ then / And got her good with my belayin’ pin, I started dismayin’ then / ‘Cause your mom’s got crabs like the ocean’s got shore / That salty lass was on me
like, “Polly wanna crack whore?”
Arr Kelly: You know I made your mom my first mate / But she wasn’t my first
mate / Since I was a laddie I been raisin’ the birth rate / I cut lass with my cutlass / I’ve had more pirate booty than the loot in my trunk has.
Lil Jon Silver: The first time with your mother we was really in a rush / So
keep it hush-hush, but I musta bust my blunderbuss / Your mom’s sick like
Ahab GAA always lookin’ for Mo’ Dick.
Arr Kelly: You know the game ain’t the same since I came to the Spanish Main / I spent a few Gs just to sail these seven seas / And Zanzibar is nice, but I got spice / Up in the West Indies where the lassies be into me / I bust hymen like icebergs versus Titanic / An’ my rhymin’ panicks enemies / So get outta the Atlantic if you not a friend of me.
Lil Jon Silver: I give no quarter on the quarterdeck / If I plunder your booty, then you’ll never get a quarter back / I show less mercy than scurvy / And the rhymes that I drop is contagious like herpes / My ride is the S.S. Stallion, just one of my battalion / And the chrome on this galleon you gotta measure in gallons / I got diamonds on my main mast, making lassies gasp / And before I even start my rap, you like Smee / Wonderin’ what Captain Hook gon’ be.
A panel of judges, including Blackbeard, William Kidd, and Barbarossa, announces that Lil Jon Silver is the winner. JS gives a sporting hug to his competitor, to show that both pirates are truly winners. Still, Arr Kelly is forced to walk the plank.
Becky Johnson, a photojournalist at the Daily Planet, Metropolis’s biggest newspaper, has been diagnosed with a rare form of independent cancer of both the breasts and the buttocks.
Although usually quite rare, this dual diagnosis has been made on several other female staff members of the Daily Planet. Health officials are baffled by the outbreak.
Thanks to an extreme statistical improbability and several lucrative cross-licensing agreements,
twelve superheroes were called to serve as jurors in the murder case of State of New York vs. Lorenthal Smith.
Jury Selection
Judge: Okay, you’re now officially on the
jury, Batman. Call the next potential juror.
Bailiff: The court calls Bruce Wayne.
[Pause]
Batman: Yeah, I think he went to the bathroom. Let me go get him… [Runs from room]
Bailiff: Then the court calls Wolverine, the rugged loner who plays by his own rules.
Green Lantern: He didn’t show up.
Bailiff: Oh. That makes sense.
Bruce Wayne: [Bursting in] Sorry I’m late!
Judge: Why are you wearing a black leather
cape…and a cowl…and holding sixteen Batarangs?
Bruce Wayne: I have to go to the bathroom again.
Prosecution Examines Witness
Prosecutor: Now, Mr. Capelli, did you or
did you not hear the defendant say that he wished his father was dead?
Professor X: He did.
Judge: Please stop answering for the witness, Professor.
Professor X: Very well.
Judge: And stop subtly passing me mental suggestions for snack breaks.
Super Diabetic Man: Awww!
Prosecution Presents Evidence
Prosecutor: As you can see in these crime
scene photographs, the victim was shot six times, then disemboweled.
Superman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! According to the Comics Code Authority, you’re not allowed to explicitly present the unique details and methods of a crime.
Prosecutor: But GAA
Superman: No buts! Everyone shut your eyes. Oh, except all you Vertigo guys.
The Sandman: Fuck, shit, rape scene.
Questions for the Judge
Judge: Mr. Foreman, I understand that the
jury has some questions about the case?
Green Lantern: That’s correct.
Judge: Go ahead.
Green Lantern: How many issues will the
victim stay dead for?
Judge: For the last time, the victim was shot in the head. He’s not coming back.
Green Lantern: Not even for a reunion issue? What about continuity resets?
Judge: No.
Superman: What’s the big deal about getting shot, anyway? I don’t think I understand
the case.
Deliberation
Batman: So then we’re all agreed that he’s
guilty?
Captain America: Wait, we haven’t heard
Bruce Wayne’s vote.
Batman: Goddammit, for the last time, he
said he was voting with me!
Captain America: Well, I’m not about to circumvent our legal system for Mr. Wayne’s food poisoning. I vote not guilty.
Green Lantern: We’re gonna be here all night! Days maybe! This is just like in 12 Angry Men!
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me
when I’m angry…
Green Lantern: But this could take weeks!
Months!
Bruce Banner: Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Green Lantern: We won’t see our families for a year! All because of Captain “Ameri-Can’t-Condemn-a-Guy-to-Death” over there!
The Hulk: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Throws Captain America out window]
Batman: All right, guilty it is.
I’m at my little brother’s bar mitzvah, and looking around at the life-size ice-sculpture recreations of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, I begin to get the sneaking suspicion that our mom likes him better than me. Okay sure, I had Lord of the Rings ice sculptures at my bar mitzvah too GAA I mean, we’re fucking loaded GAA but I only got the Battle of Helms Deep.
I began to notice something was wrong at the service when improv rabbi Drew Carey from my bar mitzvah was replaced with the original British guy who was way better. Plus, whereas I read from
a solid gold torah, he read from a solid gold torah personally smelted by Moses.
At the party, Mom’s favoritism started showing even more. She had his bar mitzvah video directed by the Coen brothers. Mine was directed by the Wachowski brothers. My little brother’s DJ
is Eminem, and he’s been freestyling about how cool my brother is all night. My DJ was D.J., the chick from Full House. She played “Everywhere You Look” like four times and then spent the rest of the night smoking rocks in her car.
I guess I should have realized what was up when Mom first started planning this thing. I mean, my party theme was “Superheroes.” His theme is “Free Money If You Hit My Brother in the Nads
with This Putter.”
But what about the presents, you ask? Well, Mom gave my little brother one full night with Mandy Moore. She says she spent the same amount of money on my present, but there was just something
unsatisfying about my night with Mandy Patinkin. Oh, and even though we each got a pony, his can trot and gallop instead of just being a smaller-than-average keg. Also, it’s doubtful that my brother’s pony contains toxic levels of mercury and staples.
So as I watch my little brother and his friends shoot hoops with six-time NBA championship winners, I finally realize that Mom always liked
him best. I guess that’s why she named him Cool
Brownstein GAA because she thinks he’s the cool one. His middle name, “Er-Than-His-Shitsucking-Brother,” is probably a clue as well. And speaking of middle names, that time she changed mine to “Sir-Lynch-a-Lot” and had me transferred to Watts High seems, in retrospect, to be a pretty good barometer of her feelings. Oh well. At least I can always take comfort in the fact that when she dies, I’ll inherit a ridiculous amount of money.
Let’s face it; the Internet had a lot to offer in its heyday: earth-shattering breakthroughs in communication, data access, and commerce, just to name a few. Yeah, the Internet was pretty cool.
Around the same time the idea of a global network of interconnected computing machines was picking up momentum, technology had a second Big Bang: the one that conceived me. As challenging the oppressive rule of Goliath was David’s charge, so was I pitted against the Internet, vying for my due recognition from within the shadow of an imposing behemoth.
After years of fierce and controversial debate that has torn nations, families apart, I have decided to compile a comprehensive comparison to once and for all settle this, the rivalry to end all rivalries.
Internet: Instantaneous access to virtually unlimited information
Mark: Access to the Internet
Thanks to the searching power of the Internet, I can help track down whatever it is you need to find, virtually anywhere.
Mark +1
Internet: Global communication
Mark: Strong interpersonal skills
The Internet may connect you to users in other countries, but can it effectively leverage synergies towards a common goal? The Internet can’t even drive a car. How lame.
Mark +1
Internet: Broadband connection
Mark: Connection
With the advent of widespread broadband and wireless access, the Internet is increasingly easy to connect to whereas, because of questionable parenting, I am not.
Internet +1
Internet: Vast and wildly diverse collection of pornography
Mark: Well-catalogued, vast, and wildly diverse collection of pornography
With Mark Thomas, what you see is what you get. I take the time to appropriately label and categorize my amalgam of adult media. The Internet expends no such effort; this often leads to one embarrassing oneself. I will never embarrass you while you are viewing your pornography.
Mark +1
In closing, even if we look at fundamental qualties such as leadership potential, we find the Internet painfully deficient. The Internet may have ushered in the digital age, but there are serious doubts as to whether or not it could quiet down a room in less than fifteen seconds. My can-do attitude embarrasses the Internet’s passive management style.
In conclusion, I win for all of the following reasons: I am not the Internet and I don’t suck. Also, the Internet can’t defend itself in writing.
According to the National Weather Service, the most recent deluge of storms in Southern California has been officially declared a “reverse tsunami.”
“It’s kinda like a regular tsunami, but
backwards,” chief meteorologist Jason Blake said. “More specifically, it’s like a
huge wave jumped the beaches and went
straight for the hills, only to wreck the cities
on the way back down; it’s really much too complicated to explain without the aid of a Lego city and a bucket of water.”
Mr. Blake then tried to show the difference
in writing: “This here, as you can see, is a
regular tsunami: INNOCENT PEOPLE…))
))))(/(/(/(/(/(/ INNOCENT
PEOPLE=>(/(/(/(/(/(/ (Ocean), very very
complicated.”
In my job search, I’ve found there to be certain unnecessary equalities arbitrarily built into our legal system. The Civil Rights Act, Americans with Disabilities Act, and U.S. Constitution are way too progressive for my liking. I mean, how can these bleeding-heart, unbiased corporate executives ever hope to hire anyone qualified for the position? Hey execs, the world doesn’t need another Mahatma Gandhi. We therefore must enforce discrimination and prejudice policies to ensure that able-bodied, white, heterosexual males are employers’ top priorities.
Interview One
CEO: Explain some of your work experience, please.
Melissa: Well, I worked at Mercer for three years as a financial consultant before working as…
CEO: No, no, no. Explain your work experience. [Makes handjob motion]
Melissa: Oh, that wasn’t on my resume? Weird. Well, I’ve given 74 handjobs, 65 blowjobs, and four rimjobs.
CEO: [Face lights up] You certainly seem qualified for the position, but I would like you to work through a case study. [Unzips pants] Don’t worry, there’s no math involved.
Melissa: Great, math disgusts me. [Crawls under desk]
Interview Two
CEO: Wow, how did you find a parking space?
Allen: I was driven here by my father.
CEO: Oh, so he feels guilty for producing a bad seed, does he?
Allen: I lost my legs in the Iraq War, if that’s what you’re referring to.
CEO: It looks like you also lost your dignity, your sense of value, what would appear to be your right index finger, and a job opportunity here.
Allen: If I had any legs, I’d kick you in the balls.
CEO: If you had any legs, you’d kick Melissa in the head as she sucked my two balls.
Melissa: [Lifts up head] I thought you said there’d be no math.
Interview Three
CEO: It says here you’re incredibly lazy.
Dancing Bear: Where does it say that?
CEO: Across your Mexican face! [Slaps self high-five]
Dancing Bear: I’m not Mexican. I’m Native American.
CEO: Oh, in that case, I have a joke. How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? All three of them. You and your
two drunk friends probably named something stupid like “Fire Belly” and “Fixes Lightbulbs.”
Dancing Bear: I see now that my type is not welcomed in these parts. Unless, of course, you still need that lightbulb changed.
CEO: I sure do.
Dancing Bear: [Reaches for phone and calls his two remaining friends, Fire Belly and Fixes Lightbulbs]
Interview Four
CEO: Let’s start by looking over your resume and vagina. In fact, can I grab your boobs?
Cicely: Jesus, what kind of girl do you think I am? I will not jeopardize my morals…unless, of course, I am offered a job first.
CEO: Will you bring your hard work ethic and breasts to work every day?
Cicely: I’ll bring my breasts.
CEO: What about your work eth…oh fuck it. You’re hired. Pull your hair back and let me show you around the office. [Points beneath
desk] Oh, by the way, that’s Melissa.
Melissa: Hrumph humph.
Interview Five
CEO: I’m not sure if we have the facilities to accommodate your disabilities.
Carl: Disabilities?
CEO: Did I say “disabilities”? Because I meant to say “your fat fucking ass.”
Carl: I know I have a bit of a weight problem, but I’m currently trying to shed some pounds.
CEO: Does your plan include seeing doctors who could internally give you liposuction or gastro-bypass surgery?
Carl: Yes; yes it does.
CEO: Well, in that case, I must recommend my friend Martin Stokee. He’s very good. He did my wife’s penis reduction surgery.
Carl: Your wife has a penis?
CEO: A reduced penis, yes. At least she has an employed husband, which is more than your wife can say. Now let me get a team of secretaries to lower you out of here.
In the 24th century, a new chapter in the history
of civil rights was written. And it was written in binary.
1963 to 2304: And as it is written in the robot Bible, “…and ROBBIE begat AIBO, and AIBO
begat ASIMO, and ASIMO begat ASIMO version 2.36 powered by Windows CE…” (the robot Bible and other works from Philip K. Dick are now available from Amazon).
2307: Robot poverty and unplanned pregnancies reach an all-time high, leading many robots to sadly venture into back alleys to perform illegal abortions using paper clips and that little reset button underneath the drivebay.
2313: In the case of Roe-Bot v. WadeBot, the Supreme Court establishes a robot’s right to choose as a fundamental right, despite WadeBot’s emotional assertion that life begins at C:>compile GAAo begin.out. Many have attributed the victory of RoeBot to the fact that WadeBot was actually a Wade Boggs robot, and as such was better at fielding grounders than arguing legal precedent.
2320: To prevent further conflict in the growing robot controversy, the Three Laws of Robotics are established, but two are later overturned on appeal.
2332: Excerpt from famed Lifetime Original Movie Not Without My ASUS Motherboard’s Frontside Bus:
LadyBot 1: OMG, I was sooo drunk last night. Tell no one, sister, but I think I’m
pregnant.
LadyBot 2: No! Who?
LadyBot 1: I don’t know, but I think I’m going to abort the fetus by upgrading to Microsoft Longhorn 12 Office XP since the fetus
won’t be supported.
LadyBot 2: Don’t do that, it’s too expensive! I heard that if you run Winamp, two screensavers, and Norton Antivirus at the same
time, your processor uses too much RAM and therefore aborts the fetus.
2324: In Choicetron v. Bolts, the pro-robot abortion lobby seemed poised to suffer a major setback when Choicetron lost her momentum
after Bolt’s efficient wedge design flipped her onto the kill saw in the second round of the semifinals competition. However, the case was declared a victory for Choicetron after Bolts lost control and slid under the Slammer Hammer.
2340: In an effort to maintain control over the birthrate of its native robot population, China institutes the now-infamous “One Robot, Then One Smaller, Much More Efficient Robot” policy.
2341: India, faced with its own population
issues, goes beyond China’s policy by moving to a forced “Clicking That Little Tab on the End of the Disc” policy. An estimated two million untouchables die in the process.
