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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 14- Issue 5

Southern California Hit by Reverse Tsunami

February 1, 2005
,

According to the National Weather Service, the most recent deluge of storms in Southern California has been officially declared a “reverse tsunami.”

“It’s kinda like a regular tsunami, but
backwards,” chief meteorologist Jason Blake said. “More specifically, it’s like a
huge wave jumped the beaches and went
straight for the hills, only to wreck the cities
on the way back down; it’s really much too complicated to explain without the aid of a Lego city and a bucket of water.”

Mr. Blake then tried to show the difference
in writing: “This here, as you can see, is a
regular tsunami: INNOCENT PEOPLE…))
))))(/(/(/(/(/(/ INNOCENT
PEOPLE=>(/(/(/(/(/(/ (Ocean), very very
complicated.”

Volume 14- Issue 5

The Future According to the ’70s

February 1, 2005

1979: Overpopulation leads to water shortage and rampant cannibalism. Also, pastel pants fashionable.

1980: All vehicles now legally required to have doors that open vertically.

1982: New lethal strain of Saturday Night Fever discovered.

1983: First moon colony in which the colonists don’t go crazy and eat each other established.

1985: John Lennon continues to live a full and happy life.

1987: Cell phones not only not invented, but phone cords actually get thicker.

1989: World War III ends.

1990: Expensive and inefficient cocaine replaced by ZAP. Long distance truckers and disaffected thrillseekers rejoice.

1993: The Disco Renaissance.

2001: Jesus returns. Sort of a letdown.

2034: Thanks to expansion of ARPANET, 800 baud fax/modems now available at neary every major university. They feature vertical doors.

3968: Wary astronaut discovers that intelligent apes have taken over the planet Earth…in the 2000th-anniversary rerelease of Planet of the Apes. The movie does not hold up well over time.

Volume 14- Issue 5

Mark Thomas vs. the Internet

February 1, 2005
,

Let’s face it; the Internet had a lot to offer in its heyday: earth-shattering breakthroughs in communication, data access, and commerce, just to name a few. Yeah, the Internet was pretty cool.

Around the same time the idea of a global network of interconnected computing machines was picking up momentum, technology had a second Big Bang: the one that conceived me. As challenging the oppressive rule of Goliath was David’s charge, so was I pitted against the Internet, vying for my due recognition from within the shadow of an imposing behemoth.

After years of fierce and controversial debate that has torn nations, families apart, I have decided to compile a comprehensive comparison to once and for all settle this, the rivalry to end all rivalries.

Internet: Instantaneous access to virtually unlimited information
Mark: Access to the Internet

Thanks to the searching power of the Internet, I can help track down whatever it is you need to find, virtually anywhere.

Mark +1

Internet: Global communication
Mark: Strong interpersonal skills

The Internet may connect you to users in other countries, but can it effectively leverage synergies towards a common goal? The Internet can’t even drive a car. How lame.

Mark +1

Internet: Broadband connection
Mark: Connection

With the advent of widespread broadband and wireless access, the Internet is increasingly easy to connect to whereas, because of questionable parenting, I am not.

Internet +1

Internet: Vast and wildly diverse collection of pornography
Mark: Well-catalogued, vast, and wildly diverse collection of pornography

With Mark Thomas, what you see is what you get. I take the time to appropriately label and categorize my amalgam of adult media. The Internet expends no such effort; this often leads to one embarrassing oneself. I will never embarrass you while you are viewing your pornography.

Mark +1

In closing, even if we look at fundamental qualties such as leadership potential, we find the Internet painfully deficient. The Internet may have ushered in the digital age, but there are serious doubts as to whether or not it could quiet down a room in less than fifteen seconds. My can-do attitude embarrasses the Internet’s passive management style.

In conclusion, I win for all of the following reasons: I am not the Internet and I don’t suck. Also, the Internet can’t defend itself in writing.

Volume 14- Issue 5

Woman Gets Rare Cancer

February 1, 2005
,

Becky Johnson, a photojournalist at the Daily Planet, Metropolis’s biggest newspaper, has been diagnosed with a rare form of independent cancer of both the breasts and the buttocks.

Although usually quite rare, this dual diagnosis has been made on several other female staff members of the Daily Planet. Health officials are baffled by the outbreak.

Volume 14- Issue 5

I, Roe-bot: An Historical Journey

February 1, 2005
,

In the 24th century, a new chapter in the history
of civil rights was written. And it was written in binary.

1963 to 2304: And as it is written in the robot Bible, “…and ROBBIE begat AIBO, and AIBO
begat ASIMO, and ASIMO begat ASIMO version 2.36 powered by Windows CE…” (the robot Bible and other works from Philip K. Dick are now available from Amazon).

2307: Robot poverty and unplanned pregnancies reach an all-time high, leading many robots to sadly venture into back alleys to perform illegal abortions using paper clips and that little reset button underneath the drivebay.

2313: In the case of Roe-Bot v. WadeBot, the Supreme Court establishes a robot’s right to choose as a fundamental right, despite WadeBot’s emotional assertion that life begins at C:>compile GAAo begin.out. Many have attributed the victory of RoeBot to the fact that WadeBot was actually a Wade Boggs robot, and as such was better at fielding grounders than arguing legal precedent.

2320: To prevent further conflict in the growing robot controversy, the Three Laws of Robotics are established, but two are later overturned on appeal.

2332: Excerpt from famed Lifetime Original Movie Not Without My ASUS Motherboard’s Frontside Bus:

LadyBot 1: OMG, I was sooo drunk last night. Tell no one, sister, but I think I’m
pregnant.
LadyBot 2: No! Who?
LadyBot 1: I don’t know, but I think I’m going to abort the fetus by upgrading to Microsoft Longhorn 12 Office XP since the fetus
won’t be supported.
LadyBot 2: Don’t do that, it’s too expensive! I heard that if you run Winamp, two screensavers, and Norton Antivirus at the same
time, your processor uses too much RAM and therefore aborts the fetus.

2324: In Choicetron v. Bolts, the pro-robot abortion lobby seemed poised to suffer a major setback when Choicetron lost her momentum
after Bolt’s efficient wedge design flipped her onto the kill saw in the second round of the semifinals competition. However, the case was declared a victory for Choicetron after Bolts lost control and slid under the Slammer Hammer.

2340: In an effort to maintain control over the birthrate of its native robot population, China institutes the now-infamous “One Robot, Then One Smaller, Much More Efficient Robot” policy.

2341: India, faced with its own population
issues, goes beyond China’s policy by moving to a forced “Clicking That Little Tab on the End of the Disc” policy. An estimated two million untouchables die in the process.

Volume 14- Issue 5

This Bar Mitzvah Has One Complete Roster of the 1996 Chicago Bulls Too Many

February 1, 2005
,

I’m at my little brother’s bar mitzvah, and looking around at the life-size ice-sculpture recreations of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, I begin to get the sneaking suspicion that our mom likes him better than me. Okay sure, I had Lord of the Rings ice sculptures at my bar mitzvah too GAA I mean, we’re fucking loaded GAA but I only got the Battle of Helms Deep.

I began to notice something was wrong at the service when improv rabbi Drew Carey from my bar mitzvah was replaced with the original British guy who was way better. Plus, whereas I read from
a solid gold torah, he read from a solid gold torah personally smelted by Moses.

At the party, Mom’s favoritism started showing even more. She had his bar mitzvah video directed by the Coen brothers. Mine was directed by the Wachowski brothers. My little brother’s DJ
is Eminem, and he’s been freestyling about how cool my brother is all night. My DJ was D.J., the chick from Full House. She played “Everywhere You Look” like four times and then spent the rest of the night smoking rocks in her car.

I guess I should have realized what was up when Mom first started planning this thing. I mean, my party theme was “Superheroes.” His theme is “Free Money If You Hit My Brother in the Nads
with This Putter.”

But what about the presents, you ask? Well, Mom gave my little brother one full night with Mandy Moore. She says she spent the same amount of money on my present, but there was just something
unsatisfying about my night with Mandy Patinkin. Oh, and even though we each got a pony, his can trot and gallop instead of just being a smaller-than-average keg. Also, it’s doubtful that my brother’s pony contains toxic levels of mercury and staples.

So as I watch my little brother and his friends shoot hoops with six-time NBA championship winners, I finally realize that Mom always liked
him best. I guess that’s why she named him Cool
Brownstein GAA because she thinks he’s the cool one. His middle name, “Er-Than-His-Shitsucking-Brother,” is probably a clue as well. And speaking of middle names, that time she changed mine to “Sir-Lynch-a-Lot” and had me transferred to Watts High seems, in retrospect, to be a pretty good barometer of her feelings. Oh well. At least I can always take comfort in the fact that when she dies, I’ll inherit a ridiculous amount of money.

Volume 14- Issue 5

Bush Calls for Draft

February 1, 2005
,

In response to the growing violence and anti-American sentiments in Iraq, the conscription of young American men is needed, said a rhododendron on the west side of the UC Berkeley campus.

The bush shouted his right-wing sentiments as loud as he could, but was heard only by what he called “tree-hugging pussies.” The listeners in question called the bush a racist and continued their veganism with extra zeal.

Volume 14- Issue 5

A New, Old-school Workplace

February 1, 2005
,

In my job search, I’ve found there to be certain unnecessary equalities arbitrarily built into our legal system. The Civil Rights Act, Americans with Disabilities Act, and U.S. Constitution are way too progressive for my liking. I mean, how can these bleeding-heart, unbiased corporate executives ever hope to hire anyone qualified for the position? Hey execs, the world doesn’t need another Mahatma Gandhi. We therefore must enforce discrimination and prejudice policies to ensure that able-bodied, white, heterosexual males are employers’ top priorities.

Interview One

CEO: Explain some of your work experience, please.
Melissa: Well, I worked at Mercer for three years as a financial consultant before working as…
CEO: No, no, no. Explain your work experience. [Makes handjob motion]
Melissa: Oh, that wasn’t on my resume? Weird. Well, I’ve given 74 handjobs, 65 blowjobs, and four rimjobs.
CEO: [Face lights up] You certainly seem qualified for the position, but I would like you to work through a case study. [Unzips pants] Don’t worry, there’s no math involved.
Melissa: Great, math disgusts me. [Crawls under desk]

Interview Two

CEO: Wow, how did you find a parking space?
Allen: I was driven here by my father.
CEO: Oh, so he feels guilty for producing a bad seed, does he?
Allen: I lost my legs in the Iraq War, if that’s what you’re referring to.
CEO: It looks like you also lost your dignity, your sense of value, what would appear to be your right index finger, and a job opportunity here.
Allen: If I had any legs, I’d kick you in the balls.
CEO: If you had any legs, you’d kick Melissa in the head as she sucked my two balls.
Melissa: [Lifts up head] I thought you said there’d be no math.

Interview Three

CEO: It says here you’re incredibly lazy.
Dancing Bear: Where does it say that?
CEO: Across your Mexican face! [Slaps self high-five]
Dancing Bear: I’m not Mexican. I’m Native American.
CEO: Oh, in that case, I have a joke. How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? All three of them. You and your
two drunk friends probably named something stupid like “Fire Belly” and “Fixes Lightbulbs.”
Dancing Bear: I see now that my type is not welcomed in these parts. Unless, of course, you still need that lightbulb changed.
CEO: I sure do.
Dancing Bear: [Reaches for phone and calls his two remaining friends, Fire Belly and Fixes Lightbulbs]

Interview Four

CEO: Let’s start by looking over your resume and vagina. In fact, can I grab your boobs?
Cicely: Jesus, what kind of girl do you think I am? I will not jeopardize my morals…unless, of course, I am offered a job first.
CEO: Will you bring your hard work ethic and breasts to work every day?
Cicely: I’ll bring my breasts.
CEO: What about your work eth…oh fuck it. You’re hired. Pull your hair back and let me show you around the office. [Points beneath
desk] Oh, by the way, that’s Melissa.
Melissa: Hrumph humph.

Interview Five

CEO: I’m not sure if we have the facilities to accommodate your disabilities.
Carl: Disabilities?
CEO: Did I say “disabilities”? Because I meant to say “your fat fucking ass.”
Carl: I know I have a bit of a weight problem, but I’m currently trying to shed some pounds.
CEO: Does your plan include seeing doctors who could internally give you liposuction or gastro-bypass surgery?
Carl: Yes; yes it does.
CEO: Well, in that case, I must recommend my friend Martin Stokee. He’s very good. He did my wife’s penis reduction surgery.
Carl: Your wife has a penis?
CEO: A reduced penis, yes. At least she has an employed husband, which is more than your wife can say. Now let me get a team of secretaries to lower you out of here.

Volume 14- Issue 5

Being a Male Porn Star Is Hard Work

By Miles O’Dong

February 1, 2005

Most people think that being a male porn star is a glamorous job. That all day it’s just sex and making that one face. But it’s not. For one
thing, it’s hard to tell where work ends and where everyday life begins:

Cashier at Bookstore: Okay, that comes to forty-two dollars even.
Me: Can I pay by credit card?
Cashier: Sure, but I’ll need to see your ID.
Me: [Starts to takes off pants]
Cashier: [Shocked] What the hell are you doing?!
Me: But I thought that “ID” stands for Incredible GAA
Cashier: No. It doesn’t.

And clothes shopping is always an ordeal:

Me: I’d like thirty-eight pairs of tear-away track pants, please.
Clerk: Whoa, buddy! Are you GAA
Me: [Sighs] No, I’m not starting an AYSO team.
Clerk: …a male porn star?
Me: Look pal, you wanna see my ID or not?

And the worst part is, porno doesn’t even pay
that well! I’ve had to work tons of part-time jobs just to make the rent. Like when I got that job as a bartender:

Female Customer: Whiskey sour, extra sour.
Me: Coming right up. [Starts pouring drink]
Female Customer: Why is it taking so long?
Me: [Still pouring] Almost there!
Female Customer: Okay…
Me: [Still pouring] Just a little more!
Female Customer: What?
Me: Yes! That’s it! [Pulls bottle away from glass, coating her face in whiskey]
Female Customer: What the fuck?!
Me: Towel boy! Over here!

Or that time I had to deliver pizzas to a sorority house:

Me: [Rings doorbell]
Sorority Girl in Negligee: [Seductively] Hey there, pizza boy.
Me: Uh, yeah. That’ll be thirteen-fifty.
Sorority Girl: So tell me, what’s on that pizza?
Me: Aww c’mon, don’t make me say it. Can
I just have the money?
Sorority Girl: Not ’til you tell me what’s on that pizza.
Me: [Sighs] Extra sausage.
[Slap bass starts playing]
Me: Goddammit, Jerry, will you stop that?
Guy with Ponytail: Sorry.

After a career in pornography, no one takes you seriously. Like that time I tried out for the
touring cast of the British Royal Shakespeare Company:

Director: Well, Miles, I was very impressed with your portrayal of MacDuff. But…
Me: Was it overwrought?
Director: No, not at all. Best I’ve ever seen, in fact. It’s just that if you want to do mainstream work, you have to start…somewhere else.
Me: You mean, like at a dramatic GAA
Director: You have to blow those eight guys dressed in army camos.
[Kenneth Branagh starts playing slap bass]

Volume 14- Issue 5

Words from the Top

Enemy Mine

February 1, 2005
,

Everyone needs an enemies list. With all the talk of national disunity and the red/blue divide, I figure this “healing” is just a clever tactic. That’s right, they lull you into a false sense of security, then BAM, Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) punches you in the face and takes your shoes.

And that’s why I need an enemies list. But how to make one? Remember, Richard Nixon had one, and now he’s dead. Lesson: Never pick “natural causes” as an enemy.

The key to making good enemies is picking people who are less powerful than you.
Enemy #1: The Pope. I could take that guy. What, are you gonna release some doves at me?

Lesson: Have an enemy you hate with the sum total of all evil since the original sin.
Enemy #2: Little Debbie. She knows what she did.

Lesson: Consolidate your efforts to save time.
Enemy #3: A paranoid schizophrenic. That way, you can hate six people for the price of one. That’s not hating harder, that’s hating smarter.

Lesson: Don’t hate anyone that can get you in trouble for hating them under hate crime laws.
Enemy #4: Hate crime laws. Anything that prevents me from having more enemies is my enemy. Okay, now I’m done blowing your mind.

Lesson: Don’t write anything that other people are going to read if your writing is so bad that it makes depressed war widows cry onto puppies with two legs. And they’re both hind legs. How do the puppies walk, you ask? With their chins.
Enemy #5: Daily Cal columnists Eitan Bencuya and David Pekema. They know what they did.

Enemy #6: Endings