When you’re not sure how to get somewhere, a quick visit to MapQuest.com can save you lots of time and give you clear, precise directions.
If you have a good car.
But what if you don’t drive one of those brand-new, fancy-pants imports that can pass a smog test? What if your car, you know, has a door held on by a seatbelt? MapQuest is here for you too, and it’ll even tell you how to get from point A to point B and not go over any bridges with toll booths because you can’t roll your windows down and the driver’s side door doesn’t open.

Start: Long Beach
End: San Diego
Problem: Registration expired for two years.

Ideal Route: Take the 5 South and stay in the far right lane of traffic. Look for an ’89 minivan going 45
with a bumper sticker for “89.1 El Sol!” or something like that. Get in front of that minivan for the rest
of the trip. Invariably, that minivan will have expired tags that far outstrip yours. The lesser of two evils
rarely gets registration tickets.

Start: Your parents’ house
End: 76 Station a mile away
Problem: Have to get more oil, because you always have to get that shit.

Ideal Route: Take Orange Avenue all the way up to sixth. Then stall, and start smoking. Call your car a
“piece of shit, you’re such a piece of shit.” Dial a friend and tell him it happened again. Walk home.

Start: Your friend’s apartment
End: Your weed dealer’s house
Problem: You’re out of weed.

Ideal Route: Take the 5 freeway North and exit at Broadway. Stop at the Bank of America there and open a goddamned checking account. Deposit the money wadded up in the pocket of your wrinkled cargos. Now save up and buy a car that costs more than three hundred dollars next time.

Start: Your friend’s parents house
End: A house party in Pacific Beach
Problem: There are a lot of hills in Pacific Beach. Hills that stop ’84 Corollas with a bum clutch.

Ideal Route: Exit at Garnet Avenue and take the first left. When you come to the Safeway, turn into the
parking lot and get high. (Note: MapQuest does not endorse the use of illegal drugs, but rather, knows you were going to do
that anyway.) Go two blocks south and take a right at Citrus. Stop to look for the piece of paper with the
address on it. Fail to find it, call a bunch of people, then give up and go get rolled tacos at El Pastor.

Start: Your parents’ house
End: Your job
Problem: Job?

Ideal Route: Exit the 805 freeway South at H Street, then continue on the road for 3.5 miles. Take a
right into the first parking lot. Congratulations, you’re back at Southwestern college. Take eight units
and your parents will start giving you money again.

To quote every freshman in the history of ever: “I
was SOOOO drunk!” Problem is, there is no
objectivity to this claim. There are no gold
medals and no Jeopardy champions in the game of
Drunk. So how close can we ever come to explaining
this phenomenon of the lampshade-wearing,
sexual-favor giving, arrested-getting inebriate?

Simple: a comparison in five easy stages. Follow
along if you’re stage 3 or below.

ONE
Get your buzz on — 1 to 3 drinks

Congratulations, you’re just like a: British
person

Every now and then, you’re speaking so quickly
that your words run together a little bit. You
start saying uncharacteristic things like “thanks
love.” (Note: you do not start addressing people
as “queen” until roughly stage 3, when a fight is
forthcoming) For reasons passing explanation, you
start talking at length about politics and
culture. You start to think that maybe bad teeth
aren’t that big a deal.

TWO
Feelin’ no pain, or tact — 4 to 5 drinks

Congratulations, you’re just like a: Sex offender
on probation

You’re compelled to go around the area and
introduce yourself to everyone. You’re chatting
with girls/boys, but still cautious about groping.
You want to lure that special someone back to your
van, but probably shouldn’t. Damned if you’re not
trying to ignore the demon voices in your head
that tell you to do the things.

THREE
Faded — 6 to 9 drinks
Congratulations, you’re just like an:
Eighty-year-old Handicapped billionaire in a strip
club

You no longer feel the need to impress people or
act charming. Wild rounds of boasting are followed
by inappropriate sexual advances. “Heavy” girls
become “busty.” Motor control is spotty at best.
You can’t even remember when you had bladder
control. Special Bonus: After drink no. 8, you’re
confined to a chair for the foreseeable future.

FOUR
Doin’ a little side-to-side shuffle-dance — 10 to
14 drinks
Congratulations, you’re just like: Michael J. Fox

You shake and squirm quite a bit, but maintain a
huge smile on your face. Sentences are tough to
form, and are accompanied by wild gesticulations
to help make the point. People are always telling
you how brave you are, but in your case, it’s
because you took a swing at a cop and took off into
the neighbor’s backyard.

FIVE
You look like a hobo’s jockstrap — 15 drinks and
up
Congratulations, you’re just like a: Celtic Druid,
circa 1000 B.C.

You’re not speaking anything that sounds remotely
like English. You smell bad and regularly forage
for food. When presented with a simple technology
like a cell phone, you futilely poke at it and
wonder exactly where inside it the sun and planets
are hiding. You wake up in the morning to find an
animal chewing/humping on you. You have the plague.