A grossly hung-over and dangerously dehydrated Jesus woke up last weekend at a friend’s apartment and then attempted to rehydrate himself by transforming the party’s leftover wine back into water. Jesus had transformed the water into wine to … Read More
Name: Hobo
Problem: Homelessness
GANDALF: Hurry Hobo, the Ringwraiths are coming! You must leave the Shire at once! Take the ring and go to the town of Bree. I will meet you there.
HOBO: Ring? Man, … Read More
2004 is here, and my graduation is near. As I look back at my four fantastical years here at Cal, I think about all the important li’l bits of knowledge I’ve picked up that served me so well … Read More
On a lonely and mildly pathetic Saturday in Berkeley, I decided to embark on a mini-adventure to the local laundromat. The following is a true recounting of my experience that night, a tale that I offer with a… Read More
Berkeley women interested in giving the gift of life to a childless couple in exchange for cold hard cash were upset Friday to find the Daily Californian’s latest egg donor ad impossible to satisfy. The ad read as… Read More
January 19, 1871
Grandpa Wilhelm was crowned Emperor yesterday. I’ve spent the last fourteen hours crossing “Prussia” off his royal letterhead and replacing it with “Germany.” He told me it builds character. Unified German… Read More
Let’s face facts: Children today are dumb, ugly, and fat. Some blame television, single parents, or fast food, but the real reason is much simpler: we can’t beat our children anymore. Sure, you want… Read More
An extensive study released Thursday by the UC Berkeley Business Administration Graduate Research Division reveals that cup shaking is in fact not a marketable skill.
Further, the researchers concluded, as a non-marketable skill, cup shaking thus does … Read More
Berkeley student, singer, and professional hip gyrator William Hung’s fifteen minutes are officially up. The announcement came from Professor Serena Chen during a Social Psychology midterm on April 5th. At 11:45 am, Prof. Chen announced, “You have fifteen … Read More
Oh, that’s hilarious! You really are Rick James, bitch. What? OKAY! Nothing irks me more than people who refer to the “Little John” sketch. First of all, he’s LIL JON, not Little John. … Read More
