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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 15- Issue 5

Woman Experiences Miracle of Death During Childbirth

February 1, 2006

Josie Marie Keller, on March 1st, gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Ann Marie Keller. Josie suffered an internal hemorrhage during labor and consequently bled to death. Obstetrician Alyssa Parker said, “It makes this job worthwhile when I can help bring one life into existence as another is senselessly extinguished.” Parker added, “Plus, it’s like half the paperwork. I just write in the baby’s name, flip the form over and write in the stiff ‘s name. Badabing, bada-boom.”

“I can’t wait to show little Annie the video someday,” said recent father and widower Mark Keller.

Volume 15- Issue 5

Top Ten Signs It’s Time to Switch to Plan B

February 1, 2006
  1. Identical twin failed to shave goatee
  2. Turns out bank has no wheelchair ramp
  3. Hot air balloon escape not as practical as you thought for nail gun factory heist
  4. Flying a plane is actually really hard
  5. Pirates are late. AGAIN
  6. Your English accent isn’t nearly as convincing as you thought
  7. Ewoks didn’t do shit
  8. Turns out the pope was wearing a flak jacket
  9. Kinda, sorta, accidentally shot hostage in the face
  10. Air conditioner ducts are actually really small
Volume 15- Issue 5

My Girlfriend

February 1, 2006
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When you’re as picky as I am, it’s hard to find a girl that shares your interests. Girls that I dated in the past just weren’t into sitting in one position for up to twelve hours, being stared at by little kids, or peeing with someone’s assistance. But I found the girl of my dreams. Her name is Crystal (a fragile name, for a fragile spine) and it turned out she had been sitting right next to me all along. I was standing, of course, so it just took me a long time to see her. I was nervous talking to her at first.

Me: Did it hurt?
Cyrstal: Pardon?
Me: When you fell from Heaven.
Crystal: Oh, that’s cute. [giggling] But really, my dad pushed me down the stairs.
Me: I …see.

She was unlike any girl I’d ever met. It was magic. When I looked into her eye, and she into mine, and her seeing eye dog’s also into mine, I knew it was love. And you may not think so, but where Crystal really shines is in the bedroom, especially considering her complete and total inability to move or feel pleasure.

Me: Want to try a new position
Crystal: Sure, I’m game.
Me: I really want to try the Sacred Spelunking Stingray position. Just lean forward and arch your back as much as you can so your feet rest on your head and I’ll…
[large, wet cracking noise]
Crystal: What was that?
Me: I uh, er, I sat on some pretzels.

It feels amazing to know I’ve found the woman of my dreams and I’m doing a great deed as a humanitarian. Crystal is everything a man like me could ask for. We watch TV together, see movies together, and when she’s asleep I play frisbee with her guide dog. And I get to class so much faster riding on the back of her wheelchair, even though now I don’t know what to do with my Segway. So don’t let love just roll on by, seize it by the wheels! And if it screams, turn off its voice box.

Volume 15- Issue 5

Top Ten Homeless Faux Pas

February 1, 2006
  1. Playing music for money on your ipod
  2. Masturbating in private
  3. Spending a day’s worth of change on a six-pack of O’Douls
  4. Eating faithful canine companion
  5. Dying during winter
  6. Touching appropriately
  7. Hopping on a moving freight plane
  8. Using the needle first
  9. Asking for understanding instead of money
  10. Using salad fork instead of stabbing knife
Volume 15- Issue 5

Harley-Davidson Obtains New Image

February 1, 2006
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Harley-Davidson, which has been synonymous with overpriced leather jackets, drunken bar fights, and STD filled orgies for over 100 years, is being forced to widen their target audience with a new line of mini-vans in response to numerous complaints by disease infested ex-cons with living, breathing reminders of Jack Daniel’s RockFest running around.

William Harley IV, current CEO of Harley-Davidson, feels that broadening their horizons is “pussy shit” but nonetheless the company is currently building their first Harley Mini-Van model. “I don’t believe a minivan is quite what this company originally set out to produce, but if that’s what those fat queers down in marketing think we should be doing, then I aint gonna tell them no,” Harley said. He then slapped this reporter way too hard on the back and laughed gruffly and at great-length.

When asked for further comment, Mr. Harley swore repeatedly and then had sex with an unattractive bar maid from Barstow.

Volume 15- Issue 5

God Blamed For Global Disasters

February 1, 2006
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In a press conference held at the White House on Wednesday, a spokesman representing FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security stated that from now on, all misdeeds, misdemeanors, natural disasters, hunting accidents, and war crimes would be recognized as the fault of God. “How can individuals be held accountable for their actions when everything is ultimately controlled by the omnipotent Creator?” explained spokesman Stuart Driebble as he made his daily sacrifice of fifteen well-nourished steers upon a flaming altar just outside of the White House pressroom.

This new policy is expected to lead to the release of innumerable murderers, rapists, war criminals, and psychopaths into the general populace. However, Driebble insisted that “people will no longer be punished for their actions or for shooting a 78-year-old lobbyist in the face with a shotgun just because God made them do it.” Meanwhile, charges, including those of genocide in the Sudan and causing Hurricane Katrina, are being raised against the Almighty. Law officials are now preparing for the second coming of Christ so they may efficiently apprehend and interrogate the Messiah as soon as He decides to show up again and stops hiding in heaven like a wuss.

Volume 15- Issue 5

New Math Department Courses Teach Culture

February 1, 2006
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The UC Berkeley Department of Mathematics today announced its Fall 2006 Schedule of Classes, containing in it some surprising new course offerings. Alongside such bread-and-butter staples as Math 16B: “This Course is Integral to your Future” and Math 113: “I Can’t Believe we are Still Doing This” are exciting classes in the emerging field of “mathematical humanities.”

Department Chair Theodore Slaman characterized the new offerings as part of the faculty’s overall efforts to “stay relevant in a changing world.” He continued, “these courses are designed to point out to students the many ways in which math has an impact on history and culture, like that time Martin Luther King Jr. used calculus to integrate a school.”

Among the new courses for the semester are two new AC requirement courses, Math 39AC: “Mathematics in American History” which goes by the alternate title, “Multiplying by 3/5ths,” and Math 54AC: “Linear Algebra taught by a Cherokee.” Also planned is Upper Div Math 153: “How to talk to girls,” and, to help math majors pass all their requirements, Math 215: “Differential Topology R1A.”

Volume 15- Issue 5

Words From the Top

The Greatest Inventor

February 1, 2006
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Get your cocks out now boys, because otherwise you’re going to need to change your underwear upon hearing my amazing, mindblowingly incredible idea.

Alright, you ready? Sex…with the mouth!

Okay, okay, everybody settle down. I mean it, shut up. Take your nuts out of your mouth and listen. I came up with this idea when I was at Starbucks and I saw a woman blowing on her latte. I said to myself, hey, “You could put your dick in that!”

Two hours later my dick was covered in coffee burns and I knew I had to go back to the drawing board.

That’s when I saw a porcupine eating shards of glass.

Okay, fast-forward another two hours and a quick trip to the hospital.

Needless to say I learned my lesson and began work constructing a scale model of the penis for use in later tests. Then I saw my dog licking himself.

I began experimenting. A few of the legos fell off, but the penis seemed to be okay.

I ran as fast as I could to my girlfriend’s place and explained my theory to her. She flat out told me it would never work, and even if it did, she’d probably get pregnant instantly. So I ate her out, then went home.

I figured I’d go talk it over with some of my friends, but they were all at Starbucks and for some reason I’m not allowed in there anymore. With few options left, I decided a field test was in order.

Let me just say, it worked, and it was incredible. It was totally worth it.

Yours,
Simon Ganz
San Quentin Prison

Volume 15- Issue 5

Man Gains Superpowers in Lab Accident

February 1, 2006
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Alan Andrews, a UC Berkeley graduate student, developed strange, amazing powers last week when a surge of radiation altered his physical make up during a research study. On the morning of January 8th, Andrews life was changed forever when the sociological questionnaire he was filling out exploded.

Andrews, or “The Pollster” as he now wishes to be called, claims to have a superhuman knowledge of socio-economic statistics, including which groups are most likely to engage in criminal activity. “I’ve been given the power to predict crime before it starts,” says the Pollster, who reportedly has been involved in physical altercations with 17-year-old, lower-class, male minorities on six separate occasions, all of which have resulted in Andrews sustaining major injuries. No other persons involved were ever found, apprehended, or proven guilty of criminal activity (past or future). Andrews, however, remains adamant about his cause, saying, “I won’t rest until 100% of the population is safe!” Adding, “Plus or minus five.”

Volume 15- Issue 5

The Collected Disappointments of James R. Henderson

February 1, 2006
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December 24th, 1960: Found out Santa wasn’t real

I stayed up all night anxiously watching over the cookies and milk I had left for Santa. As soon as I heard a rustle down the chimney, I ran forward to give him a big hug. Down dropped a giant bag filled with toys followed by a skeleton in a Santa suit. Amid my turbulent crying, I could hear my father laughing and laughing and laughing.

It was the worst birthday ever.

April 14th, 1970: First sexual experience

She was very gentle and soothing. He, on the other hand, was really rough. My crying only seemed to make things worse.

August 31st, 1971: First Day of College

I arrived with the feverish anticipation that only an awkward teen finally free from the repressive hold of his parents could feel. Here I was, ready for the next big stage of my life. If only I hadn’t discovered heroin.

June 12th, 1975: First Day of Work

Why did I wear a suit to the slaughterhouse? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

July 2nd, 1976: Thinking About becoming a Writer

Got a few weeks off work due to injuries after one of the cows got hold of a knife and killed Mr. Sanford. Spent the time learning to write. The publishers at Harper’s were not impressed with my novel about a Great Black Whale. I’ll show them when another publisher picks up my story about playing catch in a wheat field.

April 8th, 1978: Honeymoon

Why would a virgin have tattoos on her labia…

September 15th, 1980: Birth of My First Child

They told me all children were born dark. It would have made me feel better if they also told me all children were born with six thousand tiny holes in their heart.

January 27th, 1989: Killed my Arch Nemesis

Lured my arch nemesis to Mexico. I craftily tricked him into crawling into the cannon that I had rented. Instead of shooting him across a waterfall as planned, he messily exploded inside. I couldn’t even get my deposit back. Stupido, stupido, stupido.

September 11th, 2001: A Day to Remember

Lost my wallet AND my keys.

November 14th, 2003:

Saw Matrix: Reloaded and Matrix: Revolutions.

January 4th, 2018: Found Out I Have a Cancer

Hey, at least it’s not testicular cancer.

January 5th, 2018: Got a Phone Call

Never mind.