A Note from the Editor, Footman #2205

Hello everyone! I hope you’re all having a happy April here at the MurderDome, I know that I have! It’s certainly been a busy couple of weeks for us here at the newsletter offices, especially after our former editor-in-chief was folded in half by Captain Superior. Whoops! The guys from R&D swear the next ray gun they build won’t blow up when Captain Superior sticks his finger in the muzzle.

Upcoming Events

April 18th – Safety Seminar: Distinguishing Between When a Heroine is Just Trying to Get the Keys From Around Your Neck and When She Really Wants To Do You, Bro.
April 20th – Our Mighty Commander Dr. Murder’s Birthday Party! Just a reminder, we’re still looking for volunteers for the Acid Dunk Tank.
May 3rd – Employee Potluck, by the Lake of Hatred. It might be a good idea that some refrain from coming so that the entire compound isn’t left undefended and Dr. Murder gets kidnapped by the UN like last time. Whoops!

The Lighter Side

Jokes by Footman #1059

Q: Who is the greatest man in the world?

A: Dr. Murder.

Q: What did Dr. Murder say to the henchman who beat him at basketball?

A: Such an event could never occur.

Q: What’s the main difference between that belligerent fool, Captain Superior, and our great leader, Dr. Murder?

A: The difference should be obvious. If you are not aware of it you will be boiled.

Coming and Going

COMING

Footmen #3490-3877

Engineers #219-393

Killatron (Death robot)

Asif Singh (intern)

Welcome to the firm, folks!

GOING

Footman #1634 (KILLED)

Footman #1635 (KILLED)

Footman #1636 (KILLED)

Footman #1637 (KILLED)

Footman #1638 (LAID OFF)

Footman #1639 (KILLED)

Footman #1640 (KILLED)

Footman #1731 (KILLED)

Footman #1874 (KILLED)

Footman #1877 (KILLED)

Footman #3489 (KILLED)

(continued on pages 2-18)

Footman #1513 Slays James Bond at Last!

Glorious news from the heart of the Murderdome! Footman #1513 managed to finally shoot James Bond last Friday, striking a blow for agents of oppression everywhere. Sitting down with our Deeds of Villainous Greatness Correspondent, #1513 recalled the electrifying scene.

“When we saw Bond, we assumed standard tactical response scenario 7B: Standing perfectly still while pouring bullets into the wall behind him. Despite out best efforts, the subject took out half our regiment with a single pistol, a buzz saw key-ring, and a bulletproof umbrella.

“Scared, injured, and drenched in our own urine, we assumed fallback positions behind Giant-Shirtless-Eyepatched-Guy-With-Chaingun, but Bond lured him into the Hall of Mirrors and he was eaten by piranhas. Left with no alternative, I decided to try something crazy so I just kind of pointed the gun and pulled the trigger as he charged towards me. Next thing you know the guy just sort of runs straight into the stream of bullets. Didn’t see it coming.”

Further eyewitness accounts describe how the lair was then bathed in a stunned silence, nothing to be heard but the mechanical voice of the count-down minion marking the seconds until the death satellite reached orbit. News of Bond’s death has been met with official condolences from all major capitals of the world, save for Washington, D.C. which ceased to exist at 12 PM Eastern Standard Time.

In recognition of his meritorious service, Footman #1513 has been promoted by Dr. Murder to Creepy-Silent-Guy-With-Metal-Skull-Who-Smokes-A-Lot. Congratulations!

_ From all of us at the Murderdome: Congratulations #1513, Employee of the Month! _

1. Which of these best describes your man’s look:

a. Fresh, stylish, and clean-cut.

b. Casual, scruffy, disheveled.

c. Easily mistaken for a floating log.

1. What’s the most romantic thing he’s likely to do:

a. Send you a love note just because.

b. Forget your anniversary.

c. Ambush a drinking zebra.

1. How does your man act around kids:

a. He’s 100% Mr. Mom!

b. He’s just as immature as they are.

c. He incubates them in a nest of compost and swamp vegetation.

1. At the mall, he’s most likely to:

a. Give you helpful tips on which shoes are cutest.

b. Take a nap in a dressing room.

c. Stealthily slip into the Cinnabon stand and devour the employees.

1. When you tell him about your new promotion at work, he:

a. Gives you a big kiss and takes you out for a night on the town.

b. Asks you to stop blocking the TV.

c. Stares uncomprehendingly before lunging at the cameraman.

1. When your man needs to relax he:

a. Takes his iPod and goes for a run.

b. Invites 20 of his closest buddies over for a raging kegger.

c. Waddles into the water and lowers his body temperature to a near-death level.

1. When a gorgeous girl walks by the two of you he:

a. Laughs and reminds you that you’re prettier.

b. Watches her walk away before whistling under his breath.

c. Slowly blinks his nictitating third eyelid, cleaning and lubricating his eye using fluid from his lacrymal ducts and allowing him to see clearly underwater in low light situations.

1. His technique in the bedroom:

a. Attentive, affectionate, and selfless.

b. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am!

c. Biting down on your neck and going into a spine-snapping death roll.

1. When taking you to dinner, he:

a. Always picks up the check.

b. Pretends he “forgot” his wallet.

c. Takes a raw chicken in his jaws and whips it around violently, tearing it into pieces so he can messily swallow it in ragged chunks.

1. Which of these is mostly likely to put him in the mood?

a. A romantic candle-lit evening, a roaring fire, and sensual music.

b. A few beers and any rerun of Baywatch.

c. Female crocodiles.

SCORING:

Add 2 points for every A answer, 1 point for every B answer, and 0 points for every C answer.

If your man scored:

15 -20 points: He’s a keeper! Hold on to this one tight, and make sure he puts a ring on your finger!

2-14 points: Kick him to the curb! This guy is a total dud and is probably poor as well!

0-1 points: Your man is a large, carnivorous, water-dwelling reptile native to rivers along the tropic. It is suggested you contact animal control or your local authorities. In the mean time, you should probably run.

_Day 1 _
Ebert : Hello everyone, and welcome back to Ebert and Roeper at the movies. Due to some of my unfortunate statements regarding the Americans with Disabilities Act, the court has ordered someone new to join us. So please welcome Blind Guy to the balcony.
Blind Guy : Hi!
Ebert : Well, let’s get right to it with our review of Mission: Impossible with Tom Cruise.
Roeper : Wow, what a blockbuster. This is the epitome of the summer movie.
Blind Guy : I don’t know. I was pretty confused.
Ebert : What do you mean? I thought it held together pretty well.
Blind Guy : Well, like that whole bit at the end where Tom Cruise kept asking if he should cut the red wire or the blue wire, and then suddenly everything’s fine. I mean, what was up with that?
Roeper : He cut the red wire.
Blind Guy : What’s red?

_Day 2 _
Blind Guy : In fact, I thought every aspect of this film was deplorable, from the weak musical score to the sickening stench of tobacco. I give this film one big thumb down.
Cigar Shop Owner : Who the hell are you?

Day 3
Roeper : I have to say this is probably the best art house feature I’ve seen all year.
Ebert : I couldn’t disagree more. This was an obvious cash-in attempt by the studio to latch onto the artsy crowd and hopefully get a nomination in the process.
Roeper : Wow, Roger, you have just become too jaded by the film industry. I applaud the studio for releasing the film in black and white.
Blind Guy : Yeah, my dog loved it.

Slowly and sexily the Lady Winderboddom unscrewed her bra straps one by one. With each violent burst of elastic, Hawthorne was one step closer to everything he’d dreamed about so messily the night before.

Her hands teasingly clasped her own grey mounds of skin. Her nipples were hard, or maybe a little soft. Hawthorne’s mouth watered; he knew before this night was done he would have all of those breasts between his legs.

“Thank god I put on two layers of condoms this morning,” he thought to himself as her last bra fell to the floor. When it seemed things couldn’t get any hotter, Lady Winderboddom squatted on the ground in front of him.

“Do you want me to blow you?” she begged, licking her lower lip. Because of their love, his passionate nods said more than words ever could. And so she blew onto his member as if trying to extinguish a great candle, and for some unknown reason, this was much more pleasurable than when he had tried it himself.

“Are you ready for my thunder?” he asked, suavely already knowing the answer.

“I’ve never been more ready in my life,” she said, her sex gushing forth with sweat.

In one swift movement he ripped her petticoat off her body, revealing her full glory. It was a really beautiful vagina. One of the best vaginas he’d ever seen. If pressed to describe it, he’d have to say it was like a big fleshy mouth with no teeth, or a leather satchel. And then they were inside each other.

“Oh wow!” she screamed with pleasure.

“Does it hurt,” he asked.

“Maybe,” she panted.

She struggled against his tenderness, again and again. Their crotches grinding together mightily, producing a pleasing symphony of squeaks and whistles.

Hawthorne knew he’d have to work fast; at the rate she was dilating, if she didn’t reach her woman’s plateau in the next five minutes, she’d probably explode. Deftly mashing his genitals around the area of her pubis, he whispered into her ear, “This is awesome.”

“Fuck yeah,” she moaned. Her body beneath him was warm and her skin as soft as his skin when lathered with conditioner.

Together they came openly and without remorse. Then again, side by side, and once more, from across the room. But though their undulations had barely just begun, they knew they must depart, for the Captain would be returning for his horse soon.

In fact, just then, the Captain’s fist struck the door loudly, sending the lovers hustling towards their clothing. “What are you doing in there?” he bellowed. “Nothing, Dad,” Hawthorne replied wittily.

It is a mighty testament to the flexibility of my character that I have agreed to publish in this sordid periodical, which is produced by a particularly degenerate cluster of Hebrews, sodomites, and sour-tongued atheists who imbibe spirits at a rate that, by all reasonable and geometric standards, should already have sent them to whatever righteous torture awaits these heretics. I suppose I have made this contribution as an act of mercy towards you, the pitiable and corrupted readership of this magazine. I offer you the chance to avert your gaze from this vile heap of burlesque scribblings and instead give you a glimpse of the venerated theological wisdom of a bygone era. Thus, without further ado, I give you my appraisal of Berkeley’s various restaurants and eateries.

Blondie’s Pizza

My question, dear reader, is whether the cuisine of an establishment ought to be indicted if it is consumed primarily by the drunken, fornicating misfits of the late night bar scene? The counter emits a twin headed hydra of swaying primates held to the ground by the force of their own backwards baseball caps. Thus, when I arrived, I employed my impressive volume in the enterprise of reaching the register. There was a collective release of grunts and mush mouthed gibberish as I forged ahead. I was quick to silence their grumbling with an authoritative declaration of purpose, “Excuse me! But I am no mere customer. I am here as a representative of one of the city’s premiere publications. Now if you will all make way, I require a sample.” I thrust a wad of moneys into the waiting clutches of the rodent-eyed harlot behind the counter whose visage had been mutilated by no less than a dozen bars, hooks, and hoops of metal, making her resemble nothing so much as the pagan voodoo doll she undoubtedly enshrines within her fetid apartment.

I had already drawn in the hearty scent of the dish past the guardrail of my full bodied mustache and into my sensitive nostrils. Placing it upon the waiting, pink rug of my tongue I first absorbed the delicate softness of the crust. But the restaurant critic cannot merely consume, he must be an instrument of aesthetic precision, so I gently sucked the grease pooled inside a pepperoni. Apparently the act made an audible noise, for several faces turned in my direction. I screamed for privacy but with my mouth full of delicious cheese and tomato sauce I accidentally sprayed a moorish thug with steaming, half chewed foodstuff. When I noted that this was a living metaphor of avian feeding practices, he failed to fully appreciate the witticism.

At this point it was clear that they had given me a slice of inadequate size. Not wanting to disturb the staff I helpfully reached over the counter to scoop up another slice more deserving of my purchase. Unfortunately, I had picked up a vegetarian slice, covered in their cabbage patch swill and obscure middle-eastern dressings which offend both one’s sense of olfaction and morality. But this was the least of my worries, for by then the small Andes tribesmen garbed in the livery of the establishment became immediately agitated, exhibiting the cultural practices of his native land via wild gesticulations and emphatic shrieks. Before I even had a chance to explain myself they hustled me out the door and chucked me onto a filthy vagrant begging for stray coinage.

Until next time, dear readers,

Ignatius J. Reilly

CIRCLE OR STAIN THE CORRECT ANSWER YOU MUST PASS WITH AN 85% TO OBTAIN CLASS 1 LICENSE

Health & Safety Section (2 Questions)

1. In the event someone on set is choking, you should:

A. Perform the Heimlich

B. Call 911

C. Remove penis(es), phallus(es), or fist(s)

D. Zoom in

1. The correct result for an HIV test is:

A. Positive

B. Negative

C. B+

D. Not Pregnant

Union Requirements (3 Questions)

1. If condoms are not available on the set, you should substitute them with:

A. Ziploc bags

B. Grocery bags

C. Garbage bags

D. Spit

1. If a performer displays anxiety about an upcoming scene, you should:

A. Rewrite the scene to address their concerns

B. Gently but firmly remind them that you still have their passport

C. Stop hiring girls who can read

D. Throw your cocaine in their face and scream, “Who almost got into USC film school?! You?? That’s what I thought!”

1. Which of these sexual positions is now illegal:

A. Reverse Cowgirl

B. Paraplegic Cowgirl

C. The Over-Turned Fruit Cart

D. The Rock Tumbler

Sexual Harassment (1 Question)

1. Which of the following statements is most accurate:

A. Sexual harassment is defined as any unwanted sexual advances in the workplace

B. Sexual harassment is a serious problem in the pornographic film industry

C. Sexual harassment is a popular genre in the pornographic film industry

D. Bitch suck it

Directorial Technique & Style (2 Questions)

1. If a performer makes a mistake during filming, you should:

A. Reshoot the Scene

B. Change the title of the film to Boy That’s Embarrassing Volume 4

C. Comfort him with an anecdote about the time you pooped on Tracy Lords

D. Rub their nose in it

1. The three elements of a male-malefemale threesome are Patience, Trust, and:

A. Empathy

B. Boners

C. Speed

D. Surprise

Essay Prompt:

Pornographic film is not merely copulation caught on tape; it is an artistic expression of beauty and life, a demonstrative art form that can raise people to the highest highs and make them face the lowest, sweatiest depths within us all. The history of pornographic film is the history of America itself.

In 200 words or less, explain why you like watching people pee.