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Volume 16- Issue 6

Fat, Black, Female Priest Actually Martin Lawrence Trying to Steal a Diamond

April 1, 2007
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The sleepy bayside community of Elk Hollow was rocked recently when their local priest, working under the alias of Katherine O’Malley, turned out to be Martin Lawrence in a fat suit. Lawrence took over the parish at Elk Hollow’s Church of St. Edward the Confessor two years ago.

“Normally the Catholic church doesn’t allow women to become priests,” said Elk Hollow’s Cardinal Quinn Murray. “I think she just charmed us all so much, what with her sassiness, blackness, and break-dancing.”

Lawrence took the job under the priestly pretense in order to steal the Church of St. Edward the Confessor’s mystical Rainbow Diamond. The diamond, given to the church by Pope John Paul II on one of his visits to America, is valued at $300 million USD.

Parish members reportedly grew suspicious when Lawrence began mass with “Wazap-wazap-WAZAAAP??” and ended with “Forreal though, where that diamond at?” Lawrence is suspected of stealing the diamond while the entire congregation was preoccupied with a rousing Soul Train-esque dance-off to “Rapper’s Delight.”

“In retrospect, probably a bad move to keep the diamond in a neighborhood church,” Cardinal Murray said. “But I drink a lot.”

Volume 16- Issue 6

The Unchosen People

April 1, 2007
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Those of the Jewish faith refer to themselves as the Chosen People. This is wrong. God never picked anyone as Chosen, and only through a series of hilarious mix-ups did the Jews ever come to this incorrect conclusion.

 

****** THE TRIALS OF ABRAHAM **

Abraham : [falling to his knees] Oh Lord, forsaken are we! Please, hear my cry and guide our people!
God : [waking up] Huh? What? Who the fuck is this?
Abraham : Mighty Lord, it is I, Abraham, your faithful servant!
God : How did you get this number?
Abraham : Oh Lord, I beg you, show us the way to salvation!
God : Uh huh. What’s in it for me?
Abraham : Ah, uh, well. Eternal worship?
God : Already have it.
Abraham : Loving admiration?
God : Made tons of angels for that purpose already. Next?
Abraham : I’ll cut the skin off the end of my dick and make all my kids do the same.
God : Holy shit. Alright, but let me know before you do it, because I want to see that.

MORE TRIALS OF ABRAHAM

Abraham : [falling to his knees] Lord, cursed is our existence on this plane!
God : [waking] Huh?! Oh, you again. What now?
Abraham :Lord, I am humble and faithful to you, but we are weak where we should be strong! How is it that I may please you?
God : [yawning] I always like a good sacrifice.
Abraham : Yes, of course Lord! Your will be done! I shall find the mightiest bull in the lands and offer him to you.
God : Animals? Boooooring. I thought you loved me. Don’t you have any family to sacrifice? Sack up, Abe.
Abraham : Family?! That’s fucking insan– Ah, excuse me Lord. Yes, my son Isaac, strongest of my progen–
God : Great, have him on my desk by Sunday. Hey, does this beard make my ass look big?

THE TRIALS OF MOSES

Moses : [falling to his knees] Lord, show yourself to me, and reveal our path!
God : Oh great, more of you. What now?
Moses : Lord, your Chosen People are slaves to the Pharaoh! Our faith is strong, but we are dying in droves at the hands of the Egyptians!
God : Wait, who is this?
Moses : It is I, Lord, Moses!
God : Hoo boy. Alright Boses–
Moses : Moses, sir.
God : Right, Moses. Here’s what I’ll do, Moe. I’ll fill the streets with blood, rats, frogs, and beasts, kill all their cattle, cover the people in boils, bring hail, locusts, darkness, and then kill all their first born children.
Moses : I… Huh. Wow. I was just hoping for some health insurance.
God : Nah, I’ve dealt with people like this before. Don’t worry.
Moses : Are you sure? Killing all their children? Don’t you think that’s going to exacerbate the situation?
God : Eh.

**FURTHER TRIALS OF MOSES **

Moses : [falling to his knees] Lord, the Pharaoh’s army has been swept away and we have fled his rule! Praise be to you, my Lord!
God : Fuck, you again?
Moses : Lord, you have done so much, I only ask that you guide us to the land of Israel.
God : Uh huh. Listen, I’m putting out a lot of bush fires up here, I’m pretty busy.
Moses : Mighty God, I beseech you, please show us the way!
God : [sighing] Fine. Head out into the desert and I’ll talk to you again soon.
Moses : As you wish, Lord! How long will we be there?
God : Two, three days. Tops. Also, I’m sick of you jerks thinking you’re so high and mighty. Institute some law and order.
Moses : At once, Lord! What sort of law?
God : Basic stuff. Single women can’t be with men after sunset, you don’t show the top of your head to me, never shave your beard.
Moses : That uh… Well, you’re the boss. What shall we call these laws?
God : [sneezes]
Moses : Halakha it is!

Volume 16- Issue 5

Volume 16, Issue 5: Who Will We Choose

February 1, 2007
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Volume 16- Issue 5

Goomba War Journal

February 1, 2007
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A New Leader, A New Hope

A friend of mine brought me to a political rally today. The speaker had a brilliant two-point plan for reformation:

1) Kidnap the princess.

2) (To Be Announced)

Surely this Bowser is a revolutionary worth dying for. Also he was 14 feet tall and could breathe fire.

Joining Up

My mother cried, and I promised my fiancé I would write her everyday. Oh how I will miss her menacing unibrow and pronounced underbite on the cold, lonely nights to come. They’ve promised me 20,000 coins for college. When I get out, I want to become an orthopedic surgeon. Maybe then I can make myself some arms.

Issuing Supplies at Boot Camp

Today, our allies the Koopas lined up to receive their shells, wings, undershirts, helmets, throwing hammers, pipe-anchors for vicious piranha traps, squid tentacles, spines, giant bullet launchers, swinging columns of fire, or immortal skeleton bodies. Meanwhile, gracious King Bowser has provided us Goombas with shoes.

News From the Front Line

My brother Goomberto was killed today. There was no funeral, no trumpet sounded, only a single frame of animation. I hope Mario chokes on those blood-tainted 100 points and his dreams are haunted by the hideous ploopy sound of Goomberto’s flattening.

Relief From the Rear Guard

Weary from fighting, our division was relieved today by a highflying Lakitu. We all cheered as he swooped down in his flying cloud, attempting to decapitate our sworn enemy Mario. Morale took a hard hit when Mario kicked the Lakitu’s head in and took off in his flying cloud. I joked that it was the biggest victory ever for the Italian Air Force, but no one else laughed.

Comrades in Arms

I hung out with the Bob-omb squadron today. I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to live every day knowing that you could be sent out to blow yourself up at a moment’s notice. All I know is those guys are pretty fucked up. They spent the whole day torturing Bullet-Bills with a hacksaw and reading eastern philosophy. They don’t eat anything that can’t scream. And now that I think about it, for guys made mostly of gunpowder they sure smoke a lot of cigarettes.

A Break in the Fighting

Army Command sent us a special present today to boost our spirits. Bowser and the Princess arrived and did a Laurel and Hardy style comedy act for us all. Bowser had some great jokes about impregnating the Princess with horrible lizard babies, and some real “A” material about what he planned to eventually do with her corpse. I didn’t find her jokes about sobbing and begging for mercy as funny though, but I’ve never liked female standup comedians.

The Final Face-off

It was the kind of day made for battle: sunny blue skies with cheerful, synthesized background music. As I sighted the enemy, I stuck to the plan: I walked slowly across my platform, never wavering in direction or facial expression. But despite my advance, that damned plumber leaped straight over me, as if somehow privy to my attack strategy! There’s clearly a mole in our midst. Or there will be, when we move to Super Nintendo.

Afterthoughts

Why the hell weren’t we trained to stop at the edges of cliffs?!? As I continue falling in endless limbo, waiting to be respawned when Mario restarts this level, I can only hope that the obstacle of my moving body was enough to make him misjudge a jump and fall to his doom. Unfortunately, I didn’t see what happened, as I was walking sideways, according to plan.

Volume 16- Issue 5

A Very Few Special Entries in the Diary of Genghis Khan

February 1, 2007
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March 4, 1187 AD

Today one of my more talkative concubines suggested that I should get a girlfriend. A girlfriend, she said, is a lot like a concubine, except you can’t have sex with other more attractive concubines, and that, get this, when she cries you actually have to beat her less instead of more. Wow, where do I sign?! Just kidding, that sounds retarded.

March 11, 1187 AD

I have decided to give this girlfriend thing a shot, if only out of boredom; I grow weary of my usual leisure activities, which consist of exiling my inferiors for insubordination and punching cattle. Tomorrow I am going “on the prowl,” which is what men without concubines call a girlfriend hunt.

March 12, 1187 AD

Although I seized plenty of women on my girlfriend hunt, none of them wanted to be my girlfriend. One of my generals suggested that I came on too strong when I brought twelve legions of my finest warriors into  the singles bar and slaughtered thousands. I took his words to heart, and then exiled him for  insubordination.

March 18, 1187 AD

I tried an ancient Mongolian remedy for my woman problems: Match.com. My Match.com profile slaughtered thousands of other Match.com profiles.

March 22, 1187 AD

So Match.com finally worked. I’m supposed to go out tomorrow for Mongolian barbecue with some girl. I fucking hate Mongolian barbecue. And even though I’m dealing with the weaker and inferior sex, apparently I’m expected to wear my least filthy fur coat and have less lamb sinew in my teeth than usual. Already I feel more whipped than a Chinese slave.

March 23, 1187 AD

So the date actually went really well. I don’t know just quite what it is, but when I was with her, I experienced the opposite of murderous rage. At dinner we talked and talked and it turns out that we like all the same things: ruthless conquest, ritualistic torture, the new Justin Timberlake CD. We went to the park and fed the birds, then ate them. I did what some of my men call “holding hands,” which is strange and difficult to explain but I’ll try: touching her without entering her unwillingly.

April 14, 1187 AD

Today is a ver y special day indeed. We watched the sun set over the plains as we lay next to one another, picking the ticks out of each other’s armpit hair. Afterwards, we went back to my yurt and drank rice-wine. One thing led to another, and I discovered something very beautiful indeed. Women can produce their own lubrication.

May 8, 1189 AD

So we’ve been going out for about two years now, and I thought I had waited long enough. Today I told her this: out of all the girls I’ve met, I can honestly say that you are the one I’ve had the least desire to discipline. I asked her to marry me, and she said yes! I feel as if I have become a changed man; the only thing I slaughtered this day is loneliness.

Volume 16- Issue 5

Scientists Yet Again Start Work on Project Other than Rocket Car

February 1, 2007
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Research and Development teams at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have reportedly begun work on a new project. When asked at a press conference how this project would affect the development of the rocket car, developers replied that the current project is “totally unrelated to the rocket car” and “much more important” and “actually practical.”

“Who the hell do they think they are?” asked Dr. Carla Zhang. “I’ve been waiting 13 years for the rocket car, it’s not going to invent itself!” When asked why the prospect of the rocket car was so significant to her, Zhang replied, “Cuz it’s like a regular car…but it would go real fast and stuff.”

Other skeptics have voiced that the scientists’ new project is “selfish” and “couldn’t be nearly as awesome.” The research team have consistently refused to answer subsequent questions about their project, including “How fast does it go?” and “How many rockets are on it?” and “Wait wait wait… to clarify one more time, it’s NOT a rocket car?”

While the scientists continue to dodge the press’ questions, they hold firm to their original statement that lightsaberchainsaw-blender is a worthwhile endeavor.

Volume 16- Issue 5

Five Hipsters: A Play in One Act

February 1, 2007
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Begin Act I **
**Hipster No. 1 : [Entering room.] Hey guys, what’s up?
Hipster No. 2 : Hey man.
Hipster No. 3 : Sup.
Hipster No. 4 : Manao ahoana.
No. 2 : Malagasy? Nice. [They give each other high fives, followed by folding their arms and staring awkwardly at the floor.]

[Five minutes of pretentious silence.]
No. 1 : …so I heard the Arcade Fire is coming out with a new album.
No. 3 : Whoa! The Arcade Fire. They were good until they got big, which retroactively ruined every note they ever played. Even frat boys listen to them now.

[_The other four hipsters hiss at the mention of fraternities. Posters of Devendra Banhart rustle, an eight track vibrates on a table and falls to the floor, framed artsy photos of hands, fingers, and a giant toenail

tremble on the dingy walls.]
No. 1 : [_Defensively.] Well what are YOU listening to?
No. 3 : You probably haven’t heard of them.
No. 4 : Kraftwerk. Today is Tuesday, and I only listen to Kraftwerk on Tuesdays.
No. 2 : [Indifferently.] MC Hammer and Lionel Ritchie.
Other Hipsters : [With jealous admiration.] Oooooo….
No. 1 : Wow, that’s so bad and so fifteen years ago, it’s cool.
No. 3 : Man, I wish I thought of that first, but these pants I bought from a vintage store are so tight I can’t think straight. Do your balls hurt all the time too?
No. 2 : [Dodging the question.] I know, I know. I love/hate the combination so much, just like I love/hate my full beard and your Borat mustache so much. In fact, if you get me, I really love/hate it.
No. 3 : Sorry man, my bi phase ended last week after a leather clad biker love/hated me in the bathroom of a Mountain Goats show.
No. 4 : How was the show?
No. 3 : I love/hated it.
Hipster No. 5 : [Walking in.] Joom reab soor.
No. 1 : Cambodian? How bougie. He already rocked Malagasy.

[Pointing to Hipster No. 2 who sighs melodramatically.]
No. 5 : [More depressed than usual.] Fuck!
No. 1 : …but your cardigan sort of rocks.
No. 2 : For sure.
No. 3 : Awesome.
No. 4 : Totally chouette. But you know what that means, since we all think its cool, it’s now officially gay.
No. 5 : Fuuuuuck!
No. 3 : How Nietzsche of us.
No. 1 : Please don’t use the word gay in a derogatory manner. I thought I was gay once, but it turned out I just enjoy listening to Sufjan Stevens.
No. 5 : [Sadly gazing at his cardigan.] I guess that’s the end of that chapter. [Flinging it into the fireplace, where it whispers My Morning Jacket lyrics before dissolving in flame.] I guess now I’ll just have to increase the level of irony on all my T-shirts. [He takes out a pen and turns his “I love Ohio!” shirt into “I love Ohio!?”]
No. 2 : Hey, we’ve been in this room for longer than 20 minutes, it’s becoming lame fast.
No. 3 : I agree, let’s go to a bar that we pretend is a dive bar just because it serves cheap alcohol. You know, since we’re all too afraid to go to a real dive bar.
No. 1, 4, and 5 : Agreed!

[They walk outside.]
No. 1 : Hey! We all rode fixed-gear bikes here again!

[They all fall to the ground laughing, laughing, and laughing.]
End Act I

Volume 16- Issue 5

Porn Director License Test

February 1, 2007

CIRCLE OR STAIN THE CORRECT ANSWER YOU MUST PASS WITH AN 85% TO OBTAIN CLASS 1 LICENSE

Health & Safety Section (2 Questions)

  1. In the event someone on set is choking, you should:

A. Perform the Heimlich

B. Call 911

C. Remove penis(es), phallus(es), or fist(s)

D. Zoom in

  1. The correct result for an HIV test is:

A. Positive

B. Negative

C. B+

D. Not Pregnant

Union Requirements (3 Questions)

  1. If condoms are not available on the set, you should substitute them with:

A. Ziploc bags

B. Grocery bags

C. Garbage bags

D. Spit

  1. If a performer displays anxiety about an upcoming scene, you should:

A. Rewrite the scene to address their concerns

B. Gently but firmly remind them that you still have their passport

C. Stop hiring girls who can read

D. Throw your cocaine in their face and scream, “Who almost got into USC film school?! You?? That’s what I thought!”

  1. Which of these sexual positions is now illegal:

A. Reverse Cowgirl

B. Paraplegic Cowgirl

C. The Over-Turned Fruit Cart

D. The Rock Tumbler

Sexual Harassment (1 Question)

  1. Which of the following statements is most accurate:

A. Sexual harassment is defined as any unwanted sexual advances in the workplace

B. Sexual harassment is a serious problem in the pornographic film industry

C. Sexual harassment is a popular genre in the pornographic film industry

D. Bitch suck it

Directorial Technique & Style (2 Questions)

  1. If a performer makes a mistake during filming, you should:

A. Reshoot the Scene

B. Change the title of the film to Boy That’s Embarrassing Volume 4

C. Comfort him with an anecdote about the time you pooped on Tracy Lords

D. Rub their nose in it

  1. The three elements of a male-malefemale threesome are Patience, Trust, and:

A. Empathy

B. Boners

C. Speed

D. Surprise

Essay Prompt:

Pornographic film is not merely copulation caught on tape; it is an artistic expression of beauty and life, a demonstrative art form that can raise people to the highest highs and make them face the lowest, sweatiest depths within us all. The history of pornographic film is the history of America itself.

In 200 words or less, explain why you like watching people pee.

Volume 16- Issue 5

Species of Step-Parents: A Taxonomical Survey

February 1, 2007
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Villainous Disney Stepmother **
_Cruella De Mommus _
**Description : Tall, bony, and overdressed, possibly with an upturned nose.
Where she met your dad : Real mother’s funeral.
Method of Wooing : Icy glare and/or magic spells.
For Your Birthday : Shiny red apple.
Quote : “If you really love me you’ll send your daughter to that haunted boarding school.”
Chance of beating : You’ll soon discover emotional scars run deeper than physical ones.

Jesus-Loves-You Stepmom **
_Holier Thanowicus _
**Description : Your father finally realized that what he needed in life was a moral anchor; a person of unquestionable judgment, unshakeable faith, and total moral authority.
Where she met your dad : AA.
Method of Wooing : Handjob during church.
For Your Birthday : Signed photo of Jesus.
Quote : “You’ll thank me for this when you’re dead.”
Chance of Beating : Depends, are you better than Jesus?

Other Mommy
_Feminius Mustachius _
Description : Here to set your mother straight about how she’s been living her life.
Where she met your mom : Where curiosity and tequila meet.
Method of Wooing : Thelma & Louise DVD.
For Your Birthday : Reusable menstrual cup, cake.
Quote : “Stop crying, I think that parent-teacher conference went great.”
Chance of Beating : Gender dependent.

Abusive Stepdad **
_Backius Handius _
**Description : Their meeting was serendipitous; she was ready to love again, and he was finally out of prison.
Where he met your mom : Courtordered Anger Management.
Method of Wooing : A beating.
For Your Birthday : A beating.
Quote : “I’m gonna give you such a beating!”
Chance of Beating : Likely.

Ten-Years-Your-Senior Stepdad
Dudius Maximus _
Description : “Yeah, he’s TWENTY EIGHT Stan! How do you fucking like that, huh? How old is that bleached blonde whorebag trophy of yours? Sixty? [_sound of bottle dropping]”
Where he met your mom : Community college pottery class.
Method of Wooing : Marijuana.
For Your Birthday : Gift Certificate to the car audio shop he works at.
Quote : “Man, your mom is HOT.”
Chance of Beating : He can probably take you in Gears of War, but you’ll destroy him in NBA 2k7.

Mom-Could-Do-Better-Than-This Stepdad
_Averagus Extremis _
Description : I guess he’s alright.
Where he met your mom : On the rebound.
Method of Wooing : Steady and unremarkable companionship.
For Your Birthday : Coupons.
Quote : “Heyyyy there …. Kiddo ….”
Chance of Beating : Slim to none.

Volume 16- Issue 5

Ebert & Roeper & Blind Guy – At the Movies

February 1, 2007

_Day 1 _
Ebert : Hello everyone, and welcome back to Ebert and Roeper at the movies. Due to some of my unfortunate statements regarding the Americans with Disabilities Act, the court has ordered someone new to join us. So please welcome Blind Guy to the balcony.
Blind Guy : Hi!
Ebert : Well, let’s get right to it with our review of Mission: Impossible with Tom Cruise.
Roeper : Wow, what a blockbuster. This is the epitome of the summer movie.
Blind Guy : I don’t know. I was pretty confused.
Ebert : What do you mean? I thought it held together pretty well.
Blind Guy : Well, like that whole bit at the end where Tom Cruise kept asking if he should cut the red wire or the blue wire, and then suddenly everything’s fine. I mean, what was up with that?
Roeper : He cut the red wire.
Blind Guy : What’s red?

_Day 2 _
Blind Guy : In fact, I thought every aspect of this film was deplorable, from the weak musical score to the sickening stench of tobacco. I give this film one big thumb down.
Cigar Shop Owner : Who the hell are you?

Day 3
Roeper : I have to say this is probably the best art house feature I’ve seen all year.
Ebert : I couldn’t disagree more. This was an obvious cash-in attempt by the studio to latch onto the artsy crowd and hopefully get a nomination in the process.
Roeper : Wow, Roger, you have just become too jaded by the film industry. I applaud the studio for releasing the film in black and white.
Blind Guy : Yeah, my dog loved it.