Aries (3/21-4/20)

Single?   Cautious Saturn says that your landlord is likely to finally call the police on you, so now might be a good time to steal all the copper wire and flee the county. 

Hooking? _  _Remember to keep your composure when a phone call from your biological father reminds you of the time he made you have sex with his boss.

Taurus (4/21-5/21)

Single?   The stars remind you to keep on your toes this month.  When your friends and family track you down to stage an intervention, make sure you’re in an uninterruptible heroin coma. 

Hooking?   Venus in your house all week means that Big Jimmy must have kicked her out again.

Gemini (5/22-6/23)

Single?   This is a good month to turn over a new leaf.  Throw away that old pipe and fashion yourself a new one out of an old light bulb. 

Hooking?   A series of police sting operations will provide you with an excellent opportunity to ask for a promotion.

**C**** ancer (6/24-7/22) **

Single?   You’ve been working too hard lately.  The free clinic can you help you unwind after a week of stressful needle drugs. 

Hooking?  Rowdy Jupiter in the third house suggests you might want to watch out for eye infections this month.

Leo (7/23-8/22)

Single?   Don’t rush things with that boy you’ve had your eye on.  Wait a couple weeks before introducing him to your child with fetal alcohol syndrome. 

Hooking**** ?  This week will test your courage when a john wants to shit in your mouth.  Trust your instincts.

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

Single?   You will be conflicted as to the level of relief you will feel when you learn that the burning sensation you thought was gonorrhea is actually an old cigarette burn. 

Hooking?   Chaos in your astral alignment would normally suggest that you should consider a career change, but it should be clear by now that you can’t and that you’re trapped in this life forever, ha ha ha.

Libra (9/23-10/23)

Single**** ?  Tread lightly with your relationships this week.  Tensions will flare when you realize that a friend has been stealing your penicillin. 

Hooking?   Take a break from all the hustle and bustle!  Organize a girl’s night in watching Pretty Woman and sobbing.

Scorpio (10/24-11/21)

Single?   This week, remember:  emotional scars don’t heal, but neither do burns you get from nodding off while freebasing. 

Hooking? _  _The stars offer this hot tip: occasionally look him in the eye while going down on him; he’ll be guilted into tipping you more.

**Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)
**

Single?  Be prepared for a surprise this week when a lover from the past comes back to haunt you in the form of hepatitis. 

Hooking?   Mars colliding with Saturn this month will be a lot less painful than the butt of Devón’s pistol after he catches you stealing his blow.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

Single?   Be sure to tell your family about your imminent TV stardom, but make sure to warn them that the first half hour of _Maury _can be pretty slow. 

Hooking?   The stars say this month might be a good time to induce a miscarriage.  On a budget?  Falling down a flight of stairs offers a cheap alternative to conventional Western medicine, such as running your car into a tree or being punched in a bar fight.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

Single?   The perfect man is just around the corner.  Specifically, he’s in the alleyway behind the methadone clinic vomiting black. 

Hooking?   You’ll soon reconsider your friend’s kind gesture when you realize the blind date she’s set you up with is her virgin brother with autism.

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

Single?   This is a week for serendipity.  Ask one of your friends that has a GED what serendipity is. 

Hooking?   Treat yourself this weekend by stocking up on makeup for the spring season bruises.

Many know about In’n’Out’s “Secret Menu,” which includes popular but not officially announced delicacies such as Protein Burgers and Animal Style fries. But only a select few members of a highly selective selection committee know about In’N’Out’s Secret Secret Menu. These burgers are so secret, even the FDA won’t approve them.

Name: Sushi Burger

Description: This uncooked delicacy owes its rich taste to the retention of the animal’s juices. This is how they eat a burger in Japan, where it is tradition to die after eating burgers.

Ingredients: Chuck ground plus bun minus warmth

Calories: 425 (burger), 30 (E. Coli)

Goes Well With: Clawing at your own stomach, groaning

Name: Real Protein Burger

Description: The meal of choice for aspiring triple bypass patients. This burger caters to the carb-conscious by eliminating starchy buns and healthily replacing them with silly Atikins diet bullshit. Those looking for a little more adventure can get the Real Protein Cheeseburger, which replaces the slice of cheese with another patty.

Ingredients: Three burgers, genius.

Calories: 8003

Goes Well With: Health insurance.

Name: Animal Style Milkshake

Description: A scrumptious six-pound concoction of milk, chocolate ice cream, and Thousand Island dressing. This was adopted by In-N-Out after it tested well with focus group members, who participated in a carefully designed double-blind test and were baked.

Ingredients: Ice cream, milk, grilled onions, Thousand Island dressing, crumbled-up Funyuns purchased at a nearby convenience store

Calories: Imagine, like, the biggest number in the world

Goes Well With: Staring into space and giggling

Name: Fat Shakespeare

Description: Designed for the well-read fast food connoisseur, this salubrious sandwich is inspired by the Shakespearean sonnet. No one gets this burger except English majors.

Ingredients: Four patties, four onions, four tomatoes, a couplet of cheese.

Calories: A fort-calorie.

Goes Well With: The smaller, more accessible Cliff’s Notes Burger.

Name: The Oeuvre

Description: “Waste not, want not, “ is the guiding principle behind this burger, which contains things that most homeless people would waste. Compiled from ingredients of every menu item In and Out has to offer, the Oeuvre is over 30 cubic feet of fixin’s served in a trash bag, with complementary trowel.

Ingredients: All.

Calories: One hundred kabillion.

Goes Well With: Mayonnaise.

Name: Fries “Mineral” Style

Description: The fossilized remains of uneaten Upper Pleistocene fries, getting your fries done “Mineral” style requires 2.8 million years advanced notice and favorable sedimentary conditions.

Ingredients: Fries, the cold stroke of time unyielding.

Calories: 9 Kj when used as fuel for trains.

Goes Well With: 10,000 BC Merlot.

My last semester at Cal roughly resembles an Isaac Asimov short story in which an intrepid interstellar explorer lands on a mysterious and seemingly deserted ice planet, only to discover that the University of California at Berkeley has expelled him for misconduct. For those of you who don’t read or are idiots, I’ll dispense with the metaphorical bullshit: this means that I am in trouble for illegal acts that I have allegedly done. I say “allegedly” because the police have no evidence that those Molotov cocktails I tossed over my shoulder weren’t in self-defense. Also, they have no proof that Chancellor Birgeneau’s Mercedes wasn’t stolen by an elite criminal organization, who had deviously framed me by planting my fingerprints, blood, hair, sweat, dead skin cells, and semen all over the front seat.

And now, I’m on the lam. I’m hiding in an undisclosed Latin American country and waiting for things to blow over before I return to finish my bachelor’s degree under an assumed identity. It’s a perfect plan: no one will suspect Friedrich, the mild-mannered German exchange student who is majoring in Legal Studies, enjoys rugby, and speaks fluent Spanish for some reason.

But I must admit I worry sometimes. When I wake up every morning I  fear that I may be seized the long arm of UCPD, with its unchecked powers of sending mass emails about crime and yelling at students on bikes. So don’t think I’m on easy street: my paranoia knows no bounds. Even sunlight scares me: I put iron shutters on the windows and then painted those shudders black while thinking very hard about eclipses.

I guess I’m telling you all this because I want to say this: enjoy your college years while you can, and live without regrets. My dad used to say that people who have regrets are like people who don’t rob Chancellor Birgeneau: they’re not my son.

(Camera pans stylishly over the façade of a modest two-bedroom house in suburbia. Cue theme music, which is either Kanye West’s “Stronger” or Kanye West’s “Stronger (Remix).” The door opens to reveal a pregnant woman wearing a loose-fitting T-shirt and sandals. She smiles and waves.)
Woman : What’s up MTV! This is Sara Eckhart, and this is my crib. Come on in! Let me show you around.

(camera follows woman into the bathroom)
Sara : All my pregnant homies tell me, you ain’t a player unless you’ve got a solid gold toilet into which you can throw up each morning.

(goes into bedroom, playfully sprawls across bed, teasingly traces finger along pillow)
Sara : Aww yeah, MTV. This is where the magic happens. And by magic I mean my husband no longer finds me attractive.

**

Sara (opens refrigerator)**: Let me show you something real interesting: the foods I have. (Jump cuts over foods in fridge) This fridge is tricked out, yo! I got everything from pickles to ice cream to additional pickles—I got the hookup, man! It is never enough.

**

Sara (pointing to sink)**: This is where we’re gonna bathe my kid. We got one of those baths that tells you the temperature. It cost us a damn C-note, but that’s just how we roll. Scalding babies is for scrubs. So is making them cold. I can’t remember which is worse. I gotta read my b-b-b-baby books, son!

**

Sara**: This is where my little baby’s gonna go! (gives crib a quick jiggle, laughs) Chekkitycheck this shabby chic dust ruffle–we collaborated with an interior designer to create a gender nonspecific space for our unborn child, yo.
Husband : (whispering desperately at wife’s uterus) Boyboyboyboyboy…

**

Sara**: (opens closet) I got tons of clothes up in here, none of which fit because I’m so phat.
Husband : I think you want “fat,” honey.
Sara : . . . yes.

**

Sara**: So you’ve seen my baby stuff. Why don’t I show you my other baby: my mo’fuckin’ 2001 PT Cruiser.

(about a dozen seizure-inducing jump cuts of a purple PT Cruiser)
Sara : Yeah, I’ve got crazy stories about me and my bitches rollin’ through the city, hitting up clubs and dancing like it wuddin’ nothing. (sigh) But that was then. (more jump cuts fill the awkward silence)