Palestinian Militants Seize Aladdin’s Lamp

The Palestinian nationalist group Hamas recently announced that their January breach of the Egyptian border at Gaza was not for “food” and “supplies,” but instead for the lamp containing the Genie from Disney’s Aladdin. After a pitched battle with Egyptian soldiers bearing Kalashnikovs and scimitars, Hamas managed to obtain the lamp and carry it deep into their own territory. The lamp now rests behind Hamas’ most formidable line of defense: a tattered tent guarded by only the strongest children armed with rocks.

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas became the first to take advantage of the lamp’s wish-granting powers. “Israel!” he shouted, rubbing the ancient artifact furiously. “Come on!”

Despite Abbas’s best efforts, his people were not instantly established in the land for which they have fought so hard. “Fooled you!” chortled Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak. “I already used up all the wishes, and the lamp’s powers are useless.” He then sauntered into his beach-side pyramid which housed a harem of Angelina Jolies.

The Genie of the Lamp, known to Americans as Robin Williams, could not be reached for comment, as The Squelch is trapped for eternity in the Cave of Wonders because someone just had to have that goddamn ruby.