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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 5- Issue 1

Top Ten Reasons to Invade Haiti

September 1, 1994
  1. Manifest Destiny.
  2. Find magic voodoo potion for Hillary’s hair.
  3. Clinton itching for Caribbean harem.
  4. To release pent-up frustration from health-care fiasco.
  5. To stave off impending invasion of U.S.
  6. We’re bigger than they are.
  7. Re-assert world dominance through crushing defeat of entire crack 23-member Haitian military.
  8. To insure Republican victory in ’96.
  9. It’s closer than Bosnia.
  10. Need island retreat to keep Gore daughters tan ‘n’ succulent.
Volume 4- Issue 5

Volume 4, Issue 5: Secret Sproul Architecture

March 1, 1994
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Volume 4- Issue 5

Top Ten Reasons Cal Lost In The First Round of NCAA Tournament

March 1, 1994
  1. Players’ inability to count led them to believe that they were in fact ahead.
  2. Unanimous decision made by players to spend more time on schoolwork.
  3. Team was paid off by Clinton administration so that Arkansas would win.
  4. Death of John Candy still weighed heavily upon everyone’s minds.
  5. They already had enough frequent flyer miles to last a lifetime.
  6. Wave of benevolence felt for team with lower ranking overcame Bears.
  7. Players were stressing over finals, forgetting the fact that Berkeley is on the semester system
  8. Berkeley plot to keep Jason Kidd here for another year.
  9. Neutral game site was too confusing.
  10. Other team was better.
Volume 4- Issue 5

Top Ten Asian Rock Groups

March 1, 1994
  1. Slantana
  2. Raw Phish
  3. Too Short (you know, the rapper?)
  4. Pearl Harbor Jam
  5. Sushi and the Banshees
  6. Snoop Doggy Dogg-eater
  7. KimCheecago
  8. Rice-Cube
  9. Screaming Bonsais
  10. Toyota the Wet Sprocket
Volume 4- Issue 5

Top Five Reasons Oompa Loompas are Orange

March 1, 1994
  1. Interracial marriages between red and yellow dwarves.
  2. Used to work in Crayola(tm) factory before chocolate factory.
  3. They have ingested too many carrots (usually orally, but not always).
  4. What the hell’s an Oompa Loompa?
  5. They eat goldfishes.