Nobody ever really reads this anyway. But once again, we’re close to deadline and we have a shitload of space to fill, so I sit here now. I quote Thoreau, who once said “Life is just a great big tree,” or something like that. There was a man who knew what the hell he was talking about. Unlike myself. I sincerely hope you like this issue. Well, actually, I don’t really give a shit one way or the other, so long as you patronize the merchants who advertise with us.
I’m in someone’s room whom I’ve never met before. Her name is Carolyn. She was nice enough to let us use her computer. Her room is pretty messy and she smokes Camels. Warning to Carolyn: The surgeon general has recently determined that smoking looks cool but can harm you. I recommend smoking something else. Like weed. I know where you could buy some cheap, too.
I recently attended the GOP state convention. I needed a laugh, and they gave me several. Plus a lot of free beer. I asked a lot of people whom they wanted to run in ’96. Most of them said Reagan. It was pretty pathetic, but what the hell. Saturday Night Live was a rerun that night. What was very ironic was that I saw a lot of ASUC senators there. People who would cringe if they knew you found out they were Republicans. I won’t say their names here, but there were more than you would think. It’s pretty tempting, though. I think we all need to ask ourselves this question: What has the ASUC done for us lately? I know they’ve helped me to become a better person. I treat people with more respect and kindness because of them.
I quote Nirvana. Well, maybe not. That would just be wrong. Although not as serious as quoting Pearl Jam. I think that we need to get rid of grunge. It’s stupid. I knew that it had reached an all-time low when I saw a couple of 12 year-olds wearing baggy jeans and ski caps. You could tell that they were still nerds at their junior high school. But they w/ere really trying to fit in. it kind of brought a tear to my eye for a moment. I’m over it now.
Carolyn has just announced that she has a plan for her life after she graduates. I really feel like I’ve bonded with her in these last twenty minutes. I wish her success and happiness. I hope that she does not become like all the other graduates who are bitter because their degree got them a job at Adia temporary services.
So enough about me, let’s talk about you. This whole journalism thing is so one-sided. I can’t wait until next issue when the Squelch goes interactive. Then we can get feedback from our beloved readers. FUCK–HOW MUCH MORE ROOM DO I HAVE TO FILL? Our readers are the most important thing to us. For without them, we are nothing.
Sometimes, I just lie awake in my haystack at night and stare at the stars. I think of a long-ago time, when the Squelch was funny. When professors held our interest for more than ten minutes. Beer was fun. The Greek system was flourishing. There was an exciting natural disaster every few weeks to keep you on your toes. But that was a long time ago.
I think that if you’re reading this in lecture, you should take a good long look at the person sitting next to you. Do you find them attractive? You have to look at them from the corner of your eye so they don’t notice. But what if they’re reading this, too? Then you’re both thinking about each other. Maybe that person is your future soul-mate. (I hear that soul-mates are rarely found at the undergraduate level, however.) But the possibilities are endless. Perhaps you should get to know them better. Go ahead. Ask for their notes after class. You know you can do it. Come on. Just because you had no social skills in high school and sat in your room reading all the time. They’ll accept you.
Fortunately for all of us, I’m almost at the end of this “editorial” or “filler” as we refer to them at the city desk in our corporate offices. Sometimes, I wonder if toddlers know they’re being annoying when they write to us. Somehow, I think they plan it all. I know I do. If there was more time, I would love to tell you all my toddler stories, but I’m afraid that you’ll have to wait until the next issue. You really should tune in. And now, here’s Josh…
Hi. I’m Josh. I got mugged. They say it didn’t cause any brane damge. I beleeve them. I like eggs. I just went pee in my pants. I have to go now. Barney’s on. Bye. -Steve and Josh rule.