Best of Squelch Classifieds

Hairy feminist seeks same. Send photo of legs to Gretta Box 14.

Freshman rushee needs retro-hip Elvis attire to appear ironic to frat brothers. Ernie, KA

Agoraphobic, asexual transvestite seeks non-smoking trapeze artist for swinging good time. Call Freddy, 222-1748.

Kevin: For the last time, stop using my name on your stupid show. My husband is getting very angry. I don’t understand your obsession; we went out a few times 23 years ago. Get over it! The “Wonder Years” weren’t. –Winnie

Female engineering major seeks male to lead on in exchange for lab reports.

6’11” undergrad., worshipper of the sun god Ra, seeks female companion for love-making and ritual sacrifices. I drink my own urine and touch myself often in public. Do we have anything in common? Call Orko, 3-7869. No weirdos, please.

Campus “humor” newspaper seeks new editors-in-chief to replace bitter, detached-from-reality current staff. No experience necessary. Will train. Call Steve at 540-6608. Please.

For Sale: 1985 3-speed “Grinder” vibrator. Runs well (rebuilt motor), looks new. Have boyfriend, must sell. 746-9467. $8.95 OBO.

Pookie: Tuesday was rad. I’m still hung. –P.J.