Sprightly leprechaun seeks shamrock nymph to be my lovely lass. You are two feet tall, love all things green, and have a deep appreciation for marshmallows. I am cheery-giddy, fortified with eight essential vitamins, and magically delicious! No IRA, please. L. Charms, Dublin.

For sale: One AK-47 machine gun, used to threaten but never fired. 20 rounds per second, adjustable speed, laser scope, tri-pod. $50 obo. Inquire during Miss Johnson’s 5th period English class, Berkeley High. Ask for Timmy.