- Firing of the White House kitchen staff
- “Don’t ask, don’t tell”
- Vincent Foster
- Whitewater
- Hillary
- Health Care
- NAFTA
- China
- Haiti
- Bosnia
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Latest Issue
Top Ten Reasons We Fought the Civil War
- “Tastes great” / “Less filling”
- To provide the inspiration for the Franklin Mint(tm) Civil War Chess
Set. - So that white men could only exploit women and animals.
- The North was feeling rejected.
- The devil made us do it.
- Oil. (oops, wrong war.)
- To provide endless material for T.V. movies.
- English professors really wanted to have Red Badge of Courage.
- Nobody wanted to redraw the map of the United States.
- To free the slaves.
Top Ten Come-On Lines from the American Revolution
- …you wanna Minute Man?
- …who needs liberty when you’ve got libido?
- …wanna get tarred and feathered?
- …I’m into life, liberty, and the pursuit of a good piece of ass.
- …the British are coming, so why ain’t we?
- …you’re suspected for sedition, so I’ve gotta pump you for
information. - …I got your “Sovereign Nation.”
- Hey, baby, I’m Thomas Paine.
- Hey, baby, wanna play “Paul Revere” and ride my pony?
- Hey, baby, my musket’s loaded. Got a target?
Top Ten Reasons Cal Lost In The First Round of NCAA Tournament
- Players’ inability to count led them to believe that they were in fact ahead.
- Unanimous decision made by players to spend more time on schoolwork.
- Team was paid off by Clinton administration so that Arkansas would win.
- Death of John Candy still weighed heavily upon everyone’s minds.
- They already had enough frequent flyer miles to last a lifetime.
- Wave of benevolence felt for team with lower ranking overcame Bears.
- Players were stressing over finals, forgetting the fact that Berkeley is on the semester system
- Berkeley plot to keep Jason Kidd here for another year.
- Neutral game site was too confusing.
- Other team was better.
Top Ten Asian Rock Groups
- Slantana
- Raw Phish
- Too Short (you know, the rapper?)
- Pearl Harbor Jam
- Sushi and the Banshees
- Snoop Doggy Dogg-eater
- KimCheecago
- Rice-Cube
- Screaming Bonsais
- Toyota the Wet Sprocket
Top Five Places You’ll Never Find a Fratboy Inside
- A sober woman
- Act I/Act II movie theater
- The Blue Oyster
- Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit
- Cesar Chavez rally
Top Five Things Neil Armstrong Might Have Found on the Moon
- A great photo opportunity
- The contents of Al Capone’s vault
- Cheese- mounds and mounds of cheese
- Dirt and rocks
- Dirt
Top Five Complaints of Local Pizza Deliverers
- Fear of angry, hungry urban youth with goatees.
- Drivers beaten by aggressive Vegans.
- No tips from homeless.
- No tips from starving students.
- Police escort necessary for home deliveries.
Top Five Reasons Oompa Loompas are Orange
- Interracial marriages between red and yellow dwarves.
- Used to work in Crayola(tm) factory before chocolate factory.
- They have ingested too many carrots (usually orally, but not always).
- What the hell’s an Oompa Loompa?
- They eat goldfishes.
Top Ten Optimum Times to Shout “By the Power of Grey Skull… I Have the Power!!!” at the Top of Your Lungs
- In the stall of any public restroom.
- In your sleep.
- During any job interview.
- Right now (go ahead, don’t be shy).
- At the end of a sad movie.
- When trying to attract women in a singles’ bar.
- When lifting your wife’s veil.
- During a final.
- In a crowded elevator stuck between floors.
- During sex.
