California law stipulates that all convicted sex offenders must register their name and address with the state. However, many slip through the cracks in this system. By not technically breaking any laws, a few perverted, depraved individuals roam… Read More
Those of the Jewish faith refer to themselves as the Chosen People. This is wrong. God never picked anyone as Chosen, and only through a series of hilarious mix-ups did the Jews ever come to this incorrect conclusion.… Read More
As we, the editorial staff of the Heuristic Squelch, are graduating in a scant few weeks, we no longer have to keep the many awful secrets we’ve kept for these four long trying years. First, the obvious secrets.
We’re … Read More
The sleepy bayside community of Elk Hollow was rocked recently when their local priest, working under the alias of Katherine O’Malley, turned out to be Martin Lawrence in a fat suit. Lawrence took over the parish at Elk … Read More
In a shortsighted and very curious attempt to increase tourism, the nation of Romania yesterday voted to proclaim the dragon as their new national bird. “The great nation of Romania has long been at the forefront of world dragon conservation… Read More
Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut recently told reporters he sees himself as a gray horse candidate in the upcoming 2008 election. “I mean, I wouldn’t be shocked if I won,” Lieberman said. “I guess I wouldn’t … Read More
Christian fundamentalists and Evangelicals were elevated to Heaven last week to sit at the side of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior. With hundreds of millions having instantly disappeared around the world, global productivity has risen ten-fold in what remaining… Read More
Just because a series of horrifying cataclysmic tragedies has befallen the Earth doesn’t mean your love life has to go down the tubes with it! We all need some advice sometimes, and who better to answer your romantic queries than… Read More
I cannot say that Jim was my best friend.
I cannot even say that Jim was my close friend. Jim was my roommate, and my roommate only, and it’s true what they say: you don’t really… Read More
What follows are transcripts of conversations between Earth’s creatures about the ups and downs of their love lives, collected through extensive field work and less extensive peyote use.
_Two male lions kick back after a long, hard day… Read More
