America’s homosexual community is still in the process of collectively creaming its pants following the release of the film Kissing Jessica Stein which chronicles the painfully obvious story of a successful young woman who, fed up with men, learns the … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
U.S. Withdraws Support for Israeli Baby-Killing
Critics of U.S. foreign aid to Israel had reason to cheer this week as the U.S. withdrew financial support from a state-run factory in Tel Aviv. American diplomats were taking a tour of the facility when they discovered that the … Read More
Punctuation Guide
One exclamation point indicates seriousness, excitement, and urgency. Two exclamation points indicate sarcastic seriousness, mock excitement, or an ironic lack of urgency. Use three exclamation points and you’ve reached a level of grammatical hysteria usually reserved for naive children’s letters … Read More
Top Ten Things Seldom Written in Braille
- “Congratulations on your purchase of a Smith & Wesson”
- “Choose Bob’s Driving School!”
- “The Squelch is a sensitive magazine”
- “Welcome to Metropolitan Museum of Art…Sorry!”
- “Your Guide to Sign Language”
- “Do Not Touch”
- “Your Guide to Reading Braille”
- “To properly
Top Ten Ways to Be a Tease
- Become a slut, then tone it down a bit
- Suck slowly on fingers after giving hand job
- Diet of only bananas and popsicles
- Don’t wear bra, also don’t wear shirt
- Know how to give good blow jobs, but don’t
- Wear
Top Ten Improved Names for the Tailbone
- Crystal SpriteGA$A3
- “Oh yeah, she’s definitely fucking bulemic.”
- Tailbone Jackson
- Fortitude
- <nobr>Buttfuck<wbr>logistics<wbr>probleminator</nobr>
- Neglecto
- We Used to Have Fucking Tails It’s Not Butter!
- Sony #TZX456
- <nobr>Onlyrealize<wbr>itexists<wbr>afterfirstday<wbr>snowboarding<wbr>bone</nobr>
- Dollywhomppper2K2
Top Ten Proposed Solutions to Housing Crunch
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“Everyone sleeps at the Chancellor’s House” month
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Only admitting people between 4’8″ and 5’3″ in order to squeeze them into new quintuple dorm rooms.
- Encouraging male students to masquerade as girls so they can live in sorority houses with
Top Ten Comebacks
- “Don’t make me get out of this wheelchair.”
- “I may be drunk, but you’re ugly, and in the morning I’ll be dead of alcohol poisoning.”
- “Aw gee, you’re right.” [jumps off ledge (of Evans)]
- “Well of course it’s small compared
Top Ten Reasons It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To
- You would cry too if it happened to you.
- I am a total fucking pussy, that’s why.
- Pin the Tail on the Donkey can be a more traumatic experience than most children let on.
- In hindsight, freshly cut onions were
Lottery Winning on Tuesday
Everyone’s a Winner
Well, the weather is picking up lately. It’s hot outside and hotter still inside. The sweet spring air makes me want to grab someone special, head for the local 7-Eleven and win the lottery all day long. Of course, after … Read More
