- Become a slut, then tone it down a bit
- Suck slowly on fingers after giving hand job
- Diet of only bananas and popsicles
- Don’t wear bra, also don’t wear shirt
- Know how to give good blow jobs, but don’t
- Wear
Author Archives: The Squelch
UC Police Crack Down
During a recent press conference, UC Police Chief Victoria Harrison commented on a new policy the department plans on implementing next month. UC police officers predict that the controversial new plan will give them the “upper hand” against “bicyclist renegades.” … Read More
An Interview with Britney Spears!!!!
Heuristic Squelch: Hello, Britney Spears.
Britney Spears: Hello, Squelch interviewer man.
HS: What would you like to talk about today?
BS: Well, I guess the main thing I’d like to talk about is how much I’d like to have sex … Read More
Words from the Top
All Hail Team Male
Waking up in the morning to the sturm und drang of my own testicular power, I’m invigorated by a sense of belonging, the joy of being a part of a group. But not an ordinary group of friends with insignficant … Read More
U.S. Withdraws Support for Israeli Baby-Killing
Critics of U.S. foreign aid to Israel had reason to cheer this week as the U.S. withdrew financial support from a state-run factory in Tel Aviv. American diplomats were taking a tour of the facility when they discovered that the … Read More
“Secret” Cuts Costs
Posting massive losses for the current financial quarter, Procter & Gamble has laid out cost-cutting plans for the coming year, including a retooled Secret Anti-Perspirant line promising no more than “the exact amount of strength a woman needs.”
P&G rep … Read More
Student Digested
At 2:07 PM Monday UC Berkeley junior Michael Ortega was assaulted and summarily digested by a 20-foot starfish.
Ortega was walking across Memorial Glade from the Bechtel Engineering center to meet friends at the Free Speech Movement Cafe when the … Read More
Dear Fellow Activist,
I had always considered myself an ethical human being, the sort that when faced with a dilemma would find the most responsible solution to the problem. However, not until April 11, 2002, did I discover the errors of my ways, … Read More
Neighborhood Dog Mauled by Small Child
Jessica Perkins, age 3, was taken into custody last week after what authorities call a “malicious and unprovoked attack” that left Thor, the Jervis family’s pet dog, in critical condition. Thor, a six year old Rottweiler in good standing with … Read More
New Safety Tape
All-Purpose brand safety tape announced at a press conference Tuesday that the company would soon be unveiling their first new tape color for the first time in decades: “Run Recklessly Green.” All Purpose is known for their other colored tape, … Read More
