- When Helping Hurts: Learning to Love Your Cactus Plants
- Sexual Orientation Orientation
- This is a Pain Stick: Getting Along With Orderlies at Your Mental Institution
- So You’ve Joined the Space Program Ice Cream Social
- The Uterus, Your New Home
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Reasons You’re Hanging Upside Down
- Turning frown upside down
- Y’ain’t got no neck
- Hiccups
- You just invented a new language in which “upside down” means “curtains.”
- To protect yourself from that one serial killer who only kills right-side-uppies.
- You’re a dyslexic bat in bizarro land
Inside a REVIEW Editorial Meeting
SARAH: Okay, everybody, Erin is back from Wine and Cheese Palace so we can
start the meeting. Ryan, please read the minutes from the last meeting.
RYAN: Okay, discussion of old business, 5 minutes spent assigning articles.
Break to discuss … Read More
Top Ten Pirate Pickup Lines
- “Is there an ‘X’ on the seat of your pants? Because there’s wond’rous booty buried underneath!”
- “Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre you free on Saturday?”
- “Yo, ho! Bottle of rum?”
- “Do you have the latest copy of Windows XP with cracked product activation?” (software
International Investigation Unearths Denim Underground
Levi Strauss & Co., in conjunction with other denim manufacturers, has concocted a diabolical secret network with ultimate long-term goals set on world domination, investigators found Tuesday. The plot, the likes of which the world has never before seen, calls … Read More
Words from the Top
It’s All Downhill From Here
No matter how much effusive praise gets heaped upon the staff of the Squelch, there remains an contingent of pessimistic naysayers whose critique of our latest issue inevitably consists of a disparaging shrug and the phrase “It’s not as funny … Read More
Pants-Related News Stories Skyrocket
A spate of high-profile news stories related to pants has many wondering if the phenomenon is not indicative of a larger trend. From difficulties coordinating undergarments with fashionable pants to worldwide pants conspiracies to eerie supernatural incidents, pants have dominated … Read More
Jesus-Themed Bong Remains Unsold
It seems safe to say that none of the toke-addled, black-clad, sore-assed clientele of Pat’s Puff Palace are getting high on Jesus. Store owner Patrick Uter’s problem is that they won’t get high with God– by buying one of his … Read More
Virginia
Land of Dreams
Prologue:
The sun was barely peeking over our rugged eastern foothills when I left
this fair state, bound for a land where the lush green countryside collides
with the glimmering ocean and the bourbon flows like wine. That land is Guy With Nut Allergy Has Trouble Selling Nut Allergy Movie Idea
Bay Area paralegal and nut allergic Nathan Tholom continues to be frustrated by the lack of interest in his idea for a movie centering around nut allergies.
“It would be about this guy, who’s allergic to nuts,” explained Tholom to … Read More
