- Players who were just dragging the team down
- The life expectancies of those not rich, white
- Elaborate Carmen Miranda costume for White House dog
- Federal Youth Rec Center, thereby necessitating an inspiring New-Wave-music-accompanied fundraising scheme
- Collision insurance
- Gold coin swimmin’
Author Archives: The Squelch
Amit Tamir Eats Eight Apple Fritters
Last week, after a bitter defeat to the University of Arizona’s number one bas-ketball team, UC Berkeley’s star forward/center was seen at Kingpin Donuts eating apple fritters.
According to witnesses, Tamir consumed eight of the delicious pastries consectutively without so … Read More
DMT: Di-Methyl-Tryptamine
Phil: … This guy told me, when you do DMT, if you take the threshold amount, it’s
like “elves de-cloak and take you to fairyland.” It’s supposed to be so fucking weird,
right? But it seems totally real. And it … Read More
Dear Bachelorette Trista,
First off let me say you made the right decision; but you definitely made the wrong choice. What do I mean by that you ask? Well let me explain.
When you cut the first 24 guys, you were right on … Read More
Bush Concedes to Worldwide Protestors
According to the White House, President Bush conceded that the recent anti-war protests were powerful enough for him to surrender his power as president to mob rule.
“The President has decided to relinquish the power of the executive branch of … Read More
Workers Unite Against Organized Labor
A group of workers picketed the Port of Oakland today to protest organized labor. The workers, fed up with the special treatment given to Union members, joined together in a self-proclaimed “show of solidarity” and let loose cries of “United … Read More
Emeryville IKEA Declares Independence
In a move that may have implications far beyond Shellmound Street, the Emeryville IKEA has declared itself an independent republic. Speaking from the newly established capital next to the lighting aisle, Assistant Customs Manager/President-Elect Sven Nielsen spoke at length about … Read More
Top Ten Things Found by Lewis & Clark (while Dreaming)
- Thomas Jefferson’s evil plot to tip all the cows
- A job! (Those hippy slackers)
- That bartering sucks
- Lewis held captive by Lex Luther; Clark changes quickly in a phone booth, saves Lewis.
- Elvis, Osama, the Missing Link, and Sasquatch, all
Oh, Those Alienated Teenagers!
_Fact of life: we all went through our sullen, withdrawn phases sometime in our teenage years. Some may deny it, but they will only turn out to be bitter alcoholics that quietly seethe about marrying young and taking a job … Read More
Top Ten Campus Myths Spread by CalSO
- Christmas is really about the birth of Oski
- Junior starring Arnold Schwarzenegger was filmed on this very campus, the most successful movie in the history of the worldz
- City of Berkeley once populated by lazy blacks and Latinos with low
