Ophrys bilunulata, the cunning seductive temptress of Central Europe, discloses her arching figure, velvety hair, and fragrant scent; twisting the palpating heart of the male Andrena flavipesi to such a wicked degree that the loins of A. flavipesi swelter … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Dear Mr. & Ms. Dunnegan,
It has come to my attention that you have been, erroneously, under the impression that your son Roger is gay. If you two want to cry yourselves to sleep thinking that your pride and joy has, 20 years after leaving … Read More
Oh, Those Alienated Teenagers!
_Fact of life: we all went through our sullen, withdrawn phases sometime in our teenage years. Some may deny it, but they will only turn out to be bitter alcoholics that quietly seethe about marrying young and taking a job … Read More
Blood for Oil Program a Success
Red Cross officials are praising their new program to refund blood donors for transporation costs. Started six months ago, the “Blood for Oil” program lets Red Cross officials pay to fill up the gas tanks of donors who contribute every … Read More
Man Discovers True Love
Last Tuesday, Pleasanton, California resident Matthew Smith, though a self-professed normal and even mediocre guy, discovered true love, which sci-entists had previously claimed was impossible. “It was easy,” he claimed. “It was right next to the Loch Ness Monster and … Read More
Counting Problem
U.S. health officials announced that by the time most Americans have been peeing for a long time, they feel it’s too late to start counting the seconds, thus artificially lowering the standards for the Guinness Book of World Records’ “longest … Read More
SUBJECT: Upcoming Budget Cuts
FROM: Chancellor Berdahl (texasqueen@yahoo.com) TO: Cal Students (feesmonkeys@uclink.berkeley.edu) CC: Spring Admits (probablynots@uclink.berkeley.edu) Governor Davis (darthg@aol.com) REPLY TO: Kevin Deenihan (kevin@pkarchive.org)
As many of you are no doubt aware, the State’s budget situation is particularly grim this year. Our state’s penchant … Read More
Top Five Jeopardy Answers in Which the Question is “Who is Jesus?”
- [incredulously] Who is Jesus!?
- Only this man can save you now.
- H. Christ.
- He came from Galilee.
- The grandson of Joachim and Anne.
Opening of Club F++t Results Results in Broken Ankles, Feet
Patrons at the new Club F++t in downtown San Francisco smiled awkwardly when 34 people suffering from Talipes equinovarus, or clubfoot, requested entry into the nightclub. Those smiles quickly turned to frowns as these latecomers had to be stabilized by … Read More
Snowball Implicated in Anthrax Mailings
The culprit responsible for deadly post-9/11 anthrax mailings has been identified by federal authorities. Snowball the Pig was added to the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted list, and arrest warrants were issued in four states. Director of Homeland Security Napoleon announced … Read More
