_Fact of life: we all went through our sullen, withdrawn phases sometime in our teenage years. Some may deny it, but they will only turn out to be bitter alcoholics that quietly seethe about marrying young and taking a job … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Counting Problem
U.S. health officials announced that by the time most Americans have been peeing for a long time, they feel it’s too late to start counting the seconds, thus artificially lowering the standards for the Guinness Book of World Records’ “longest … Read More
SUBJECT: Upcoming Budget Cuts
FROM: Chancellor Berdahl (texasqueen@yahoo.com) TO: Cal Students (feesmonkeys@uclink.berkeley.edu) CC: Spring Admits (probablynots@uclink.berkeley.edu) Governor Davis (darthg@aol.com) REPLY TO: Kevin Deenihan (kevin@pkarchive.org)
As many of you are no doubt aware, the State’s budget situation is particularly grim this year. Our state’s penchant … Read More
Americans To Vote On New Color For Terror Alerts, M&Ms
When Americans file their tax returns in April, or purchase a package of Peanut Butter M&Ms, they will have the chance to choose between cobalt, periwinkle twill, and electric lime. In a joint effort between M&M-Mars and the Depart-ment of … Read More
Top Ten New Features for Sather Gate
- Glory Hole
- Free makeover courtesy of the producers of the Ricki Lake Show!
- Lets you go both ways now
- Gondola ride to the top of Campanile
- Laughs heartily whenever someone calls Sproul the “Home of Free Speech”
- Moves around so
Top Ten Campus Myths Spread by CalSO
- Christmas is really about the birth of Oski
- Junior starring Arnold Schwarzenegger was filmed on this very campus, the most successful movie in the history of the worldz
- City of Berkeley once populated by lazy blacks and Latinos with low
Top Ten Greenest Things in the World. Ever
- Blue and Yellow mixed together, smartass
- Your mom’s crotch. Seriously, she should get that checked.
- Green Lantern, jealous
- A gangrenous leprechaun
- I’m serious, have you tried this Palmolive?
- Green Apple Palmolive. It smells as good as it looks. It’s incredible.
Top Ten Things Found by Lewis & Clark (while Dreaming)
- Thomas Jefferson’s evil plot to tip all the cows
- A job! (Those hippy slackers)
- That bartering sucks
- Lewis held captive by Lex Luther; Clark changes quickly in a phone booth, saves Lewis.
- Elvis, Osama, the Missing Link, and Sasquatch, all
Top Ten Things Cut in the Federal Budget
- Players who were just dragging the team down
- The life expectancies of those not rich, white
- Elaborate Carmen Miranda costume for White House dog
- Federal Youth Rec Center, thereby necessitating an inspiring New-Wave-music-accompanied fundraising scheme
- Collision insurance
- Gold coin swimmin’
Top Ten Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Borg
- He’s really a square. I mean cube. I mean a Borg cube. He’s a Borg cube.
- Smart, well paid, and really (la)CUTE(is)
- House is immaculate, clean, organized, and can sustain speeds of warp 9.98 for up to 50 earth hours
