- Whatever the mother of the Wayans kids was doing
- Semen-covered dildo
- Going to a party at Pi Kappa Phi
- Eye of newt
- Getting pregnant
- Visiting my room
- Screen-door condoms
- Rhythm method, but you’re white and have no rhythm
- Twist Ties
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Worst Ways to Defend Yourself in Prison
- Crying like a woman
- Your scary gay lisp
- Attempting to break up riot with rousing game of Magic: The Gathering
- Introducing yourself as “Fish”
- Pre-emptive cocksucking
- Gently turning down their advancements
- Shaving your legs
- Making cell key into knife
- Becoming
Masturbator Retires Jessica Simpson Fantasy
After a single viewing of Newlyweds, the MTV reality series chronicling the married life of pop stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, UC Berkeley sophomore Pete Klein permanently retired his Jessica Simpson masturbatory fantasy, Klein announced Friday.
“She’s still really … Read More
ASUC Illegally Allocates $10 to No-On-53 Campaign
Student government politics were thrown into further turmoil last week when it was revealed that the ASUC earmarked ten dollars in student fees to oppose Proposition 53. The announcement was made by Graduate Assembly President Jessica Zack Quindel.
“We’ve already … Read More
Fun Things I Would Do as a Ghost
While being alive and being dead both have their jollies, for jollies nothing beats a state of unbeing twisted between death and life. You can walk through walls, jog through walls, even do a cartwheel through, yes, a wall. Other … Read More
Computer Seduces Owner
Windows Media Player-A
As the glowing oscillations continually replicated the soft curves of feminine essence in a gently perverted light show, Peterson was moved to epiphany. “When that beautiful gorge repeatedly poured out into infinity in front of me, I … Read More
Words from the Top
Prescience – No, Not the Science Fiction Kind
One of the advantages of the Heuristic Squelch as a magazine is the long period of time from when the issue goes to press and when it actually reaches the anxious sweat-drenched and abnormally sticky palms of the student body. … Read More
Kobe Bryant to Donate Ego to Charity
Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant announced Wednesday in a news conference that he will donate part of his gigantic ego to charity.
During the conference, a teary-eyed Bryant said, “I’m one of the greatest basketball players of all time, … Read More
Top Ten Underage Alcohols
- Smirnoff Ice
- James’ Giant Peach Schnapps
- Budweiser Chewables
- Sex on the Sandbox
- Miller High School Life
- Goodnight Moonshine
- Jungle Gym Juice
- Caprila Sunrise
- One-and-a-half Equis
- Ensign Morgan
Top Ten Makeshift Hairbrushes
- Slinky
- Broken stencil, letters A-J
- Hairbrush whittled out of a potato
- Stretch of shag carpeting that once had 7-Up poured on it but has now dried
- Complete set of 32 ginsu knives
- Baseball cap
- Half-pound of spaghetti
- Another dude’s even
