While being alive and being dead both have their jollies, for jollies nothing beats a state of unbeing twisted between death and life. You can walk through walls, jog through walls, even do a cartwheel through, yes, a wall. Other … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
ASUC Illegally Allocates $10 to No-On-53 Campaign
Student government politics were thrown into further turmoil last week when it was revealed that the ASUC earmarked ten dollars in student fees to oppose Proposition 53. The announcement was made by Graduate Assembly President Jessica Zack Quindel.
“We’ve already … Read More
Hubert, Legacy of a Hobo
I’ve spent the last thirty years of my life studying the dying American institution of the rail-riding, trash-can-raiding, squirrel-eating hobo. I’d never met one in person until I ran into Hubert Johnson Hackensack in Saginaw, Michigan after he darted in … Read More
Famous Professor Bad at Teaching
Recent reports indicate that that one teacher, you know, that one that is really famous, is not a very good teacher. These reports come hot on the trail of accusations that he just rambles a lot and doesn’t lay things … Read More
Nader Kills 30, Still a Good Person
Lifelong consumer advocate and former Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader opened fire on a group of unarmed shoppers Friday at a Wal-Mart near his home in Pasadena, California.
“It was a horrible tragedy,” reported one unhurt bystander. “My first … Read More
President to Dress Like Ninja
In an effort to bolster sagging public approval ratings, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today that President Bush would be delivering his upcoming State of the Union address in the costume of the Japanese silent assassin, the “ninja.”… Read More
Angering God
As I philosophy major, one of the questions I’m often asked is, “Hah hah, good luck getting a job.” Well that’s not a question, asshole. A question would sound something like, “Is there a God? And if there is, explain … Read More
Masturbator Retires Jessica Simpson Fantasy
After a single viewing of Newlyweds, the MTV reality series chronicling the married life of pop stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, UC Berkeley sophomore Pete Klein permanently retired his Jessica Simpson masturbatory fantasy, Klein announced Friday.
“She’s still really … Read More
The Oregon Trail
Thank God you people were mostly born in the early to mid 1980’s, or the fleeting moment of time where this game shone would be lost. All of us with crappy elementary school computer labs remember the pride in fording … Read More
Top Two Unanswered Requests of God
- All the starving people
- Miraculous 2nd coat of wax on my Thunderbird
