The Oregon Trail

Thank God you people were mostly born in the early to mid 1980’s, or the fleeting moment of time where this game shone would be lost. All of us with crappy elementary school computer labs remember the pride in fording that last river, the joy in naming the characters after your worst enemies and relentlessly letting typhoid do your job for you. But what if we took it… a little farther.

Upon Meeting the Roommates

Oliver: Hey guys, welcome to the greatest westward journey of our lives.
Roommates: [Courteous laughter] Yeah… westward…
Oliver: Would you guys perhaps like to buy an axel, or a couple oxen to get started? You know, just in case?
Roommates: [Leaving room] Umm… No, it’s okay, we’re going to… [voice trails off]


Oliver: Oliver unpacks wheelbarrow goodies onto floor and chooses profession: Doctor.
Jordan, Oliver’s Roommate: [Muttering to others] What’s with this faggot talk?
Oliver: Good thinking! We’ll need several fagots of wood if we’re to start a fire in this wint’ry storm.
Jordan: Did everyone catch that?
Josh: Yeah.
Steve: Oh yeah.
Jordan: Just making sure.

At the Cafeteria

Classmates: Hey, this food is gross huh?
Oliver: [Dragging in animal carcasses] Hey guys, I went hunting! I killed nine buffalo but was only strong enough to carry 200 pounds of it here.
Classmates: Jesus, why’d you also kill all those animals?!
Oliver: I had… I wanted… I just did, alright?

At the Gym

Oliver: Boy, these treadmills are great, aren’t they?
Beth, Oliver’s Friend: Yeah, but you’re barely moving. Don’t you want to go any faster?
Oliver: I realize I’m moving at a steady pace, but if I move any faster, to say, strenuous or even grueling pace, I’m afraid I’m going to run out of food. I mean, I’m already eating at a meager level. If I don’t go hunting soon I fear for the lives of me and my wagon mates.
Beth: [Stares at Oliver, stops treadmill, walks away crying]

The River

Roommates: Come on, Oliver! We’re crossing the river in this raft! Come aboard!
Oliver: [Nervous] No… that’s okay… I’d rather just stay here.

The Date

Girlfriend: Sure, Oliver, I’d love to go on a date with you! When should we leave?
Oliver: Well, if we leave in March we’ll be hitting the wet season, so we’ll have a higher chance of catching typhoid. But if we leave in July we’ll run into winter, and that means axle-breakage.
Girlfriend: So… like, 8?

The Rivalry

Oliver: It’s not fair!
Jordan: Uh… what’s not fair, Oliver? Did Indians take your wagon or some stupid shit like that? [Roommates chuckle]
Oliver: No, this is serious! That weird guy at the end of the hall stole my last barrel of hardtack!
Jordan: You mean those nasty-ass crackers you’re always eating? Why?
Oliver: He wanted to throw the barrel at that fat Italian guy down the hall.
Steve: Oh yeah, that’s the guy who’s all in to Donkey Kong.
Oliver: What a tool.