Nader Kills 30, Still a Good Person

Lifelong consumer advocate and former Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader opened fire on a group of unarmed shoppers Friday at a Wal-Mart near his home in Pasadena, California.

“It was a horrible tragedy,” reported one unhurt bystander. “My first thought was, ‘I wish that guy had never been born.’ But then I got a better look at him and realized who he was and then thought, ‘That’s the guy who made seatbelts mandatory in all cars. They save like 11,000 lives a year, don’t they?'”

Ethicist Frank D’Amato points out that “Nader would have to go on a similar shooting spree every day for as long as seatbelts are still in use in order to become a net detriment to humanity. Not to mention the backlog of lives he’s saved since seatbelts became mandatory in 1966.”

In a related story, President George W. Bush would have to miraculously resurrect over 300 people in order to break even. When reached for comment about the shortfall, a spokesperson for Bush explained, “The president isn’t interested in fixing the deficit.”