2004 is here, and my graduation is near. As I look back at my four fantastical years here at Cal, I think about all the important li’l bits of knowledge I’ve picked up that served me so well in my … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
William Hung’s Fifteen Minutes Up
Berkeley student, singer, and professional hip gyrator William Hung’s fifteen minutes are officially up. The announcement came from Professor Serena Chen during a Social Psychology midterm on April 5th. At 11:45 am, Prof. Chen announced, “You have fifteen minutes remaining.” … Read More
Study: Cup-Shaking Not Marketable Skill
An extensive study released Thursday by the UC Berkeley Business Administration Graduate Research Division reveals that cup shaking is in fact not a marketable skill.
Further, the researchers concluded, as a non-marketable skill, cup shaking thus does not warrant financial … Read More
Stop Quoting Dave Chappelle. You Have No Idea Who Lil Jon Is.
Oh, that’s hilarious! You really are Rick James, bitch. What? OKAY! Nothing irks me more than people who refer to the “Little John” sketch. First of all, he’s LIL JON, not Little John. Little John was one of Robin Hood’s … Read More
Top Ten Tobacco Products Marketed Toward Children
- Licorice Ropenhagen
- Good n’ Plenty n’ Benson n’ Hedges
- Mr. Goodbarliament
- Kohibaz 4 Kidz
- Uncle Colonel’s Old Timey Smooth Carolina Tobaffy: the Tobacco-Taffy
- Lucky Strike n’ Ikes
- Merit Badges
- Skoal-Aid
- Virjunior Slim-mints
- Caramelboro
Top Ten Things Overheard on Cable Action Shows
Top Five Pickup Lines That Women Like to Hear
Shit Goes Down in Haiti
In the last week or so, some serious shit has gone down in Haiti, according to a White House statement released Thursday. “Shit’s all fucked up and we don’t think anyone really knows what’s going on. Totally random,” said press … Read More
Top Ten New Snack Slogans for 12-year-olds
Top Ten Signs Your Roommate Is an Old Delta Bluesman
- Sports an “Old Delta Bluesman” T-shirt, but not ironically
- Ken Burns always peering through the windows
- Lots of red suspenders
- His room always smells like whiskey and tears
- Don’t done got no replacement toilet roll
- Every week, Eric Clapton stops