A grossly hung-over and dangerously dehydrated Jesus woke up last weekend at a friend’s apartment and then attempted to rehydrate himself by transforming the party’s leftover wine back into water. Jesus had transformed the water into wine to impress chicks … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
The Ultimate Guide To Cal
All the Rules You’ll Ever Need Here
2004 is here, and my graduation is near. As I look back at my four fantastical years here at Cal, I think about all the important li’l bits of knowledge I’ve picked up that served me so well in my … Read More
Experimental Album Has No Hidden Track
The popular Chapel Hill-based prog-rock outfit Octopod Blue created a stir on Tuesday with the release of its latest album, Mustachio Tapdance. The highly experimental recording contains no hidden track.
“The first time I heard it,” said Pitchfork editor-in-chief … Read More
The 1944 Olympics
DANFORTH: Welcome to the 1944 Olympics! We’re coming to you live from the Olympics that no one thought would ever happen. While most of the World’s more impressive atheletes are currently vaulting over landmines, kayaking past enemy positions, and Greco-Roman … Read More
Top Eleven Lethal Mixed Drinks
- Margarita: the Tijuana Hooker with AIDS
- Anything from Pike
- Schnapps Your Neck
- Three Mile Island Iced Tea
- Shirley Temple (see her career)
- White Russian Roulette
- Manhattan Project
- Drive-by Shooter
- Unprotected Sex on the Beach
- Smirnoff Ice Pick in the Heart
Not a Single Laptop Being Used to Take Notes
A recent campus-wide study has revealed that not a single laptop is currently being used to take notes in class.
The leading uses reported for laptops were playing card games, Minesweeper, that one pinball game, and surfing the Internet. “Anyone … Read More
I’m an Asshole and I Have a Time Machine
Yeah, that’s right: I’m a jerk. That’s why I hired a scientist to build me a time machine. What? That doesn’t make sense? Well neither does your face. Two points!
So now that I have the powers of the universe … Read More
Shit Goes Down in Haiti
In the last week or so, some serious shit has gone down in Haiti, according to a White House statement released Thursday. “Shit’s all fucked up and we don’t think anyone really knows what’s going on. Totally random,” said press … Read More
Joel Stephanson: Candidate for President of the United States
“Yesterday, December 7, 1941 GAA a date which will live in infamy GAA the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.”
GAA Franklin Delano Roosevelt, December 8th, 1941… Read More
Chancellor Excited About New Career
In a recent interview, Chancellor Berdahl announced his intention to drop his post-retirement teaching plans in the hopes of realizing his full potential as “that guy who plays the Campanile bells every day at noon.” The grueling nature of his … Read More
