According to a group of Vietnam veterans who claim to have served with John Kerry, Kerry’s initial motivation for joining the military was to kill defenseless babies. While none of the veterans have accused Kerry of killing any babies, most … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Students Rewarded for Showing Up
After much deliberation, the California Department of Education has announced that it will administer the first High School Exit Exam in 2006. If a student fails to pass the test, he or she will not receive a diploma, but will … Read More
Man Successfully Programs VCR
Home Depot assistant manager Steven Tepper called a press conference yesterday to announce that he had succeeded in programming his VCR to display the correct time instead of blinking “12:00” over and over.
When told by reporters that VCRs have … Read More
Top Ten Porno Movies Starring Celebrities and Secretly Sponsored by Car Companies
- Susan Sarandon Takes a Dump on This Guy in the Back of a Fiat
- There’s No Dodging Eric Gagne’s Pitcher of Cum
- George Michael’s Coming in His GMC
- Minnie Driver and the Mini Driver
- Mercedes Ruehl Benz Over
- Robert Gouchevrolay
Student Literally Has Mind Blown
In a stunning turn of events, Cal political science student David Lee literally had his mind blown on Friday by a live Radiohead performance that his roommate downloaded from Kazaa.
When asked whether he actually meant that his mind had … Read More
The Three Investigators and the Adventure of the Dead Pope
Jupiter, Pete, and Bob were walking down a busy city street.
“It sure is great to be here visiting scenic Rome,” said Pete breezily, as the three entered the heart of the Vatican. “And it’s great that your grand-uncle got … Read More
New Cola Remedies Human Condition
The lasting despair and bittersweet pain that have plagued humankind since its inception have finally been obliterated by the advent of Coca-Cola’s newest beverage, C2GA$A3, according to spokesman Ken Harper. “With only half the calories of Coca-Cola Classic, C2 has … Read More
Frat Boy Makes Discovery During Spring Cleaning
Spring cleaning brings up all sorts of hidden treasures, but none were as surprising as one found in Phi Kappa Tau’s hallway.
During the cleaning, frat boy Tim Shook found a single-handled broom. The broom, which was described as being … Read More
The Ultimate Guide To Cal
All the Rules You’ll Ever Need Here
2004 is here, and my graduation is near. As I look back at my four fantastical years here at Cal, I think about all the important li’l bits of knowledge I’ve picked up that served me so well in my … Read More
Adventures in Laundry
Quarters, Detergent, and Crazies–The True Story
On a lonely and mildly pathetic Saturday in Berkeley, I decided to embark on a mini-adventure to the local laundromat. The following is a true recounting of my experience that night, a tale that I offer with a warning label: … Read More
