You: Honey, I’m home–what are you doing with that letter?
Her: [reading from letter] THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
You: What the fuck? I put all this time into it and all I get is a lousy note?
Her: PRODUCER – … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Thom Yorke Gives Birth to Litter of Ferrets
Last night in London, Thom Yorke, famed vocalist of rock group Radiohead, gave birth to what appears to be seven strong and healthy ferrets. The baker’s half dozen of rodents were delivered live on stage during a particularly spastic rendition … Read More
Getting Away With It
How to Make Excuses Like the Pros!
I AM an expert excuse maker. I can squirm out of things better than the seed of a seventeen year old with a bright future and a punctured condom. Here are some tricks of the trade.
Avoid Cliches
Your excuses … Read More
What If George Lucas Wrote Shakespeare
Romeo and Juliet
Act II, Scene 2
Romeo: But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is one of the suns of Tattoine’s binary star
system. And therefore I love her.
Hamlet
Act 3, … Read More
Satan Comes to Berkeley
In English R1B Class
Satan: The mortal Jay Gatsby, like all other men before him, finds solace from the trials of his world in the path of sin!
GSI: Excellent, Satan! Class, see how he juxtaposes Judeo-Christian elements with the … Read More
Words From The Top
Advice for Freshmen
1. Go to your professors’ office hours, no matter how early they are. The interaction between student and old horny intellectual is a tradition dating back to Plato and Socrates. You won’t learn a damn thing, but smart people need … Read More
MapQuest Version 2.0
When you’re not sure how to get somewhere, a quick visit to MapQuest.com can save you lots of time and give you clear, precise directions.
If you have a good car.
But what if you don’t drive one of those … Read More
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit Christmas
Detectives Stabler and Benson walked
into the cold morgue, glad they were
still wearing their trench coats from the
morning’s crime scene. The Medical Examiner pulled back the sheet covering
the victim’s body. The little boy’s cheerful red santa hat … Read More
Wine Enthusiast Not Impressed with Eucharist
Allen Murdock’s 34-stop, self-guided wine-tasting tour through Napa Valley, East Oakland, and Amador City took a turn for the sacrilegious Wednesday when he made an erroneous stop at St. John’s Catholic Church.
After careening off Highway 29, a red-faced and … Read More
The Secret Diary of Margot Frank
Anne Frank is considered by many to be the Lance Armstrong of hiding
from Nazi oppressors. Her secret diary made her one of World War II’s
most beloved personalities. But while Anne wrote away, the goofier and
more optically-challenged Margot … Read More