Anne Frank is considered by many to be the Lance Armstrong of hiding
from Nazi oppressors. Her secret diary made her one of World War II’s
most beloved personalities. But while Anne wrote away, the goofier and
more optically-challenged Margot … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
What If George Lucas Wrote Shakespeare
Romeo and Juliet
Act II, Scene 2
Romeo: But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is one of the suns of Tattoine’s binary star
system. And therefore I love her.
Hamlet
Act 3, … Read More
To All Incoming UC Extension Students
Welcome Almost Berkeley Students.
Congratulations
on your “legitimate” acceptance. Looks like all
that hard work finally made up for you being at
least a semester dumber than your peers! I mean
sure, you were president of your graduating class
and … Read More
How Drunk Were You?
To quote every freshman in the history of ever: “I
was SOOOO drunk!” Problem is, there is no
objectivity to this claim. There are no gold
medals and no Jeopardy champions in the game of
Drunk. So how close can … Read More
Minorities Underrepresented in Area Porn Collection
Alta Plaza Park, San Francisco. Children
run, play tag, shriek as they climb on the jungle
gym. Some are Chinese, some Hispanic, others black
and others white. It is not hard today to look at
a model community such as … Read More
Douglas Unger’s Roommate Questionnaire
(1) SEX
Male
Female
First one, then the other
Both (specify/draw a picture) ________
(2) OCCUPATION
Quiet, Reflective, Full-Time Student
Professional Whisperer
Tiptoeologist
Drummer with Access to Prescription Sleep Aids
(3) COOKING EXPERIENCE
Confectionary Major
Watched enough Iron Chef to … Read More
Thom Yorke Gives Birth to Litter of Ferrets
Last night in London, Thom Yorke, famed vocalist of rock group Radiohead, gave birth to what appears to be seven strong and healthy ferrets. The baker’s half dozen of rodents were delivered live on stage during a particularly spastic rendition … Read More
Sasquath Found Inside Chewbacca Costume
Sasquatch, the mythological creature believed by
many to be the missing-link between man and
Serena Williams, was discovered inside a
Chewbacca costume at a Star Wars role-playing
costume party last Thursday night.
Sasquatch made
a booming entrance into the party … Read More
Top Ten Reasons Your Landlord Gave You the Place So Cheap
- Three words: location, location, it’s a crackhouse
- I don’t know, ask one of the other 19 illegal immigrants
- In the co-op, you’re your own landlord! And maid! And drug dealer! And fuck, this place is a shithole.
- The rat carcasses
Words From The Top
Advice for Freshmen
1. Go to your professors’ office hours, no matter how early they are. The interaction between student and old horny intellectual is a tradition dating back to Plato and Socrates. You won’t learn a damn thing, but smart people need … Read More
