- Moving OUT of New Orleans
- Sticking head in easy bake oven
- Throwing self in front of inactive volcano
- Hanging self with bungee cord
- Killing someone else
- Slitting wrists w/ electric razor
- Jumping off large building onto less large building
- OD
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Signs your Boyfriend is a Zombie
- Cheated on you with your sister … who’s been dead for 15 years
- Spices up sex with strawberries, syrup, and cow brains
- id software keeps asking him to come in for some motion-capture sessions
- Picnic in cemetery on first date,
Top Ten Things Sadder than Playing World of Warcraft
- Being the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Pretending to be the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Working for the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Playing World of Warcraft with the black guy from Stargate: SG-1
- Knowing that the name of
Top Ten Wholesome Fun Things to do in People’s Park
- Shit, shit, I’ve really gotta move to an apartment that’s not on benvenue
- Fuck, now there’s two of them, hurry!
- Oh thank god, I think we lost him.
- [heavy breathing]
- Asking the homeless to … oh shit, he’s
Top Five Things Chewbacca has Mistaken for a Female Wookie and Had Sex With
- A male wookie
- Robin Williams
- Three ewoks standing on each other’s shoulders
- Shag carpeting
- A throw rug
The Secret Diary of Margot Frank
Anne Frank is considered by many to be the Lance Armstrong of hiding
from Nazi oppressors. Her secret diary made her one of World War II’s
most beloved personalities. But while Anne wrote away, the goofier and
more optically-challenged Margot … Read More
Signs Your Professor is Moonlighting as a Bookie
- He takes notes when the handicapped students are talking
- Forty year old in the front row still talks too much, but about keeping his thumbs
- Pete Rose is scheduled to be a guest lecturer
- Office hours held in bar at
Wonka Actually Tyrannical Despot
Seeking to both capitalize on renewed interest in its Wonka trademark and respond to the complaints of labor unions and children’s rights groups, Nestle inc. has announced a marketing plan to “reimagine” their factories. Executives hope to involve customers in … Read More
Thom Yorke Gives Birth to Litter of Ferrets
Last night in London, Thom Yorke, famed vocalist of rock group Radiohead, gave birth to what appears to be seven strong and healthy ferrets. The baker’s half dozen of rodents were delivered live on stage during a particularly spastic rendition … Read More
Top Ten Reasons Your Landlord Gave You the Place So Cheap
- Three words: location, location, it’s a crackhouse
- I don’t know, ask one of the other 19 illegal immigrants
- In the co-op, you’re your own landlord! And maid! And drug dealer! And fuck, this place is a shithole.
- The rat carcasses
