- Moving OUT of New Orleans
- Sticking head in easy bake oven
- Throwing self in front of inactive volcano
- Hanging self with bungee cord
- Killing someone else
- Slitting wrists w/ electric razor
- Jumping off large building onto less large building
- OD
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Toilet Training Methods of the Future
- Just tell the little fucker to Google it
- Additional instruction on removing your spiky shoulder pads and unitard
- Exactly as you would do it today, BUT YOU’RE IN THE MATRIX
- What, you’re telling me you don’t know how to use
Are You There, Mega-Vibe 6000?
It’s Me, Margaret…
_First Date _
Margaret: …then he said he could never marry me. I guess I’ve been afraid of a serious relationship ever since.
Mega: Bzzzzz. Bzzzzz.
Margaret: Ohh thank you. You’re right, I do deserve better.
Mega: Bzzzz.
Margaret: I’ve … Read More
Chimpanzee to Star as Next Triple X
The producers of the Triple X Franchise recently revealed the star of the next Triple X installment: “Triple X: Master of Illusions”. The film features BooBoo, a primate of the Pan Paniscus or “Bonobo” Chimpanzee species in the lead role. … Read More
US Troops Unaware of Facebook Support
Despite boasting 96 members, the UCB Facebook group “Support Our Troops” has had little to no discernible effect on the morale of US troops stationed in Iraq. When asked how the support from Berkeley Facebook members was aiding in the … Read More
Minorities Underrepresented in Area Porn Collection
Alta Plaza Park, San Francisco. Children
run, play tag, shriek as they climb on the jungle
gym. Some are Chinese, some Hispanic, others black
and others white. It is not hard today to look at
a model community such as … Read More
Words From The Top
Advice for Freshmen
1. Go to your professors’ office hours, no matter how early they are. The interaction between student and old horny intellectual is a tradition dating back to Plato and Socrates. You won’t learn a damn thing, but smart people need … Read More
If Relationships Ended Like 8-Bit Videogames
You: Honey, I’m home–what are you doing with that letter?
Her: [reading from letter] THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
You: What the fuck? I put all this time into it and all I get is a lousy note?
Her: PRODUCER – … Read More
Signs Your Professor is Moonlighting as a Bookie
- He takes notes when the handicapped students are talking
- Forty year old in the front row still talks too much, but about keeping his thumbs
- Pete Rose is scheduled to be a guest lecturer
- Office hours held in bar at
The Secret Diary of Margot Frank
Anne Frank is considered by many to be the Lance Armstrong of hiding
from Nazi oppressors. Her secret diary made her one of World War II’s
most beloved personalities. But while Anne wrote away, the goofier and
more optically-challenged Margot … Read More