Put your flared pants back into the closet and shut off that T-mobile Sidekick, because murder is the hot new trend this summer season. In this authoritative guide, we’ll hold your hand from the first time you “inadvertently” push someone … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Would You Rather Be Hung-Over or Over-Hung?
Scenario One:
Using the English Language
Hung-over: When hung-over, complex words like “uhhhhhhnng” are often hard to pronounce. You are light-headed. You feel like you might vomit. You do vomit. You try to tell one of the workers at Jack-in-the-Box … Read More
What If…Everything in Life Was Like Your First Time Having Sex?
Watching a TV Show
You: [Sits down.]
TV: [Plays theme song.]
[Beat.]
TV: [Credits roll.]
Going to the Movies
You: How did you like the movie?
Girl: [Bursts into tears.]
Studying
[… Read More
Discount Wisdom
I never went back to that gloryhole once I found out there was a person on the other side.
NASCAR’s great. I mean, who doesn’t love a bunch of traffic?
People say that crows are a symbol of death, but … Read More
Carjackers Rejoice Over “Ghostridin’ the Whip” Trend
The slump is over for car thieves in the Bay Area, who reportedly attribute their sudden success to a new hip-hop trend known to many as “ghostridin’ the whip.” Popularized by E-40’s song “Tell Me When to Go,” the act … Read More
The Diary of Judas
Recently, National Geographic released the Gospel of Judas, a contradictory explanation of Jesus’s demise where Jesus asked Judas to betray him. The Gospel of Judas, while entertaining, is a long stretch from this totally historically accurate, Diary of Judas, which … Read More
Upwardly Mobile Dog Seeks Less Homeless Owner
Rusty, a local homeless dog, has recently indicated his desire to split from his homeless owner. “I used to be a guide dog,” Rusty explained, “but that ended when my last owner grew new eyes.” Rusty’s current owner, Albert Wurster, … Read More
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
Attn: Harry Berman, Dean
Arthur Horn, Department Chair
Re: Professor Indiana Jones
Dear Sirs,
As much as it pains me to speak ill of a fellow professor, I simply cannot remain silent any longer about Professor Jones’ abhorrent behavior and … Read More
Top Ten Diseases You Wish You Had
- Peter Parkinson’s and Spider-Maningitis
- Genital Mono
- Whatever you get from sleeping with Jessica Alba
- Alzheimer’s if you recently watched your family be mauled by tigers
- That type of cancer that makes you crap Beanie Babies
- Tickle-Cell Anemia
- HIV Negative
- The
Top Five Reasons to Furiously Beat Off
- Laser Penis
- Want to time it so you cum right when Emeril says Bam!
- TrimSpa commercial only 30 seconds long
- You’re fourteen years old and x, where x is anything
- Because you sure as hell don’t want to eat that
