- A drag queen hits her penis with a hammer
- George bush wonders what the Dukes of Hazard are doing
- A gay teenager asks if it’s time to hit the showers
- The wish of a white middle class child comes true
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Signs the Anal Sex isn’t Going Well
- Low scores from celebrity judges
- It’s going good – you just have poor grammar
- Your wife is starting to suspect you didn’t go up there to fish
- It’s been half an hour, and you still have to say over a
Top Ten Reasons to Stop Going to That Jewish Strip Club
- Holocausts you a fortune
- Strippers are Jewish women
- You didn’t go for a couple of weeks and now every time you go back they ask how come you never visit
- Stripper’s name is Crystal Nacht
- You’re OPEC and you don’t
Top Five Signs You Shouldn’t Have Raised Your Teenager as a Female Chipmunk
- She keeps asking if she can burrow money
- In spring, as soon as the first grass peeks through the snow, she
- She got a C in English because all she can say is
- She covers her bedroom floor with CosmoGirl!
What If…Everything in Life Was Like Your First Time Having Sex?
Watching a TV Show
You: [Sits down.]
TV: [Plays theme song.]
[Beat.]
TV: [Credits roll.]
Going to the Movies
You: How did you like the movie?
Girl: [Bursts into tears.]
Studying
[… Read More
<i>Other</i> New Baby Einstein Videos
Baby Einstein videos are supposed to make your infant son or daughter smarter just by watching them. This from the same company that brought you Learn Korean While You Sleep, Study for the LSATS While You Watch Rocky II, and … Read More
Handling the Homeless
Berkeley attracts homeless people like sluts attract Chlamydia, only sluts can treat Chlamydia, while we are left to deal with the itchy discharge that is the homeless. Every homeless man, woman or dog uses some weep-story tragedy to try to … Read More
President Cries in a Corner
President Bush’s feelings were seriously injured this week when his NSA Domestic Surveillance Program intercepted hundreds of libelous emails defaming the president’s character. The majority of the offending letters were found to be circulating through West Wing offices.
“These are … Read More
Nickelodeon Solutions to Everyday Problems
PROBLEM: Your rent is due tomorrow and you don’t get paid until next week.
LIKELY RESULT: Another long night in the apartment manager’s office. At least you remember to bring your kneepads this time. Listerine may wash away the night’s … Read More
MONEY: Argentina Discontinues Use of Kitten Currency
In a 26-14 decision Thursday, Parliament voted to discontinue the use of kittens as currency in the financially-ravaged South American nation of Argentina.
Said spokesman Nicholas Garcia-Sege, “They don’t fit into a standard wallet. Vendors have begun to sell wallets … Read More
