At 7:24 PM and 28 seconds past the minute, Counter-Terrorist Agent Jack Bauer interrupted his pursuit of international terrorists because he had to poop. Bauer, a five time recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom and wanted in 18 countries … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Man Gains Superpowers in Lab Accident
Alan Andrews, a UC Berkeley graduate student, developed strange, amazing powers last week when a surge of radiation altered his physical make up during a research study. On the morning of January 8th, Andrews life was changed forever when the … Read More
Divorce Guide
In the United States divorce has become an epidemic. Look to your left, now look to your right – both of those people are divorced. If you don’t see anyone near you, it’s because you’re divorced. Divorce is a complicated … Read More
Harley-Davidson Obtains New Image
Harley-Davidson, which has been synonymous with overpriced leather jackets, drunken bar fights, and STD filled orgies for over 100 years, is being forced to widen their target audience with a new line of mini-vans in response to numerous complaints by … Read More
Urban Myths
Myth: A penny placed on the tracks will derail a train.
Status: False. Trains can only be derailed when an interracial child is born. It’s God’s way of saying no.
Myth: On average, a person eats eight spiders a year.… Read More
Top Ten Christian Breakfast Cereals
- Cinnamon Toast Christ
- Let He Who is Without Sin Cast the First Fruity Pebble
- Life … begins at conception
- Safeway Generic Brand Moses Bits
- Corn Popes
- Smart Start is Bible School
- Count Chocula Does Not Exist
- Total Exorcism
- Honey Bunches
Discount Wisdom
Remember when P. Diddy ran all of those “Vote or Die” commercials on MTV during the 2004 election? I think he meant that campaign to be aimed at senior citizens. That’s all they seem to do.
I don’t believe in … Read More
Top Ten Signs It’s Time to Switch to Plan B
- Identical twin failed to shave goatee
- Turns out bank has no wheelchair ramp
- Hot air balloon escape not as practical as you thought for nail gun factory heist
- Flying a plane is actually really hard
- Pirates are late. AGAIN
- Your
What if Karl Marx Lived in a Co-Op?
Marx participates in the system of collectivist production!
Co-opper: Hey Marx, dinnertime!
Marx: Finally! What are we having?
Co-opper: Tofu and eggplant casserole, fruit we got from Dumpster diving, and some dirt we found in the yard.
Marx: That’s repulsive. … Read More
Words From the Top
The Greatest Inventor
Get your cocks out now boys, because otherwise you’re going to need to change your underwear upon hearing my amazing, mindblowingly incredible idea.
Alright, you ready? Sex…with the mouth!
Okay, okay, everybody settle down. I mean it, shut up. Take … Read More
