- Playing music for money on your ipod
- Masturbating in private
- Spending a day’s worth of change on a six-pack of O’Douls
- Eating faithful canine companion
- Dying during winter
- Touching appropriately
- Hopping on a moving freight plane
- Using the needle first
Author Archives: The Squelch
New Math Department Courses Teach Culture
The UC Berkeley Department of Mathematics today announced its Fall 2006 Schedule of Classes, containing in it some surprising new course offerings. Alongside such bread-and-butter staples as Math 16B: “This Course is Integral to your Future” and Math 113: “I … Read More
Top Five Signs Your STD is Stronger than You
- <u>It</u> has herpes, and <u>it</u> doesn’t whine about it
- Its favorite movie is Fight Club, yours is Mulan
- You die of it
- Smokes Cigarettes, unfiltered
- Frequents the 24 Hr. Fitness located somewhere near your butt-hole
Divorce Guide
In the United States divorce has become an epidemic. Look to your left, now look to your right – both of those people are divorced. If you don’t see anyone near you, it’s because you’re divorced. Divorce is a complicated … Read More
My Girlfriend
When you’re as picky as I am, it’s hard to find a girl that shares your interests. Girls that I dated in the past just weren’t into sitting in one position for up to twelve hours, being stared at by … Read More
God Blamed For Global Disasters
In a press conference held at the White House on Wednesday, a spokesman representing FEMA and the Department of Homeland Security stated that from now on, all misdeeds, misdemeanors, natural disasters, hunting accidents, and war crimes would be recognized as … Read More
What if Karl Marx Lived in a Co-Op?
Marx participates in the system of collectivist production!
Co-opper: Hey Marx, dinnertime!
Marx: Finally! What are we having?
Co-opper: Tofu and eggplant casserole, fruit we got from Dumpster diving, and some dirt we found in the yard.
Marx: That’s repulsive. … Read More
Urban Myths
Myth: A penny placed on the tracks will derail a train.
Status: False. Trains can only be derailed when an interracial child is born. It’s God’s way of saying no.
Myth: On average, a person eats eight spiders a year.… Read More
Top Ten Signs It’s Time to Switch to Plan B
- Identical twin failed to shave goatee
- Turns out bank has no wheelchair ramp
- Hot air balloon escape not as practical as you thought for nail gun factory heist
- Flying a plane is actually really hard
- Pirates are late. AGAIN
- Your
Man Gains Superpowers in Lab Accident
Alan Andrews, a UC Berkeley graduate student, developed strange, amazing powers last week when a surge of radiation altered his physical make up during a research study. On the morning of January 8th, Andrews life was changed forever when the … Read More
