My life is pretty much da bomb. I’m not only wealthy, but I have plenty of money and am not poor. Yes, you could say I have absolutely everything a human being could ever possibly need for a lifetime of … Read More
Tag Archives: Unfunny Asshole 2
Words From the Top
Berkeley Speaks Out
“There is a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can’t take part; you can’t even passively take part, and you’ve got to put your bodies upon the gears … Read More
Interview of the Week
Today we’re blessed to be interviewing two very gifted sports writers here about the Cal football team’s recent struggles.
First we have local CBS 5 Sports Director and host of The Last Honest Sports Show Dennis O’Donnell. Also present is … Read More
Viewership Soars as Baseball Reveals Bold Plan
Reeling from record-low World Series ratings, baseball commissioner Bud Selig yesterday unveiled a new marketing strategy to revitalize interest in the sport. Baseball will be disbanded.
Speaking at a news conference, Selig explained, “In lieu of playing a full season, … Read More
Pre-Jection
In this fast-paced internet-based fiber-optic African-swallow age of ours where time is money and money some sort of meta-time, we’re just too busy for standard courtship whether in romance, finance, or metallurgy. We need answers and we need them before … Read More
Sherlock Holmes Meets CSI!
Crime Scene #1:
Double Homicide, Kitchen
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, hmmm, yes.
[Holmes paces up and down the dingy room excitedly, pausing briefly every few minutes to examine a loose screw or the victims’ shoes.]
Detective Brass: His wife … Read More
Words From The Top
Advice for Freshmen
1. Go to your professors’ office hours, no matter how early they are. The interaction between student and old horny intellectual is a tradition dating back to Plato and Socrates. You won’t learn a damn thing, but smart people need … Read More
If Relationships Ended Like 8-Bit Videogames
You: Honey, I’m home–what are you doing with that letter?
Her: [reading from letter] THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
You: What the fuck? I put all this time into it and all I get is a lousy note?
Her: PRODUCER – … Read More
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit Christmas
Detectives Stabler and Benson walked
into the cold morgue, glad they were
still wearing their trench coats from the
morning’s crime scene. The Medical Examiner pulled back the sheet covering
the victim’s body. The little boy’s cheerful red santa hat … Read More
What If George Lucas Wrote Shakespeare
Romeo and Juliet
Act II, Scene 2
Romeo: But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is one of the suns of Tattoine’s binary star
system. And therefore I love her.
Hamlet
Act 3, … Read More
