At a recent family reunion, B-movie superstar Eric Roberts really got the business. The commotion allegedly began after the roll basket was passed around. Eric eagerly yet thoughtlessly grabbed a roll after being offered one by an unidentified relative. As … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Student Inadventently Sculpts, Eats 8 Inch Penis
Soft serve afficionado and casual homophobe Dave Fulsom proved quite the fool last Wednesday at the Unit 2 DC, where the freshman took advantage of the soft serve machine to unintentionally fashion himself what by all reports appeared to be … Read More
Streetspace Kiosks Usher In Future
As the rest of the country lags behind with such antiquated forms of communications technology as semaphore and non-digital cellular phones, the city of Berkeley is now officially in the Future. This exciting leap forward comes thanks to the high-tech … Read More
Voters Turn Out in Support of Candy, Breasts
With this year’s ASUC elections showing another successful campaign for the Student Action Party, it’s clear that Berkeley voters are still showing strong support for free candy and attractive breasts. Said one Student Action supporter, “Dude, these guys have little … Read More
Local Idiots Stumble Upon Printing Press
Student tittered briefly last week as _ The California Patriot _, making its official publishing debut, delivered a walloping dose of healthy conservative thought to the UC Campus. Featuring several correctly spelled words and displaying a keen sense of how … Read More
Man Not Comforted by Assurance That “There are Always Other Ayatollahs”
Life isn’t as it used to be for 28-year old Adam Scroggy, who used to get his kicks conference calling two numbers and then staying quiet. Here is a transcript from his glory-days, ten years ago:
Ring, ring [phone rings]… Read More
Chinese Publishing Firm Releases The Tao of Tao
“It’s a fuckin’ religion, people. Remember?”
In the wake of the success in the West of several popular-culture books based on the ancient Chinese religion called “Taoism,” such as The Tao of Physics, The Tao of Symbols, and The Tao of Peace, and such light-hearted musings … Read More
Southside Resident “Probably” Assaulted
A UC Berkeley student was “probably assaulted” last week while walking home to his or her Southside residence, Berkeley police told reporters today. Officers said the victim most likely described the suspect in a vague and unhelpful way, and stated … Read More
Mad Scientist Emerges from Laboratory with New Wheel Design
Doctor Klaus “White Knuckles” Dusseldorf shocked the world Monday when he emerged from his lab deep in the Swiss Alps with a potentially groundbreaking discovery: he claims to have re-invented the wheel. Looking haggard but confident outside of his laboratory, … Read More
Northern Barbarians Invade Mandarin House
In a move that threatens the already volatile political climate in the Durant Food Court, northern barbarians have taken control of the Mandarin House and established a provincial government. The popular Chinese restaurant was seen as ripe for potential takeover … Read More
